Quotes from Stargate SG-1
Daniel: She's Hathor, the goddess of fertility, inebriety, and music.
Jack: Sex, drugs, and rock & roll?
Daniel: This tastes like chicken.
Samantha: So what's wrong with it?
Daniel: It's macaroni and cheese.
Daniel: So we'd be looking for a needle in a haystack.
Thor: A haystack of infinite size.
Daniel: That's big.
Samantha: Daniel, show me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.
Samantha: Sir, if you don't mind, your wound is bleeding all over my lab.
Jack: I hope you diplomatically told him where to shove it.
Jack: It's time for Plan B.
Samantha: We have a Plan B?
Jack: No, but it's time for one.
Ba'al: You dare mock me?
Jack: Come on Ba'al, you should know. Of course I dare mock you.
Samantha: Maybourne, you are an idiot everyday of the week. Why couldn't you have taken just this one day off?
Samantha: When you told Colonel O'Neill to wait 5 minutes, you were really telling him 6 hours, maybe more!
General Hammond: Captain, relativity gives me a headache!
Teal'c: What is an Oprah?
Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.
Samantha: What are you talking about?
Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders INCLUDING my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.
Teal'c: Things will not calm down, Daniel Jackson. They will in fact calm up.
General Hammond: It costs nearly a billion dollars just to turn the lights on around here.
Jack: How about a bake sale? Yard sale? Garage...
General Hammond: This is what I look like when I'm not laughing, Colonel.
Jack: Car wash?
Daniel: Can you do me a favor? Could you keep an eye on this plant thing for me?
Teal'c: I will keep both of my eyes on it, Daniel Jackson.
Samantha: Sir, he's not Goa'uld.
Jack: And? But? So? Therefore?
Aris Boch: Dr. Jackson, if you don't mind treating my wound.
Daniel: I'm an archaeologist.
Aris Boch: I know, but you're also a doctor.
Daniel: Of archaeology.
Samantha: How do you keep from getting killed?
Aris Boch: It takes talents.
Jack: So, how do you keep from getting killed?
Jack: How's a needle in my butt going to get water out of my ears?
Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?
Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack: Never run with... scissors?
Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack: Would that be daylight savings or standard?
Jack: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Jack: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it.
Jack: Listen. Um, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me.
Major Kawalsky: We're friends.
Jack: If you don't make it... can I have your stereo?
Daniel: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.
Jack: It's true, Michael. We came to Earth to hide among your people a long, long time ago.
Daniel: From a galaxy far, far away.
Jack: I'd like to apologize in advance for anything that I may say or do that could be construed as offensive as I slowly go NUTS.
Jack: This is the infamous tuna torture.
Colonel Maybourne: If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed, Colonel.
Jack: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.
Jack: I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.
Daniel: Why are you so quick to jump to the conclusion that I'm crazy? That I'm dangerous and out of control? It's because I'm kinda acting that way, aren't I?
Commander Rigar: Let us talk about your friend in the woods.
Jack: I have no friends... in the woods or otherwise.
Jack: Hey, Rigar. You know that "we come in peace" business? Bite me.
Teal'c: Do not test my temper, woman.
Daniel: Woman? Did he just call me a woman?
Jack: Yes, I believe he did.
Jack: I remembered something. There's a man. He is bald and wears a short sleeve shirt. And somehow, he is important to me. I think his name is... Homer.
Colonel Maybourne: Teal'c, it's good to see you well.
Teal'c: In my culture, I would be well within my rights to dismember you.
Daniel: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Jack: I don't think we will, the first one being a black hole and all. They get progressively darker after that.
Colonel Maybourne: Gonna turn me in?
Jack: Actually, that overwhelming desire to shoot you has come back.
Samantha: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.
Teal'c: The Goa'uld visit here regularly. It is one of their favorite places to harvest hosts for Goa'uld absorption.
Daniel: You know, I wish you wouldn't say "harvest." We're talking about human beings, not... Brussels sprouts.
Jack: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack: I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You ARE your god. That's a problem.
Kyle Rogers: My lord?
Jack: Actually, we just call him General Hammond.
General Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.
Jack: Yes, my lord.
Jack: What now?
Teal'c: I have read of a place where humans do battle in a ring of Jell-O.
Jack: Call Daniel.
General Hammond: Can these devices be removed?
Dr. Fraiser: Not without causing irreparable brain damage, sir.
Jack: What's the down side?
Daniel: Actually, General, the Tollan refused to give us any technology.
Jack: Offered us a nice fruit basket, though.
Jack: Come to retrieve your vastly superior stuff? You know it'd be a lot more superior if it wasn't so easy to steal.
Samantha: Question is, will they listen?
Jack: Well, the real question is, will they have ears?
Colonel Maybourne: Hi, Jack.
Jack: You rat bastard.
Colonel Maybourne: Hey, hey, hey... take it easy.
Jack: I am SO gonna kick your ***.
Rodney McKay: I wish I didn't find you so attractive. I've always had a real weakness for dumb blondes.
Samantha: Go suck a lemon.
Rodney McKay: Very sexy. Very, very sexy.
Samantha: We kicked their asses, sir.
Jack: They had asses?
Jonas: I'm really starting to enjoy this "traditional American food."
Samantha: We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries."
Teal'c: A Serpent guard, a Horus guard and a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet. It is a tense moment. The Serpent guard's eyes glow. The Horus guard's beak glistens. The Setesh guard's nose drips.
Jack: Dare I ask about the men inside the compound?
Daniel: Well, they were turned into eunuchs.
Jack: Eunuchs? As in snippity-do-dah?
Urgo: You are so smart, Samantha. I love that about you.
Jack: Carter?
Samantha: The technology implanted in our brains, sir. We're looking at some kind of visual communication interface controlled hallucination.
Jack: So... I... what?
Urgo: He gets confused. By the way, who is Mary Steenburgen?
Jack: I think you've suffered enough. Hell, I even got to shoot you.
Colonel Maybourne: Twice.
Jack: It's always suicide-mission this, save-the-planet that. No one ever stops by just to say hi anymore.
Jack: You know, we really should come up with a new strategy. One that does not include us dying.
Daniel: So, how are you gonna get me in?
Jacob Carter/Selmak: Yu will be among the System Lords attending the meeting.
Samantha: I thought you said he was going in as a slave.
Jacob Carter/Selmak: The System Lord, Yu.
Samantha: Little joke there.
Jack: Funny.
Teal'c: Are you able to translate any of this, Jonas Quinn?
Jonas: It's not Ancient, but it's definitely a language belonging to one of the races of the ancient alliance.
Jack: Nox? Asgard?
Jonas: Furlings.
Jack: Oh, no. Not those guys.
Jonas: What?
Jack: Oh, I don't know. I just can't imagine cute little furry things making big powerful weapons, that's all.
Jonas: I don't even know what they look like.
Jack: Furling. Sounds cute and fuzzy to me.
Colonel Maybourne: You wanted to kill me from the start.
Jack: Ah, screw you, Maybourne. I was joking. Look what you did to my leg.
Colonel Maybourne: I set the trap for the pig.
Jack: With a grenade?
Jack: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.
Daniel: I can't...
Jack: Why not?
Daniel: I'm not allowed to interfere.
Jack: You're interfering right now.
Daniel: No, I'm not.
Jack: Yes, you are.
Daniel: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.
Kyle Rogers: We extracted high-level information from the prisoners. Corn and cotton are indigenous to North America.
Jack: And that information could save your life one day.
Teal'c: I believe the Canucks of Vancouver are superior warriors.
Jack: My name's Jack. It means... what's in the box.
Jack: Lucy, I'm home!
Teal'c: I am NOT Lucy!
Jack: Just when you think you're not in Kansas anymore, it turns out you are.
Samantha: Teal'c, how do Jaffa couples handle their problems?
Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.
Daniel: And if that doesn't work?
Teal'c: A weapon is required.
Jonas: We're peaceful explorers, okay? We didn't come here to harm anybody.
Jack: Unless otherwise provoked.
Dr. Fraiser: There is a tiny abnormality, but for all intents and purposes, it's him.
Daniel: Tiny abnormality, like the fact he's suddenly quite a few years younger than he's supposed to be?
Daniel: Their whole world is in flames, and we're offering them gasoline. How does that help?
Teal'c: We are in fact offering water.
Jack: Thank you.
Daniel: I was speaking metaphorically.
Jack: Well, stop it. It's not fair to Teal'c.
Jack: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack: Wild horses, Teal'c.
Samantha: It took us fifteen years and three supercomputers to MacGyver a way to power the gate.
Colonel Grieves: I'll say it again, I don't like the idea of going into this unarmed.
Jack: And I don't care.
Lieutenant Kershaw: I feel a lot better knowing there's an archaeologist watching our backs.
Daniel: *holds up a knife* Yeah, which end do the bullets go in again?
Colonel Grieves: I'd be happy to show you.