The Joke Thread

Started by machinegun777 October 2nd, 2005 11:03 AM
  • 730 views
  • 24 replies

machinegun777

Age 29
Male
Ohio
Seen June 1st, 2012
Posted June 6th, 2010
359 posts
17.7 Years
Okay, post here you favorite joke.

I'll post mine(this was made by somebody in my health class):

_________________________________________________

Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's one pirate ship ahead!
Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.

Later on:

Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's two pirate ships ahead!
Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.

Later on:

Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's three pirate ships ahead!
Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.
Lookout: Captin, why do you ask always for your red shirt?
Captin: So if I die you guys won't know if I'm dead and will not worry.

Later on:

Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's twenty pirate ships ahead!
Captin: Okay, give me my brown pants.
Age 36
Floriduh
Seen May 6th, 2008
Posted October 24th, 2006
22 posts
17.6 Years
Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"

***Adult jokes kinda sorta***
A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears. The Italian says, "Boy, I could eat her!..." The Polish guy shot her.

Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
***End adult jokes***

SalemAngel (dot) gpknow (dot) com

Eliana

The |R a m p a g e|

Age 32
www.thepeopleunited.net
Seen February 18th, 2010
Posted April 25th, 2006
17,195 posts
19.5 Years
o_o; Just remember people, keep the jokes rated at the most PG...We don't want anything with vulgar context...
[A N T I -F L A G]
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Crystal Clair

Shinji lover

Age 33
In the Forest of Hesitation with Shinji
Seen March 24th, 2013
Posted March 8th, 2012
3,464 posts
18.2 Years
I'm practically a walking joke book IRL
What's a blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
Would you like fries with that?

You're so poor, when I walked through your front door, I was already in your backyard.

Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application.

Your head has so much dandruff that it snows in July.
Age 36
Floriduh
Seen May 6th, 2008
Posted October 24th, 2006
22 posts
17.6 Years
o_o; Just remember people, keep the jokes rated at the most PG...We don't want anything with vulgar context...

My jokes weren't even that adult-ish. Besides, I gave a friggen warning in case some big baby didn't want to read them.

SalemAngel (dot) gpknow (dot) com

Kylie-chan

[span="background:#000; padding: 2px 10px;"][color=#C47399]NERF [b][i][color=#789DED]THIS[/color][/i]![/b] [color=#F7E1EE]♥[/color][/color][/span]

Age 29
Non-binary
New South Wales, Australia
Seen December 3rd, 2022
Posted October 5th, 2016
14,976 posts
18.7 Years
Be that as it may, you still have to keep it clean. >_> That's in the rules, y'know. They apply to you, too.
PON PON WAY WAY WAY

あの交差点で皆がもしスキップをして もしあの町の真中でてを繋いで空を見上げたら
Age 30
In a crummy world full of plot holes and spelling errors.
Seen March 20th, 2006
Posted March 20th, 2006
607 posts
18.9 Years
There was this atheist walking through the forest. Eventually, he was running for his life because a bear was after him. He stopped and the bear was about to do his blow and the atheist was like "God, help me!" and then God froze time and said: "You have been an atheist all of your life, why are you asking me now? I will help you if you believe in me!"
The atheist pondered this and went: "That'd be a bit hypocritical of me so could you just make the bear a Christian instead?"
So time began again and just as the bear was about to take a crack at him he stopped, bowed, closed his eyes and said "Lord for what I am about to receive please make me humble."

Alot of these are funny Microsoft story-jokes:
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/BillGates.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke1.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke2.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke3.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/win_is_virus.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/JesusVsWin95.html
http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/Win95Name.html

Yeah. I didn't make any, unforunately.

Or if you count: 'The word "Microsoft" with "Is Good" followed straight after doesn't work unless it ends with "For Nothing" or a negative.' as a joke because I wrote that. :p

Thanks for the banner Karli

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Chorus of Undertermined Time:
Great South Land - Hillsong

This is the great southland of the Holy Spirit,
A land of red dust plains, and summer rains.
And to this sunburnt land
We will see a flood,
And to this great southland
His Spirit Comes!"

♥Whitney♥

♥Goldenrod Gym ******♥

Age 34
♥Goldenrod City,Johto♥
Seen December 28th, 2005
Posted November 20th, 2005
522 posts
17.7 Years
Can we talk about the jokes here?Or can we only post them?
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Age 36
Sitting upon the hills waiting for the one...
Seen June 14th, 2006
Posted June 14th, 2006
5,154 posts
18 Years
I have to clean some jokes up for them to be posted........well, here's one.

If 2 is a couple and 3 is a crowd then whats 4 and 5?


9

XD


Pair: blue eyes white dragon / Rival: punkhobbitqueen / Sisters: Suki - blue flygon / Son: Ultimate Latios / Godchild: Mitzykitty / Evil twin: Yami's Girl / Twin: Abskull (and Miss May) / Triplets: Dark Magician ruler and 00Zero / Hero to: Blue Eyes White Dragon, Agent9 and Chibi-chan / Brother: !~Dark Forte.EXE~! / Daughter: tohru-honda / Pet Wolf: Wolf Godess / Aunt: angel
Age 30
Stealin' your clothes and identity
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted November 21st, 2005
773 posts
18.3 Years
Two dumb hunters are out in the woods when one of them starts grabbing his chest. The other one quickly takes out his cell phone and dials 911. The operator says "Sir, does he look dead to you?" There was a pause on the hunter's line, and then a gun shot. Then the hunter says "Okay, now what?"

That's a classic...XD


Paired with Tiger-Chan, and it's not gonna change any time soon! :P
Deceived by my eyes and all I was told I should see
Opinions not mine, the person they taught me to be
One night in the dark, a vision of someone I knew
And in the darkness I saw, a voice say, I'm you.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive

(v chorus v)
If you close your eyes your life, an empty truth revealed
Dreams you never lived, and scars never healed
In the darkness, light will take you to the other side
and find me waiting there you'll see, if you just close your eyes

Hearts uninspired, trapped inside somebody's dream
Too close to the fire, yet cold and numb with the pain
But the fever has broken, and the river has run to the sea
Washed to the ocean, and saved by a voice inside me.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive
(chorus)
Never thought I would be here, so high in the air
This was my unanswered prayer
Defined by another, so much wasted time
Out of the darkness, each breath that I take will be mine
(chorus)
If you just close your eyes...
Age 36
Sitting upon the hills waiting for the one...
Seen June 14th, 2006
Posted June 14th, 2006
5,154 posts
18 Years
Here's another one.

Why did the fly fly?

Cause the Spider Spied her.

BARREL O' LAUGHS!!!! XD


Pair: blue eyes white dragon / Rival: punkhobbitqueen / Sisters: Suki - blue flygon / Son: Ultimate Latios / Godchild: Mitzykitty / Evil twin: Yami's Girl / Twin: Abskull (and Miss May) / Triplets: Dark Magician ruler and 00Zero / Hero to: Blue Eyes White Dragon, Agent9 and Chibi-chan / Brother: !~Dark Forte.EXE~! / Daughter: tohru-honda / Pet Wolf: Wolf Godess / Aunt: angel
Age 30
Stealin' your clothes and identity
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted November 21st, 2005
773 posts
18.3 Years
Knock knock
Who's there?
Me
Me who?
YOUR BEST FRIEND! NOW OPEN THE DOOR, IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE!


Paired with Tiger-Chan, and it's not gonna change any time soon! :P
Deceived by my eyes and all I was told I should see
Opinions not mine, the person they taught me to be
One night in the dark, a vision of someone I knew
And in the darkness I saw, a voice say, I'm you.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive

(v chorus v)
If you close your eyes your life, an empty truth revealed
Dreams you never lived, and scars never healed
In the darkness, light will take you to the other side
and find me waiting there you'll see, if you just close your eyes

Hearts uninspired, trapped inside somebody's dream
Too close to the fire, yet cold and numb with the pain
But the fever has broken, and the river has run to the sea
Washed to the ocean, and saved by a voice inside me.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive
(chorus)
Never thought I would be here, so high in the air
This was my unanswered prayer
Defined by another, so much wasted time
Out of the darkness, each breath that I take will be mine
(chorus)
If you just close your eyes...
Age 36
Sitting upon the hills waiting for the one...
Seen June 14th, 2006
Posted June 14th, 2006
5,154 posts
18 Years
Here's a funny saying I read from a joke book.

"War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left."


Pair: blue eyes white dragon / Rival: punkhobbitqueen / Sisters: Suki - blue flygon / Son: Ultimate Latios / Godchild: Mitzykitty / Evil twin: Yami's Girl / Twin: Abskull (and Miss May) / Triplets: Dark Magician ruler and 00Zero / Hero to: Blue Eyes White Dragon, Agent9 and Chibi-chan / Brother: !~Dark Forte.EXE~! / Daughter: tohru-honda / Pet Wolf: Wolf Godess / Aunt: angel
Age 30
Stealin' your clothes and identity
Seen January 12th, 2006
Posted November 21st, 2005
773 posts
18.3 Years
Person 1: Do you know what beer stands for?
Person 2: I don't know, what?
Person 1: How would I know? I was just curious.


Paired with Tiger-Chan, and it's not gonna change any time soon! :P
Deceived by my eyes and all I was told I should see
Opinions not mine, the person they taught me to be
One night in the dark, a vision of someone I knew
And in the darkness I saw, a voice say, I'm you.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive

(v chorus v)
If you close your eyes your life, an empty truth revealed
Dreams you never lived, and scars never healed
In the darkness, light will take you to the other side
and find me waiting there you'll see, if you just close your eyes

Hearts uninspired, trapped inside somebody's dream
Too close to the fire, yet cold and numb with the pain
But the fever has broken, and the river has run to the sea
Washed to the ocean, and saved by a voice inside me.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive
(chorus)
Never thought I would be here, so high in the air
This was my unanswered prayer
Defined by another, so much wasted time
Out of the darkness, each breath that I take will be mine
(chorus)
If you just close your eyes...

Eon-Rider

An &quot;Original&quot; PC Supporter

Age 29
Male
Sydney
Seen July 5th, 2011
Posted March 31st, 2011
7,498 posts
18.5 Years
I HAVE kept it clean. Jesus, I COULD have put far worse jokes, dude. Chill out.
She isn't a dude... XD

Anyway, here is a lame joke that my friend told me that I find funny.

Why did the man climb to roof?
To get the sausage.

XD

Lame but funny.

The humour comes from the stupidness of the joke.
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If you think my posts are rude then you can't handle the truth.
Age 30
In a crummy world full of plot holes and spelling errors.
Seen March 20th, 2006
Posted March 20th, 2006
607 posts
18.9 Years
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Knock knock!
Get off my property!

He, he, he. I made that one. My friend kept saying knock knock so after about five times I got annoyed and went "Get off my property!" XD

I knew this good one of screwing in a lightbulbs and flies but it wouldn't be G material.

Another:
There were these two nuns driving down Pensylvainia and then a vampire jumps in front of their car. So the one that was driving told the nun sitting next to her "Show him your cross" so the second nun rolled down the window and shouted "GET OFF THE ROAD!!!"

Thanks for the banner Karli

Visit Batesy's Pokemon Site today!

Visit One Way Jesus today!

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Chorus of Undertermined Time:
Great South Land - Hillsong

This is the great southland of the Holy Spirit,
A land of red dust plains, and summer rains.
And to this sunburnt land
We will see a flood,
And to this great southland
His Spirit Comes!"

viridian doubletongue

the world's greatest thief

Age 31
Female
eastbourne/bristol
Seen October 13th, 2013
Posted March 5th, 2013
3,221 posts
17.8 Years
I got one.

A duck walks into a bar & says "Got any bread."
The barman says no.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar & says "Got any bread."
The barman says NO.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar & says "Got any bread."
The barman says "If you ask one more time I will hammer your beak to the bar & shoot you.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar & says "Got nails & a shotgun."
The barman says no.
So the duck says "Well then have you got any bread."

Got another one that me & my friends made up.

Imagine a TV newsreader saying...
"Cracking news, bird lays egg in midflight."
my signature has gone fishing

forget consequence

Joey the Cockroach

Dino Crisis will never die!!!!

Not here. >:
Seen November 4th, 2009
Posted January 31st, 2009
1,839 posts
18.2 Years
here are a good few jokes:
1. how do you get two whales in a car?
drive down south then turn right!
2. what goes snap, crackle and pop?
a firefly with a short circuit!
3.what do Sunderland fans do after they have won the premier league?
turn off the PS2 and go to bed!
Seen September 28th, 2009
Posted September 28th, 2009
2,830 posts
18.4 Years
XD Some of those are really funny, some of those are really insane. Anyhow, I have a few jokes for you

-sigh- Here's a "yo momma" joke.

Yo mama is so bald, you could see what she's thinking. XDDD;

Why were the people at the orange juice factory fired?
Because they couldn't concentrate!
XD; That's all I have for now~ X3
i love you. </3