Myself

Started by phantom_zangetsu March 23rd, 2006 9:15 PM
  • 512 views
  • 5 replies
Age 31
together with fallen,ontop of shukaku's head
Seen December 9th, 2008
Posted April 28th, 2007
517 posts
17.8 Years
so here...again...another one of my work...

Myself

i find myself one day
trying to find who i am
i can see my shadow
disappear behind the mists

i feel like ive reached the end
i feel that my love has been used up
by all the people i cared
and stabbed me on the back

they took my care for granted
and never gave me respect nor freedom
they continue to consume me
untill im almost gone

untill that day came
when you saw me fading away
you looked down and smiled at me
so i stood and smiled too...

it was a funny feeling i had
trying to know you well
was something
i never experienced before

my world began to spin again
and everything was feeling fine
but when something goes wrong
i just pretend that the past isnt real


lovingly and forever paired with the one and only, fallen_angel


~pHaNt0m~
Age 30
Female
With phantom_zangetsu ^.~
Seen March 7th, 2014
Posted July 24th, 2011
238 posts
18.2 Years
Wow that's so sad to me. I could see some small errors but not very noticeable. Good Job again. ^_^

Spoiler:
~*~My PC Family~*~
~My pair: phantom_zangetsu , My Big Sisters .: Dreamer :., Midori Chi, My father Cybex Mewtwo, my brother karasuma My brother-in-law code zero the deluge~


Age 34
Female
Fargo, ND
Seen October 18th, 2013
Posted March 9th, 2010
893 posts
17.8 Years
It was a decent poem. I'll tell you now that I've seen worse. But there are a few errors that I think could be worked out.

Your poem doesn't flow very well. There really is no rhythem. It changes from stanza to stanza. Yes, I know this is classified as "free verse", but even a good free verse poem has a little flow and rhythm.

It does however contain powerful emotion, which makes it good in that respect. You're on your way!

Oh, and unless you're e.e. cummings, try to use regular punctuation and capitalization. XP

Who's that returning from the depths of forum ghosts past? Oh! It's me!
Age 34
Female
Fargo, ND
Seen October 18th, 2013
Posted March 9th, 2010
893 posts
17.8 Years
It was a decent poem. I'll tell you now that I've seen worse. But there are a few errors that I think could be worked out.

Your poem doesn't flow very well. There really is no rhythem. It changes from stanza to stanza. Yes, I know this is classified as "free verse", but even a good free verse poem has a little flow and rhythm.

It does however contain powerful emotion, which makes it good in that respect. You're on your way!

Oh, and unless you're e.e. cummings, try to use regular punctuation and capitalization. XP

Who's that returning from the depths of forum ghosts past? Oh! It's me!