Forbidden Sacrafice

Started by Persona May 8th, 2006 5:39 PM
  • 795 views
  • 10 replies
Age 30
Ontario, Canada
Seen November 19th, 2012
Posted November 30th, 2011
4,612 posts
17.4 Years
I spelled Sacrifice wrong on the thread title xD

It's been a while since i've posted a poem here, but i got a new one ^^

Please give comments.


I hear thoughts flicker,
Like the swaying lamp,
In the apartment of the head,
With drapes long and damp,

I feel the embrace of motion,
Like the distortion of life and death,
Heavy, putrid, unforgiving,
Like a baby's first and last breath,

I see destructive hatred,
Like glass, eyes shine through dark,
Dimmed by the drape,
And an echoed bark,

I taste bitter deceit,
Like two figures laid,
Across a forbidden frame,
Unconscious of what's to be paid,

I smell the bloodshed sacrifice,
With his thought unseen,
His deceit unconfirmed,
An embrace forgotten and obscene,

He feels of no emotion,
His outside world torn down,
Hatred of another,
The sacrifice left to drown,

His grip across the hooks,
Levitating him from the floor,
Blood seeping from the rust,
His soul left to soar.

MegaFuz

Über Title

Bubbletown
Seen February 11th, 2011
Posted December 11th, 2009
4,565 posts
17.9 Years
Nice work. That poem is seriously killer. o.O Sets a very dark tone right from the beginning and carries it out well through the entire piece. Pretty good rhythm as well. Wicked good stuff man. Keep it up. XD
MegaDex: Returning soon?

This is where I'd post my PC family if any of them were still here. D:
Age 30
Ontario, Canada
Seen November 19th, 2012
Posted November 30th, 2011
4,612 posts
17.4 Years
Nice work. That poem is seriously killer. o.O Sets a very dark tone right from the beginning and carries it out well through the entire piece. Pretty good rhythm as well. Wicked good stuff man. Keep it up. XD
Thank you Megafuz. For some reason, i put a little more thought when i make darker poems.
Age 30
Ontario, Canada
Seen November 19th, 2012
Posted November 30th, 2011
4,612 posts
17.4 Years
Woo, Hi Ryan, That poem is great ^^; Darker poems are the sorta ones I would read ^^
Thanks Emma. I like to read darker poems as well. I'll try coming up with a new poem sometime this week or the next. But this time, it won't be a dark one.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
Hmmm, I must respectfully disagree with the previous comments. Not that it's a BAD poem, per se, but... Competant is how I would describe it. Numerous times, it felt as though you were writing poetry to fit the rhyme scheme and that is nearly always clumsy. You do a good enough job to avoid that particular trap for the most part, but not entirely. Secondly, the shift towards the end is rather offputting. You move from the absract into the blindingly obvious with little transition. That hurts the meaning of your work. Finally, and again, with writing your poem to fit the rhyme is that you let your rhythm suffer in several instances.

The poem is not without potential, though. I compliment your word choice, and when you make an effort, you can be very economical with your language which is a definate plus. Your work is free of typos as well, which, as purile as it sounds, is a definate problem here. I suggest taking this back for revision, working on cohesiveness and rhythm for the most part, and reposting it here. You're on the right track, it just needs a little work.

~Ozy~ out.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 30
Ontario, Canada
Seen November 19th, 2012
Posted November 30th, 2011
4,612 posts
17.4 Years
Hmmm, I must respectfully disagree with the previous comments. Not that it's a BAD poem, per se, but... Competant is how I would describe it. Numerous times, it felt as though you were writing poetry to fit the rhyme scheme and that is nearly always clumsy. You do a good enough job to avoid that particular trap for the most part, but not entirely. Secondly, the shift towards the end is rather offputting. You move from the absract into the blindingly obvious with little transition. That hurts the meaning of your work. Finally, and again, with writing your poem to fit the rhyme is that you let your rhythm suffer in several instances.

The poem is not without potential, though. I compliment your word choice, and when you make an effort, you can be very economical with your language which is a definate plus. Your work is free of typos as well, which, as purile as it sounds, is a definate problem here. I suggest taking this back for revision, working on cohesiveness and rhythm for the most part, and reposting it here. You're on the right track, it just needs a little work.

~Ozy~ out.
Ozy, thanks for the comment. I will try to work on it again. ^^