forever shoryu

Started by yuuka May 11th, 2006 3:39 PM
  • 419 views
  • 1 replies
Age 30
in search for a soul
Seen May 14th, 2008
Posted May 18th, 2006
56 posts
17.8 Years
when I first saw you
so samll so blue
bright blue eyes
that shine with kind
your wings that sour threw the clouds
the expression on your face when you were proud
we laughed at first glance
our love grew stronger and more advanced
Instaed of learning from me I've learned from you
that no matter what always stay true
you goal is ti be the best
above all the rest
you are like the other half of me
determind to be
forever small forever blue
forever shoryu
words I follow by:

Believe in yourself and you will conquer your fear.just say no to evil and you shall win.fight with the good and you shall live.



who am I?
not that evil
not that good either
Im just crazy!

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
To be honest, it's not all that good. It fails to portray the emotions you attempt to convey to the reader, perhaps in part because of its bluntness. I'm not saying that neither it nor you don't have potential, but both need refinement. The numerous typos and lack of punctuation or captilization also detract from understanding and even readability. Your use of enjambment is amatuerish and again, lacks refinement. I reiterate, it needs refinement. One of the best things I have ever heard regarding writing is from Anne Lamott, who says: "Write mukty first drafts." This is what that looks like that. You might go back over that and find only one otr two useable lines and write an almost entirely new poem from that, or maybe fix the inherant mistakes in this piece. Whatever you do, though, you have the opportunity to make it better. Take it. If you need any help, please, feel free to PM me.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.