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Old May 24th, 2006 (4:00 PM).
RocketMeowth's Avatar
RocketMeowth RocketMeowth is offline
Holy catnip batman!
    Join Date: May 2005
    Location: Everywhere I'm not - deep, huh?
    Age: 27
    Gender: Female
    Nature: Adamant
    Posts: 167
    This is the story of a Pokemon who sets off on a journey. What will the outcome be? Read to find out!

    Chapter Roster
    Chapter 1: Part 1: Disturbance

    Chapter 1: Part 1: Disturbance
    Two small Pokemon lay asleep in some tall grass. Perfectly concealed by the grass due to their small size, these two Pokemon slept in peace and silence. That is, until the smaller of the two was awoken by a noise.

    “What the? What was,” began the small Pokemon. His body was a deep brown which was lightened by the light of the moon above. On his neck was tan colored fluff that showed a lighter blue due to the moons light. His ears were long and his tail was fluffy. He was a baby Eevee. No older then 2 months. His name is Alkatrez and the other Eevee is his mother. She still lay asleep undisturbed by the shot or by Alkatrezs movement. Out of this young Eevee’s curiosity, Alkatrez set off to find what ever created the unfamiliar sound. He walked for miles, now unable to view where his mother lay still asleep. He looked around, waiting to see if he could hear that sound once more. He was about to give up when he heard it again. His ears twitched and he stared off into the distance. He slowly began to move towards where he heard the sound coming from as it echoed in his mind. He then stopped and looked to his feet. His legs were shaking and some loose dirt was moving around. Slowly, he looked up to what was in front of him. His ears lowered. He began to move backwards, unable to move any faster because he was paralyzed with fear. A stampede of Pokemon, all twice or three times his size and weight was headed directly towards him. At the last moment he quickly turned around, escaping the paralysis that his fear had caused, and bolted forward at top speed to try to get away. But his efforts were futile. His path back to his mother was blocked by a Rhyhorn as it ran screaming in terror. Alkatrez was now being forced to move with the other pokemon as they were being directed into a large opening in the side of the nearby mountains. “Mom help me! Mom!” Alkatrez screamed as he ran for his life, trying not to be trampled by the other Pokemon.

    “Al? Al are you………….Al!?” said Alkatrezs mother as she awoke to find Alkatrez missing. The vibrations from the stampede had awoken her. She quickly got up and dashed out of the tall grass. She screamed for her son over and over until she noticed footprints in the dirt. They belonged to Alkatrez since they had his scent. She followed them until she reached where the opening in the mountains were.

    “Get these Pokemon gathered up! I want to get this done with as quickly as possible!” yelled a man. His name was Kenno and he was in charge of what he called “The Thousand Roundup”. He was an executive of an illustrious team called Team Genetic. They specialized in capturing Pokemon and using chemicals to alter their bodies, personalities and even their strength. On the ground next to a large truck sat six buckets of green colored liquid. He watched as the mass of Pokemon stampeded into the opening.

    “I have to get out! I have to!” Alkatrez replied as he tried to shove his way out of the heard. As he pushed against the Rhyhorn that was next to him, he slowly was getting out. Soon the Rhyhorn got angered by Alkatrezs shoving and placed its horn under him. It then lifted its head and threw Alkatrez out of the heard and into the six buckets. The green liquid spilled from them and onto Alkatrez. Now covered in the green liquid, Alkatrez lay on the ground with little energy. He tried to push his body up but only fell back down.

    “No! Those are the level changing chemicals! Get that thing out of them and salvage what you can!” yelled Kenno. His face was redder then that of a shiny Gyarados.

    “Yes sir!” said Jean, a newcomer to Kennos team. He gathered up some other men and they got whatever they could of the spilled chemicals with some sponges that were in the back of a Jeep.

    “Alkatrez! Alkatrez where are you!?” creamed Als mother as she ran into the opening. She looked around in fear of losing her son. She then spotted him on the ground. He looked injured. “Alkatrez! Baby I’m coming!” she screamed as she ran for him.

    “Hey Kenno look an Eevee!” said Morgan. He was Kenno’s right hand man in the operation. “It must be the mother of this one,” he said again.

    “She must be. Well, lets show her how we feel about her offspring spilling all our chemicals,” Kenno said.

    “Mom? Mom………is……….is….,” Alkatrez couldn’t finish his sentence. His eyes closed and he drifted into an unconscious state. The last thing he could see was his mother running to him. The last he could hear, was that unfamiliar noise, and a scream.
    My fanfic -> The Plight of Mercury: Empathy of a Dark Life

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    Old May 24th, 2006 (9:08 PM).
    Naminé's Avatar
    Naminé Naminé is offline
      Join Date: Apr 2006
      Nature: Gentle
      Posts: 217
      A decent story, but Naminé thinks that it has its fair share of room to improve. Some words are repeated a lot, or a sentence's idea is repeated immediately right after in the next line... "Two small Pokemon lay asleep in some tall grass. Perfectly concealed by the grass due to their small size, these two Pokemon slept in peace and silence." Naminé notices how a lot of words in these two sentences overlap, and basically, the two are telling her about the same idea. When mistakes like this repeat consistently, the story can bore her a bit...

      Also, perhaps consider controlling or holding back some information. The point of view of the story is focused on the Pokemon here, so how does Naminé know about who or what the human hunters are using this view, especially their names? It didn't make the most sense, and a story is not as exciting if everything is known immediately as well.

      The story is reasonably entertaining though. Unlike many new fanfics, it succeed to have a fair share of details, though further expansion on it is never damaging and always helpful. An insight into the mental world beyond the physical should be the next star to reach for this story~
      [alt account of Lily?]
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      Old May 27th, 2006 (2:38 PM).
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      Aegis Aegis is offline
      The Savage Nymph
      • Gold Tier
      Join Date: Jan 2006
      Location: Canada
      Age: 24
      Gender: Male
      Posts: 4,578
      Pretty good, but a sad ending. I do think you could have changed some sentence beginnings and lengths, but it is pretty good other then those few things

      XII. The Savage Nymph
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