Just last night...

Started by Midori Chi May 26th, 2006 6:36 AM
  • 867 views
  • 13 replies
Female
Texas
Seen October 27th, 2019
Posted September 8th, 2016
5,522 posts
18.8 Years
I haven't posted a poem in here for a while. ^_^'
And so, here's a poem I wanted to post:

Just last night...


Just last night, I thought of you.
Precious memories. The sky was blue.
A summer's day, so very true.
Just last night, I thought of you.

The sun was bright, the sky was clear.
Not any rain, nor a tear.
You came over. We played and played.
I hope those memories will never fade.

Just last night, I thought of you.
Precious memories. The sky was blue.
A summer's day, so very true.
Just last night, I thought of you.

And then that night, I came to you.
The sky was dark. So very true.
There were lots of stars, and even the moon.
It was late, no longer noon.
We layed in the grass, and looked at the sky.
We talked and laughed. It's not a lie.
And I gazed at the sky, then smiled at you.
You smiled back, I'm sure it's true.

Just last night, I thought of you.
Precious memories. The sky was blue.
A summer's day, so very true.
Just last night, I thought of you.

And then it was late. I had to go home.
I took those memories with me, yes all the way home.
I went to my room and I smiled and dreamed.
That summer's day...

Just last night, I thought of you.
Precious memories. The sky was blue.
A summer's day, so very true.
Just last night, I thought of you.

Margot

some things are that simple

they/he
Seen April 16th, 2022
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,662 posts
17.3 Years
Well, I'm not a grammer expert but I do think you have some uneeded commas in the poem though (than again I'm not too sure) like in the beggining when you said Just last night, I though of you

you didn't need the comma there, it would have been alright with out it^^

Does that help at all O__O
Age 34
Female
Fargo, ND
Seen October 18th, 2013
Posted March 9th, 2010
893 posts
17.8 Years
A nice poem, though a little contradictory at times. You set up a nice rhythm and rhyme scheme, but then you didn't keep to it. One of your stanzas was twice as long as the others, and occasionally, a line got too long for your flow. That, and you rhymed "home" with "home". If worse comes to worst, use a slant rhyme before rhyming a word with the same word, especially if your writing your poetry using couplets, like you were. It just makes the lack of a rhyme not jump out at you so suddenly.

But the emotions you were trying to portray came through very clearly, and that was good. Keep writing and keep posting. You'll keep improving.

Keep up the good work.

Who's that returning from the depths of forum ghosts past? Oh! It's me!