Never Never land

Started by fallen_angel May 27th, 2006 7:27 PM
  • 858 views
  • 10 replies
Age 30
Female
With phantom_zangetsu ^.~
Seen March 7th, 2014
Posted July 24th, 2011
238 posts
18.2 Years
This is my first poem in a while. I hope you like it. ^_^

Never Never Land

Can you led me to
never never land?
Somplace that
is far away?

Can you give me hope
that you will come
and lead me far
far, away today?

Will you come when
I cry and wipe
the tears away
make me smile and laugh?

My expections
are way to much
I know you will
never come by.

So let me ask
a single thing.
Will you stay
by my side?

Spoiler:
~*~My PC Family~*~
~My pair: phantom_zangetsu , My Big Sisters .: Dreamer :., Midori Chi, My father Cybex Mewtwo, my brother karasuma My brother-in-law code zero the deluge~


Age 30
The red butterfly
Seen September 4th, 2006
Posted June 27th, 2006
492 posts
17.9 Years
Agh! I'm not the first to post!! Why r u asking me that, u know I will always be right beside u. I'm going to the same schools as u! For the past what? 14 years and nonstop, my friend!
I love the poem just like the way I love u! ^ - ^
I'm going to be gone for some few days,so BYE!
Age 34
Female
Fargo, ND
Seen October 18th, 2013
Posted March 9th, 2010
893 posts
17.8 Years
Your rhythm was a little off in the third stanza, but other than that, very nice. In the stanza with the "cry and wipe" bit, I'd change the punctuation a little just to make it a bit clearer who's crying and who's wiping away the tears.

Nice job, though.

~Keep up the good work~

Who's that returning from the depths of forum ghosts past? Oh! It's me!
Age 30
Female
With phantom_zangetsu ^.~
Seen March 7th, 2014
Posted July 24th, 2011
238 posts
18.2 Years
Thanks. I had led as lead. But I thought it was wrong so I changed it. >< Thanks for the advice they really help. ^_^

Spoiler:
~*~My PC Family~*~
~My pair: phantom_zangetsu , My Big Sisters .: Dreamer :., Midori Chi, My father Cybex Mewtwo, my brother karasuma My brother-in-law code zero the deluge~


Age 35
Seen May 26th, 2011
Posted March 29th, 2008
113 posts
19.6 Years
As far as I'm concerned, this may be an immitation of William Carlos William's style of poetry; although what you lack is the diction or word choice. Though you have conveyed a unique and proper rythm (and contrary to what the people said above me, there is no rhyme scheme...), the way you present words are quite redundant and lack an impact. Though that's just me. Keep up the work.
Age 30
Female
With phantom_zangetsu ^.~
Seen March 7th, 2014
Posted July 24th, 2011
238 posts
18.2 Years
Thanks Abolishing Flames. Next time I write a poem i'll be sure to keep that in mind. ^_^

Spoiler:
~*~My PC Family~*~
~My pair: phantom_zangetsu , My Big Sisters .: Dreamer :., Midori Chi, My father Cybex Mewtwo, my brother karasuma My brother-in-law code zero the deluge~