What He Doesn't Know

Started by Kitteh June 4th, 2006 6:38 PM
  • 648 views
  • 10 replies
Age 31
in mah house
Seen February 5th, 2009
Posted July 25th, 2006
37 posts
17.2 Years
Meh. I'll post my poem... The sharks (critics) opinions don't matter, so go ahead and trash talk it... I already know it sucks. Well, here we go! This is a poem I wrote because the guy I like, doesn't know I like him... WEllz, enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~
What He Doesn't Know
Staring in his eyes,
Everything else disappears.
He understands me,
He dissolves my fears.
I can't wait to tell him,
Exactly how I feel.
What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away.
What he doesn't know,
Is that everytime the phone rings,
I pray it's him.
So I guess that now,
With my feelings laying wide open,
He'll know without a doubt,
That what he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him-
For now.
~~~~~~~
What do you think?? I know it sucks, but please, I want honest opinions.

WEllz, peace and crackers,

~Kitteh~

[tc by me]
talk about a rockin' mudkip! =]
Age 31
in mah house
Seen February 5th, 2009
Posted July 25th, 2006
37 posts
17.2 Years
Um . . . it's pretty oka.^^
Needs some work though but still good!
This is the first poem I've ever written to post on a site... -hyperventilates- Thanks for the comment, I'll probably edit it... -dies-

WEllz, peace and crackers,

~Kitteh~

[tc by me]
talk about a rockin' mudkip! =]

Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
You shouldn't try and downplay yourself and constantly say it "sucks", don't worry.. it's good ^^

Your poem flows very nicely, but just in the middle of it there is somewhat of a.. awkward line

I'll show you:

What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away,
And not tell him anything.

There is something about that one line that sort of throws off your poem, if you just removed that one line your poem would be even better. I'm really not trying to be a mean guy or a "shark" if it seemed like it.. I'm just trying to help you out with good intentions ^^'
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·
Age 31
in mah house
Seen February 5th, 2009
Posted July 25th, 2006
37 posts
17.2 Years
You shouldn't try and downplay yourself and constantly say it "sucks", don't worry.. it's good ^^

Your poem flows very nicely, but just in the middle of it there is somewhat of a.. awkward line

I'll show you:

What he doesn't know,
Is that my feelings are real.
What he doesn't know,
Won't hurt him.
So I guess I'll hide away,
And not tell him anything.

There is something about that one line that sort of throws off your poem, if you just removed that one line your poem would be even better. I'm really not trying to be a mean guy or a "shark" if it seemed like it.. I'm just trying to help you out with good intentions ^^'
Thanks. I'll see what I can do about fixing that.

[tc by me]
talk about a rockin' mudkip! =]
Age 29
Maryland
Seen January 14th, 2009
Posted January 27th, 2008
459 posts
18.1 Years
I loved it. I thought it was great. Don't dobght your self next time.
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my two sites are http://www.freewebs.com/chimpythelonestar/
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Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years
Post them and we'll be the judge of that!.. ah just kidding ^^; XD
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

After 7 years, Xbox Live is Still Amazing

·!¦[·Latest pieces of Writing·]¦!·