Don't go........

Started by Sasuke_Uchiha June 6th, 2006 4:39 PM
  • 783 views
  • 6 replies
Age 29
In the hidden leaf village.
Seen December 22nd, 2007
Posted December 22nd, 2007
87 posts
17.6 Years
Chapter one:The Message

Sasuke: Don't go kimi!!!
Kimi:Help me!!!!!
Sasuke:I will kimi*Starts to run closer to help kimi*Give me your hand
Kimi:Ok, but I can't reach.Watch out!!!
Sasuke:for what?
Kimi:Those men!!
Sasuke:What, hey get off me!!!
kimi:Sasuke help me!!!
Sasuke:I can't move because of the men holding me back.Let me go!!!
Kimi:Sasuke hurry,help me!
Sasuke:GET OF ME!!!*unleashes incredible power*how did I do that?
Kimi:Sasuke!!!
Sasuke:KIMI!!!!*Starts running but gets cought by the leader*Ahh
Leader:Ha you think you can save your freind well your wrong!*Grabs sasuke and throws him*
Sasuke:Ahh.why are you doing this?why would you kidnap my friend kimi?
Leader:...............I am not telling you nothing only if you want to see your friend agian you must bring me the forbidden scroll.
Sasuke:What if I don't?
Leader:Well you can say good-bye to your friend
Sasuke:No you can't do this
Leader:Yes I can,remember bring me the forbidden scroll and I will return your friend back If not bye bye kimi....HAHAHA*Disapears*
Sasuke:Wait! I can't get the forbidden scroll there must be an other way to save my friend..........but what?

Pair with kimi_catdemon

Amy-chan

Has vacated the premises

Age 30
Paradise...
Seen August 20th, 2007
Posted September 29th, 2006
2,339 posts
19.5 Years
What the...? Eh, what is this, a fanfic, script, screenplay? It would have been helpful to write an explanation before leaping into your jumble of words...

No offense, but this makes no sense to me. If this is fanfiction, I suppose it's no wonder I don't understand, since I don't know what your story is based on. Nonetheless, I think even those who are familiar with the anime/cartoon/whatever this is meant to reflect will be confused, as you give no full descriptions of the scenes going on, only vague, dry scripting. I noticed several typos, and your use of more than one exclamation mark after certain sentences rather irked me. I'm extremely sorry that I'm being so negative, but this really needs some work. Don't give up, though, alright? I'm sure you could become a great writer if you follow the advice and constructive criticism of others. Feel free to PM me if you need help with your writing, or if you need me to clarify my statements in this post.
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Kyosuke

.·Simple Complexity

Age 34
Pickering, On
Seen August 8th, 2018
Posted May 17th, 2014
2,485 posts
19.7 Years


It really is hard to give any kind of advice, because there doesn't seem to be any sort of plot or anything, just what seems to be a script of some sort. If you need help on getting started on a fan-fic or a story there are plenty of people who would be glad to help you, including myself, Thorns and I'm sure others as well ^^
"Life isn't perfect, but sometimes you have to make the best of it."

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