The Rock of Sorrow (PG-13)

Started by Nigma June 7th, 2006 10:58 AM
  • 653 views
  • 4 replies
Age 37
Server Nehra
Seen May 18th, 2009
Posted November 3rd, 2007
468 posts
17.7 Years


Rock of Sorrow








“I have dreamed a dream. It was a horrible dream, a dream which forced tears in my eyes and I try to write this dream down for everyone who wants to read it. It tells something about the dark sites of the pokemon world, and we can’t deny that these sites don’t exist. If there are good sites, there have to be bad sites…” ~Nigma the author~




Intro

Será Fujin, also called the Rock of Sorrow is legendary in the pokemons world. Luckily most life-stories are leading a good way and end fine. But there are also the unlucky pokemon and even trainer. The pokemonworld has a good, and a bad side. Pokemon who didn’t have a good life are in pain and in sorrow come to the legendary Rock to die. A ten step stair leads to it from a hill which stands in the frontier of Kanto, Yohto and Hoenn.

But to decide to go to this stone is always arbitration of a strong willed pokemon. A guardian of the stone watches the hill every day in the year. And if a pokemon decides go up the hill, he will inform the government of the 3 pokemon nations. Of course everyone wants to help this pokemon and several people will go to the hill and beg the pokemon to go down the hill. But some pokemon don’t decide otherwise. Some pokemon felled that much sorrow that their will to die is that strong that it can’t be broken by normal humans and pokemon.

These pokemon climb the ten steps of the stair, and every step they will see their entire life in replay. The stone tries to warn this pokemon, but it also calls for it. This Fan fiction tells about one of these pokemon...

========================================

Why am I here? Slowly the gaits of the pokemon went forward through the dismal landscape. It started to get cold, and dark clouds gathered at the sky. A soft wind breeze blew though the fur of the pokemon and it looked up the the grey sky. It was a Raichu. The lovely colour of his fur was dull and there could be seen some wounds which had just healed. It set one gait in front of the other. It was a male Raichu, and he could see the hill where he was leaded by his destiny. What had happened to him? Slowly he came near the guardian’s house, and he could already see the ten steps of sorrow. Soon he would be there, no longer time to wait anymore. Why am I here?

========================================

Jaden-Sensei was inside his house with his wife Tess and enjoyed the tea which she had prepared. “Ah, that’s good!” Tess said. We can drink it now, it’s ready...” “I know, I know, I am drinking it already!” Jaden was nice man who loved tea and pokemon. Sometimes he loved tea more than pokemon, but he wasn’t sure. He was about his 65 years old and had lots of experience. He was about 1, 67 cm tall and was wearing brown jeans and a blue t-shirt when he wasn’t guarding the rock. His white long hair which he had trussed into a long braid carried much wisdom in it, and his beard which was also white wasn’t very long but it looked cosy.

Tessa also loves pokemon and his husband. She was proud of her man which guarded such an important place like the rock of sorrow. For sure it wasn’t the nicest place and she didn’t want ever see a pokemon die, but now she had the change to give pokemon a second chance. 3 Pokemon she had saved already from the death, but if a pokemon didn’t chance it course, she had a task too: Every time a pokemon wants to die and don’t want to chance, she plays the song of life for these poor souls, too lead their way and give them the last hope.


But now she was lucky because a long time no pokemon did come to die here. The last came for about 4 years ago. She was 63 years old and a nice woman who was dressed with a colourful skirt and a scarf. She had also white hear, and for sure she was looking good with that. “Honey, isn’t that beautiful that no pokemon wanted to die for several years?” she asked. “Yes, that is right. Every time a pokemon comes here, it is like I can feel the pain the pokemon has suffered. A horrible and hopeless feeling. But I have to do soon my record. Let’s eat the cake you baked.” “Yes, my dear!”

========================================

Thunders were to hear and the rain slowly started to fall from the clouds. The ears of the Raichu looked down. Depressed and kind of crying he slowly went on to get to the hill. His fur got wet and ropy. The tail grinds on the ground all the time. No living, no happiness. Now he stood in front of the hill where the way leaded up. The guardian’s house stood on the way up. The big black wet eyes of the raichu seeked for hope. But... nothing....

Why am I here? Where do I go? On his neck the Raichu had an id-tag. “Dyna” was printed in. Dyna walked the way up, slowly and just good enough to life for the stairs. After a while he could hear the laughing of two people. Two old people. They seemed to be happy. He couldn´t understand what they were talking and joking about, but for sure, Dyna did want to have a trainer like this. But now it was too late. Slowly he turned his head and went up to the black steps.

========================================

“Honey!” Tess said suddenly. “Yes Mám?” Jaden joked. “Stop joking stupid! I think... I can feel... there is a pokemon outside...” Jaden suddenly lost all his gladness he had, and slowly a bad feeling in his stomach was there. In shock he opened slowly the window to look outside. There was nothing. For some moments he and his wife didn’t breath. They looked carefully outside, but nothing was to see about a pokemon. He turned to his wife and looked straight in her eyes. “Don’t you believe me and my feeling?” Tess asked. “I know something for sure...” the old man said low.

“... I am feeling now the same. And my feeling never betrayed me.” He turned back and his eyes opened wide. “Jaden? What happened?” Then Tess could see the same as Jaden. A Raichu stood outside the rain, already by the steps of sorrow. How was that possible? Didn’t Tess and Jason notice this pokemon? It couldn’t be. It was suddenly there, like a ghost. It looked up to the rock. It was raining the hole time and it was a fascinating looking to see this pokemon there, but also horrible. Jaden couldn’t move. He had to open his eyes even more. The Raichu slowly turned his head in the direction of the pair in the house. It looked direct in Jadons eyes, and Jaden looked back.

He could see directly into these horrible black painful eyes. Jaden lost every colour in his face. What had this pokemon seen? What pain had it suffered? “Oh my god....” he said whispering. “Tess, drive to the village and tell the major it’s a Lost Soul....” “Oh no... This can’t be...” Tess said and run down the hill to their car. Jaden walked slowly outside the house to the Raichu. Jaden could feel that the death had a hand on the pokemons shoulder and he believed to see the ghostly flashing in the shadow of the pokemon. What should he do?



“Believe me dear readers; it isn’t easy for me to write this in two ways. I am not good in English and I am not good in descriptions, but I hope you like it... This dream won’t get out of my head until I have written this horror. Nearby: I have heard the “Orochimaru Theme” from Naruto and the Songs “Homunculus” and “Romei” from Full Metal Alchemist while writing... This is going to be a 10 chapter fanfic to pokemon, 1 chapter for one step the pokemon goes up the stairs.... “~Nigma the author~











Just returned. I have to update this profile, so please just wait some time.

I claim Raichu and Nidorina! Fear them!
Age 38
Wherever my brain is.
Seen October 16th, 2007
Posted May 2nd, 2007
1,709 posts
18 Years
Wow Nigma! What a creepy and interesting idea for a fic! Seriously, I've never seen anything like it. o.o That's a good thing. ^^

Firstly, yes, there are some spots where the grammar is in need of fixing up, though the spelling is generally fine. Since English isn't your first language though, I really must say it's pretty good. If I tried to write a story in Japanese or Spanish, I'd look ridiculous. u.u Hm... have you considered letting someone look over your fic for corrections? That might help. ^-^

Anyway, other than that it's great! I think it's fine with writing it from two perspectives. You do that quite nicely.

I really look forward to finding out if Dyna makes it to the top and seeing it's life.

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Well, Nigma. I have to agree that for a first fic this is very well done, and even though English is not your first language you've done far better in terms of grammar than spelling than a good bit of these so-called "native speakers" around here. ^^ Still, not being a native speaker myself, I don't see it as an excuse not to correct your mistakes. Just don't take it as a personal assault or anything. xD

Well, here goes...

Será Fujin, also called the Rock of Sorrow is legendary in the pokemons world. Luckily most life-stories are leading a good way and end fine. But there are also the unlucky pokemon and even trainer. The pokemonworld has a good, and a bad side. Pokemon who didn’t have a good life are in pain and in sorrow come to the legendary Rock to die. A ten step stair leads to it from a hill which stands in the frontier of Kanto, Yohto and Hoenn.
Okay, first off: as the "also called the Rock of Sorrow" bit is kind of a sidenote, you should add another comma after it (That is, between "Sorrow" and "is"). Also, "Pokemons" world should either be "Pokemon's" (As in, the possessive of "Pokemon") or "Pokemon world", without the 's'. As an additional nitpick, you could add the little thingie on top of the 'e' in "Pokémon" by pressing the ´ and e keys at the same time. It's not a big deal, though, just thought I'd point it out.

Moving on, add a comma after "Luckily", and more importantly, the "most life-stories are leading a good way and end fine." bit should be rephrased. True, a "life" can be led, but a "life-story" can't. Don't ask me why, this is just one of the many strange quirks in the english language which just have to be learned. At any rate, a grammatically correct way of phrasing it could be "most lives are led in a good way and end fine." or, if you want to keep the "life-story" bit, "most life-stories are good ones with happy ends." (The "happy end" is a cliché of storytelling and could fit well with the story analogy) or something to that effect. ^^

Next up, the "pokemonworld" bit should be separrated into "pokemon world". For consistency, use this term in the very first sentence. Also, it's usually not recommended to start a sentence with "but", might I suggest exchanging that for an equivalent expression like "However"? Also, you could fuse this sentence with the next one, as they are both kind of building on the same idea. "Even" might also be a bit redundant as we all know about unlucky trainers, ne? People are always getting unlucky after all, so you could remove that. Also, you should add an 's' after "trainer" as they are referred to in plural (As in, trainers in general). For a fusion of these two sentences, I'd suggest something like:
But the pokémon world also had a bad side, and there are both trainers and pokémon who didn't enjoy such good lives.
You could also try exchanging the rather moderate adjective "bad" with sooething more ominous like "darker" for added effect. Also, since you were just explaining that there were many good life-stories, you don't really need to state that there is a good side to the pokémon world. It's not wrong, mind you, just unnecessary. Also, in the next sentence, you don't need to repeat "Pokémon who didn't have good lives" (Note the plural, there are many pokémon and therefore also many lives) as this information was already provided in the previous sentence, and you can just refer to them as "These pokémon" instead. Avoiding unnecessary repetition will help the flow of your story a great deal. Also, for the same reason, you you could move the "pain and sorrow" bit to the arrival of the pokémon, that is:

These pokémon arrive at the legendary rock in pain and sorrow to die.
I believe you get the idea, although I'm sure it could still be phrased better. Anyhow, this also seems like a good spot to convey more information about the rock. Why do these pokémon, who are in such misery, arrive at the rock? Is it believed that they can get rid of their sorrow by dying there...or something else? You've caught interest with this line, so don't let it drop off. As final nitpicks on this part, "ten step" should have a hiphon in between (I.e. "ten-step"), "stair" should be "stairway" (As a "stair" would only be a single step), something is located "on" a frontier not "in" a frontier, and Johto is spelled with a "J".
But to decide to go to this stone is always arbitration of a strong willed pokemon. A guardian of the stone watches the hill every day in the year. And if a pokemon decides go up the hill, he will inform the government of the 3 pokemon nations. Of course everyone wants to help this pokemon and several people will go to the hill and beg the pokemon to go down the hill. But some pokemon don’t decide otherwise. Some pokemon felled that much sorrow that their will to die is that strong that it can’t be broken by normal humans and pokemon.
Okay, practical question. How does a pokémon (Excluding psychics) inform a government? o.O A bit of clarification could be in order here. That aside, some pokémon "feel" (As there are still ones that do, right? Therefore the action isn't finished and should be in present tense") as opposed to "felt" (I believe this is what "Felled" was meant to be? Felled, past tense of fell, is an old-fashioned term used in hunting when prey is killed, I believe (E.g. "I felled a magnificent elk today"), either that or it lacks a meaning alltogether.). Also, it should be "so much" sorrow, as opposed to "that much", or optionally "too much", and the smae goes for the "that strong" bit (Should be "so strong) in which case it could be rephrased as:

Some pokemon feel too much sorrow, their will to die so strong that it can’t be broken by normal humans and pokemon.
Still, I love the dark mood of this. A very appealing initial setting.
These pokemon climb the ten steps of the stair, and every step they will see their entire life in replay. The stone tries to warn this pokemon, but it also calls for it. This Fan fiction tells about one of these pokemon...
As before, "Staircase" or "Stairway" over "stair", and...they see their whole life in replay at every step? That's like, ten replays. o.O Maybe you could rephrase that as "A part of their life". Anyhow, it should be "these pokémon" and "calls for them", as there are many pokémon as opposed to one. Also, don't use the term "fan fiction", that's like breaking the fourth wall and kind of spoils the mood. Replace that with "story" or "tale", please. E.g "The tale of one of these pokémon".
Why am I here? Slowly the gaits of the pokemon went forward through the dismal landscape. It started to get cold, and dark clouds gathered at the sky. A soft wind breeze blew though the fur of the pokemon and it looked up the the grey sky. It was a Raichu. The lovely colour of his fur was dull and there could be seen some wounds which had just healed. It set one gait in front of the other. It was a male Raichu, and he could see the hill where he was leaded by his destiny. What had happened to him? Slowly he came near the guardian’s house, and he could already see the ten steps of sorrow. Soon he would be there, no longer time to wait anymore. Why am I here?
A gait is a pace of walking, and should always be in singular unless the different paws are moving at different speeds, so please change that. Moving on, the Raichu would "take one step after the other", as opposed to "take one gait after the other", see earlier comment. Also, the past tense of "lead" is "led" as opposed to "leaded", due to another grammatical exception in the english language. And finally, the second "Why am I here" falls under the same part as the first one.
Jaden-Sensei was inside his house with his wife Tess and enjoyed the tea which she had prepared. “Ah, that’s good!” Tess said. We can drink it now, it’s ready...” “I know, I know, I am drinking it already!” Jaden was nice man who loved tea and pokemon. Sometimes he loved tea more than pokemon, but he wasn’t sure. He was about his 65 years old and had lots of experience. He was about 1, 67 cm tall and was wearing brown jeans and a blue t-shirt when he wasn’t guarding the rock. His white long hair which he had trussed into a long braid carried much wisdom in it, and his beard which was also white wasn’t very long but it looked cosy.
Okay, let's start out with paragraphing. Every new talker in a dialogue should have a new line, with one empty line in between, that is:
Jaden-Sensei was inside his house with his wife Tess and enjoyed the tea which she had prepared.

“Ah, that’s good!” Tess said, "We can drink it now, it’s ready...”

“I know, I know, I am drinking it already!”

Jaden was nice man who loved tea and pokemon. Sometimes he loved tea more than pokemon, but he wasn’t sure. He was about his 65 years old and had lots of experience. He was about 1, 67 cm tall and was wearing brown jeans and a blue t-shirt when he wasn’t guarding the rock. His white long hair which he had trussed into a long braid carried much wisdom in it, and his beard which was also white wasn’t very long but it looked cosy.
This way it's easier to differentiate between the different speakers in a conversation, particularly when there are more of them, which prevents reader confusion. Moving on, try replacing "and enjoyed" with adding a comma after "Tess" and changing "enjoyed" to "enjoying" (As he is still enjoying the tea and so the action is not finished). Also, "Sometimes he loved tea more than pokémon" kind of contradicts with the "but he wasn't sure" bit. Changing the first part of the sentence to something slightly vaguer like "Sometimes it even seemed like he loved tea more tha pokémon" would remove the contradiction. Still, I'd like to take this moment to say that I find Jaden to be a refereshing change to the usual human main characters. He sounds like an amusing old man, so good job on that. ^^ However, his description could be presented in a far more fluent manner. For starters, you've repeated "He was" in two consecutive sentences, that's a stylistic no-no. Try an alternative phrasing of the first senteces such as "At about 65 years of age, he had already gathered a lot of experience". Also, in the last sentence of this paragraph, the "which he had trussed into a long braid" part is a bit of a sidenote, so put commas on both sides of it.
Tessa also loves pokemon and his husband. She was proud of her man which guarded such an important place like the rock of sorrow. For sure it wasn’t the nicest place and she didn’t want ever see a pokemon die, but now she had the change to give pokemon a second chance. 3 Pokemon she had saved already from the death, but if a pokemon didn’t chance it course, she had a task too: Every time a pokemon wants to die and don’t want to chance, she plays the song of life for these poor souls, too lead their way and give them the last hope.
Okay, since Tessa is obviously a woman you should put "loved her husband" as opposed to "his husband" (A slip up, I believe? xD) and it should be "loved" as opposed to "loves" since the sentence is in past tense. Also, her man (You could just refer to him as "him" in this instance) is a person, so it should be "who" as opposed to "which" (Only use "which" for inanimate objects and events). After "For sure" you should have a comma. Furthermore, the "she didn't want ever see a pokémon die" needs to be re-ordered to "she didn't ever want to see a pokémon die" and according to "the rule of ten" any number ten or below should be written in letters as opposed to numbers, so maybe change "3" to "three"? Also, the "changed" (I believe you spell-checker made this out of a misspelled "chance") could be changed to opportunity so as to avoid repeating "chance" two times in the same sentence. In the next sentence, "if a pokémon didn't chance it course" should be "if a pokémon didn't change its course" ("its" being the possessive form of "it" since it's the pokémon's course). Finally, the bit beginning "Every time a pokémon wants to die..." should be in past tense like the rest and have a bit of a grammar change, I.e. "Every time a pokemon wanted to die and wouldn’t change its mind, she would play the song of life for the poor soul to lead its way and give it the last hope." (This sentence is referring to "a pokémon" as opposed to many pokémon so it should be in singular, as in this example)
But now she was lucky because a long time no pokemon did come to die here. The last came for about 4 years ago. She was 63 years old and a nice woman who was dressed with a colourful skirt and a scarf. She had also white hear, and for sure she was looking good with that. “Honey, isn’t that beautiful that no pokemon wanted to die for several years?” she asked. “Yes, that is right. Every time a pokemon comes here, it is like I can feel the pain the pokemon has suffered. A horrible and hopeless feeling. But I have to do soon my record. Let’s eat the cake you baked.” “Yes, my dear!”
Let's start by paragraphing this again so it's easier to process.

But now she was lucky because a long time no pokemon did come to die here. The last came for about 4 years ago. She was 63 years old and a nice woman who was dressed with a colourful skirt and a scarf. She had also white hear, and for sure she was looking good with that.

“Honey, isn’t that beautiful that no pokemon wanted to die for several years?” she asked.

“Yes, that is right. Every time a pokemon comes here, it is like I can feel the pain the pokemon has suffered. A horrible and hopeless feeling. But I have to do soon my record. Let’s eat the cake you baked.”

“Yes, my dear!”
Umm..."now she was lucky" sounds kind of weird. How about "now she felt happy" (As in, happy not ot have to see pokémon suffer)? I don't know, but in your native language, and do excuse my ignorance, would there be one word which means both of these things? That would explain the choice. At any rate, the sentence could use restructuring, something like
Thunders were to hear and the rain slowly started to fall from the clouds. The ears of the Raichu looked down. Depressed and kind of crying he slowly went on to get to the hill. His fur got wet and ropy. The tail grinds on the ground all the time. No living, no happiness. Now he stood in front of the hill where the way leaded up. The guardian’s house stood on the way up. The big black wet eyes of the raichu seeked for hope. But... nothing....
See my earlier comment on separating thoughts from the rest of the text. Also, "Thunder" is like "Money", always written in singular form, and "were to hear" is gramatically incorrect (Unless your trying to say that the thunder was about to hear something, but I don't think you are). It should look something like "The sound of thunder became audible as rain slowly started to fall from the clouds." or optionally, "The sounds of several loud thunderclaps became audible as rain slowly started pouring from the clouds above." (A bit of extra decorative words to enhance the mood created). Also, if the Raichu's ears looked down that would imply that it had eyes or some other means of seeing on its ears, the correct term would be something like "hung". "kind of crying" also sounds a bit too informal for the current dark, depressed mood that you've been building up here, try to replace it with something like "Depressed and on the verge of tears". Furthermore, awkward though it may sound, you should still write the part about the tail past tense like the rest (E.g. "The tail ground against the ground", awkward, I know.) and the past tense form of "seek" is "sought", not "seeked". When using "seek" you don't need to add "for" either, that's only for "search". Confusing and illogical? Yup, that's english for you.
Why am I here? Where do I go? On his neck the Raichu had an id-tag. “Dyna” was printed in. Dyna walked the way up, slowly and just good enough to life for the stairs. After a while he could hear the laughing of two people. Two old people. They seemed to be happy. He couldn´t understand what they were talking and joking about, but for sure, Dyna did want to have a trainer like this. But now it was too late. Slowly he turned his head and went up to the black steps.
Okay, things are printed "on" tags rather than "in" them. Also, you could maybe change the structure of the sentence slightly to make it a bit more fluent, E.g. "On his neck, the Raichu had an ID tag with his name, Dyna, printed on it.". Also, "goode enough to life for the stairs"...umm...could you explain what you mean by this? I'm honestly lost this time, but I believe that this is your spell-checker going berserk on you. Nasty litte things...
“Honey!” Tess said suddenly. “Yes Mám?” Jaden joked. “Stop joking stupid! I think... I can feel... there is a pokemon outside...” Jaden suddenly lost all his gladness he had, and slowly a bad feeling in his stomach was there. In shock he opened slowly the window to look outside. There was nothing. For some moments he and his wife didn’t breath. They looked carefully outside, but nothing was to see about a pokemon. He turned to his wife and looked straight in her eyes. “Don’t you believe me and my feeling?” Tess asked. “I know something for sure...” the old man said low.
Once again, I'll start by paragraphing this for clarity.

“Honey!” Tess said suddenly.

“Yes Mám?” Jaden joked.

“Stop joking stupid! I think... I can feel... there is a pokemon outside...”

Jaden suddenly lost all his gladness he had, and slowly a bad feeling in his stomach was there. In shock he opened slowly the window to look outside. There was nothing. For some moments he and his wife didn’t breath. They looked carefully outside, but nothing was to see about a pokemon. He turned to his wife and looked straight in her eyes.

“Don’t you believe me and my feeling?” Tess asked.

“I know something for sure...” the old man said low.
Overall, this paragraph is among the better ones in terms of grammar, but still, a few nitpicks: it's "m'am" as opposed to "Mám), as "m'am" is a shortend version of "madam", and whenever a word in english is shortend like this, an apostrpohe is left at the spot of the removed letters, hence "m'am". Also, only real names demand capital first letters at all times, titles don't. Furthermore,
Jaden suddenly lost all his gladness he had, and slowly a bad feeling in his stomach was there.
This needs to be rephrased, something along the lines of "Jaden suddenly lost all of his previous gladness, a bad feeling in his stomach slowly coming to replace it.". You could also replace "gladness" with a more elegant term like "joy" or "mirth".

Moving on, add a coma after "In shock" and an 'e' to "breath" so it become the verb "breathe". Also, "some moments" is a bit of an awkward way to put it, "A few moments" or just "a moment" are standard ones. You might also want to try "feelings" in Tess' question to make it kind of a "don't you trust me?" type argument. I could see that working well. xD Also, "the old man said low" should be "the old man said in a low voice", or optionally "the old man said quietly.".

“... I am feeling now the same. And my feeling never betrayed me.” He turned back and his eyes opened wide. “Jaden? What happened?” Then Tess could see the same as Jaden. A Raichu stood outside the rain, already by the steps of sorrow. How was that possible? Didn’t Tess and Jason notice this pokemon? It couldn’t be. It was suddenly there, like a ghost. It looked up to the rock. It was raining the hole time and it was a fascinating looking to see this pokemon there, but also horrible. Jaden couldn’t move. He had to open his eyes even more. The Raichu slowly turned his head in the direction of the pair in the house. It looked direct in Jadons eyes, and Jaden looked back.
Once again, let's get the paragraphs in order.

“... I am feeling now the same. And my feeling never betrayed me.” He turned back and his eyes opened wide.

“Jaden? What happened?”

Then Tess could see the same as Jaden. A Raichu stood outside the rain, already by the steps of sorrow. How was that possible? Didn’t Tess and Jason notice this pokemon? It couldn’t be. It was suddenly there, like a ghost. It looked up to the rock. It was raining the hole time and it was a fascinating looking to see this pokemon there, but also horrible. Jaden couldn’t move. He had to open his eyes even more. The Raichu slowly turned his head in the direction of the pair in the house. It looked direct in Jadons eyes, and Jaden looked back.
To begin with, "...I am feeling now the same." should be re-ordered to "...I feel the same now.". Once again, consider using "feelings" to give Jaden's words a more general tone (I.e. It's not only this one feeling that hasn't betrated him, but the same goes for his feelings in general). Furthermore, you might want to add something like "Tess asked, walking up to her husband" after "Jaden, what happened?" and then follow up with "Before she got a reply, she had already spotted the same thing as Jaden, however.", it's quite a large change but should help to make it less chunky. Also, you could end this phrase with a colon as the next sentence describes the sight. Also, I believe you meant "the whole time" rather than "the hole time" and "Jaden" rather than "Jadon". The next sentence, however, needs some serious modification. "Seeing" is the wrong word here, and overall, there's a lot to be cleaned. It should look more like:
It was raining the whole time and seeing the pokémon just stand there was both fascinating and horrible at the same time.
He could see directly into these horrible black painful eyes. Jaden lost every colour in his face. What had this pokemon seen? What pain had it suffered? “Oh my god....” he said whispering. “Tess, drive to the village and tell the major it’s a Lost Soul....” “Oh no... This can’t be...” Tess said and run down the hill to their car. Jaden walked slowly outside the house to the Raichu. Jaden could feel that the death had a hand on the pokemons shoulder and he believed to see the ghostly flashing in the shadow of the pokemon. What should he do?
Okay, final paragraph. But first things first:

He could see directly into these horrible black painful eyes. Jaden lost every colour in his face. What had this pokemon seen? What pain had it suffered?

“Oh my god....” he said whispering. “Tess, drive to the village and tell the major it’s a Lost Soul....”

“Oh no... This can’t be...” Tess said and run down the hill to their car.

Jaden walked slowly outside the house to the Raichu. Jaden could feel that the death had a hand on the pokemons shoulder and he believed to see the ghostly flashing in the shadow of the pokemon. What should he do?
First off, a bit of a style point: switch the places of "black" and "painful" in the first sentence for added effect. You see, "horrible" and "painful" are strongly emotive adjectives (As in, they express and awaken certain kinds of emotional reactions) whereas "black" is descriptive (I.e. Just tells what something is like) with little or no emotional impact, so list the emotions first and the description last for a better effect, and also, "painful" would mean painful for the viewer, you might want to exchange that with "pained" (That is, the owner of the eyes is in pain), although both make sense in this instance. It should also be "those" as opposed to "these" eyes in this instance. Furthermore, since it's a list you should have commas, e.g. "He could see directly into these horrible, painful, black eyes.". The next sentence could also be fused with this one, e.g. "Jaden could see directly into these horrible, painful, black eyes, and as he did so, he could feel the colour vanishing from his face."

On the next line, just remove said and make it "he whispered". After all, he can't both whisper and say something at the same time, so the "said" bit is redundant. Also, "major" is a word signifying amount, the village leader person would be a "mayor" and the "run" should be "ran".
Jaden walked slowly outside the house to the Raichu. Jaden could feel that the death had a hand on the pokemons shoulder and he believed to see the ghostly flashing in the shadow of the pokemon. What should he do?
This could be a paragraph on its own, I think. Also, since Jaden is leaving the house it should be "Jaden slowly walked out of the house and towards the Raichu". Furthermore, you've got a repeat of "Jaden" in the beginnings of these two sentences, which is cramping up your style. Try replacing the second "Jaden" with "He" or "The old man" also, Death is Death, and the word is treated in a similar fashion as God, meaning that you don't need to put a "the" since there's only one Death in existence. Finally, the "and he believed to see" bit would come off better as something like "and he could almost see" (Ergo, he could easily picture).

Well, there you have it. ^^ As a final note, I do hope that you don't take all of these corrections as discouragement (Believe me, you got off easier than most. xD). Even though it might not be gramatically perfect, your fanfic, unlike a good deal of others, has a solid and interesting idea behind it, and I look forward to seeing you develop it. I'll also have to concur with Melissa here, it's rare to see fanfic writers (Especially those new to it) with such a good grasp of using language and even though the sentences were a bit awkward at times, you did establish both mood and emotional impact. Not being a native english speaker myself, I can't see the point about not being a native speaker making learning the language too much of an issue. Just keep working at it and you'll be correcting others in no time. Relatively, anyway. ^-^

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to have to go give my hands a bit of well deserved rest. xD
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Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
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Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
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Age 37
Server Nehra
Seen May 18th, 2009
Posted November 3rd, 2007
468 posts
17.7 Years
@ alter ego: um... eh... well, at first i have to thank you because of your hard work by analysing my fanfic. I think about some of your corrections, but i saw some of my own mistakes. Second is that i am not a new writer in fanfictions, i am just a new writer in fanfictions which include pokemon. It´s... not the same as my old ones... (on top of that, i never said i am new at this... ^^ )

But i admire your analysing-abilities. I never had a reader who ever had occupied with my fanfiction THAT much... ^^

Thanks Alter Ego

@ light_azumarill: Thanks Azu, but i had to send away my "corrector" because he was an ******. So i have written this fanfiction without any corrections of a program and all. For sure i will correct some things from time to time, but i first have to write the third chapter, ok? And correcting the other two will be a nice job... ^^
Just returned. I have to update this profile, so please just wait some time.

I claim Raichu and Nidorina! Fear them!

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Ahh...my apologies, I just noticed that you were a new face in the section and figured it was your debut, the quality should have been enough of a giveaway, I suppose, but I just figured you had other writing experience (Such as your RPing) to explain that. My aim was by no means to belittle your experience, although it doesn't seem like you took it as such. ^^
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet