A Pokemon Story

Started by MewSkitty June 12th, 2006 12:40 PM
  • 477 views
  • 3 replies
Age 33
Somewhere spreading love to everyone!
Seen September 14th, 2007
Posted February 22nd, 2007
247 posts
18.2 Years
This is my first ever fan fic I wrote, which is uncomplete. When I get time I plan to reread it and figure out what I was planning and start writing it again. To help save time and room, I'm posting my fan fic as an attachment.
"The circumstances of one's birth are irrelivant. It's what one dose with the gift of life that determains who they are."
-Mewtwo
Is there a Treeland? If so, there.
Seen March 13th, 2013
Posted April 22nd, 2011
454 posts
18.7 Years
Oh goodness. I remember you. =X I remember I reviewed back when too and you and I got into this entire debate about it.

Let's do it again! =D

Why was the professor first afraid of Pokémon? No background history on that?

Why would Charmander not defend itself without the trainer seeing as he has the capability of doing so? I understand that it could of felt obliged to save the guy that tried to save him, but still... o.-

Oh this is where we got into a fight. The Dratini. I argued that how can a rookie trainer catch a Dratini so quickly like that or something right? I still think that entire scene is absurd. For starters, it's a baby Charmander. No way is it going to have that wide an arsenal of attacks like Flamethrower yet. And the Dratini wouldn't put up a struggle to free itself? If I remember correctly, Dratini's put up one helluva fight before you could catch one.

So the trainer (omg, does this kid have a name yet?) basically just took the Ditto's egg without looking for it's mother? Maybe the mother went to get food for its baby.

Uh oh. Gary-stu alert.

Something that I warned you about earlier I might add. Really. What is the likelihood of finding a Charmander, a Dratini and a Shiny Ditto in what seems to be one day?

Okay. The Ralts part is alright. I can deal with that. But let's back it up just a notch. HE HAS FOUR POKéMON AND DOESN'T HAVE A FREAKIN' TRAINER'S LICENSE YET? I DON'T THINK YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO THAT. OH EM GEE, I THINK IT'S ILLEGAL TO EVEN BATTLE AND CATCH POKéMON IF YOU DON'T HAVE A LICENSE.

Oh. Goodie. He also captures an ultra powerful Zangoose when he became legal to even catch a Pokémon. I remember that so very well.

And who's Jeered? I thought his name was Jared. o.o

You haven't even tried to change what the other reviewers and I have said one year before have you? That's rather disappointing. You try to improve on your fic, not just post stuff for publicity. You could of at least gotten rid of the simple spelling and grammar mistakes. But whatever, you're call. I just throw my two cents in and skip along the yellow brick road.

Sigh. I might get to the rest of the chapters later. That is if you don't throw a hissy fit like last time.

LaTeR dAyZ!

EDIT: UH OH CHAPTER DOS! D:

What's with this "Jeered" pun on Jared's name? Or is his name really Jeered? Because that's an awfully odd name, and frankly, I'd rather have my name than... Jeered.

I wouldn't think Beldum's would have to eat. Especially trash food. Since you know, they're kind of like robots or something. ._. And I'm pretty sure that it would also put up some kind of fight. It's stunned. Not paralyzed. And Monica is a rookie trainer as well.

Don't you have to mix cement too other than just wet it. I know I'm just being picky now, but.. don't you. It keeps it wet and it doesn't harden or something.

No offense but why would a powerful team like Team Ozone (I wish you lot would get more creative with these team names but eh) want two rookie trainers and try to force them into it? Wouldn't they have to train them? Wouldn't that cause more hassle?

I know you're trying to shadow who the wife is but I find it unnatural that his wife would be so formal with that letter. Doesn't she love him? Loveless marriage oh em gee.

Now I could continue to be snipey with this fic and question your common sense, however that wouldn't do any good. So let me try to comment on some other things.

Hmm.

You have a very montonous style of writing. "We went to do this. We went to do that. We saw a Wurmple. Monica wanted to catch it." Writing in the same sentence structure will absolutely bore your readers. At least to people like me who have a short attention span as it is. You also tend to be repatitive. Thanks for looking out for the people who have short attention span again but I'm pretty sure we'll remember that we're in Viridian City and going to Pewter.

Like I said earlier, easy mistakes like writing "where" instead of "we're" and whatnot. If Hanako reviews this, she'll catch them for you (haha, good luck. :P)

I'm rather curious as to why you want to write this fic as flashbacks and now simply have the narrator go through it. But maybe I should read on for that to be answered.

You know. It also doesn't kill to post your fic on the actual forum. More people woud prolly read your fic more if you did anyways.
Seen June 11th, 2021
Posted August 6th, 2010
322 posts
16.9 Years
"No, this can't be true, how can new trainers be so strong? It can't be true."


NO, it can't! You got that right. How would both BEGINNER, not abandoned but given TM's, Charmanders know a high-scale move like Flamethrower. And also, how can a powerful move like your (I gotta admit, awesome name) attack crush claw defeat a Dragon-type (Strongest pokemon type) speices like Dratini, yet a measly Ralts survives? HOW? It just doesn't add up!
ProtrainerEon

[PM me for my e-mail!]






PC Cousin: Hayate
PC Brother: Banov
Age 33
Somewhere spreading love to everyone!
Seen September 14th, 2007
Posted February 22nd, 2007
247 posts
18.2 Years
Why are you people so picky? This was a fan fic I wrote back in 2003 before I even did essays in school. Anyways, I'm taking your comments into consideration for my 2 other fan fic and 1 novel I started writing this summer. You see, I have trouble keeping on one track, so to keep my stories on the same track, I write more than one at a time. Also, when I have the internet at my house, I'll post the chapters one by one for better comments on them.
"The circumstances of one's birth are irrelivant. It's what one dose with the gift of life that determains who they are."
-Mewtwo