A friendship poem XD

Started by Midori Chi June 13th, 2006 8:28 AM
  • 902 views
  • 8 replies
Female
Texas
Seen October 27th, 2019
Posted September 8th, 2016
5,522 posts
18.8 Years
This emotion I have,
The feeling I feel,
I get so happy,
and I know it's real.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

When you stay by my side,
I'm filled with shine.
You overjoy me,
you friends of mine.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

When we talk on the phone,
When we meet at a place,
I'm filled with joy.
I'm filled with grace.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

Through all the good times,
and through all the bad.
When we're happy,
and when we're sad.

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

As a friend, I love you. It's true.
Let's be together, me and you.
My friend, my pal, my buddy, my sis.
I know very well, and I say this:

Thank you so much,
for being my friend.
We'll be together,
till the very end.

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
What went wrong: It seems to be consistantly limited, and is obviously victim of writing to a rhyme scheme. That, in turn, feels clumsy and amaturish. Consequently, the poem loses its flow in a way that a free or blank verse piece would not have while converying the same ideas. Consider breaking out of a conventional rhyme scheme if youy do want to continue with it.

There are also some places that are either repetitive or make less than total grammatical sense, again, due to writing to a rhyme scheme. I can't really say how to fix this, other than to say that you have to let the rhyme come to the poem, not the poem to the rhyme.

I also disliked the bluntness of it. Try to be more oblique in the meaning of your poem, it has a far greater influence on the reader if you don't directly talk about friendship, but instead, allude to it.

The other major issue I have is the repeating stanza. By the time I'd read half the poem, it had lost all possible meaning and was wasted space. Consider using it as the opening stanza and the closing to give the piece a sense of continuity.

What went right: You DID hold a consistant rhyme scheme throughout th piece, without relying on approximate rhyme. That is commendable in its own right. You do have some emotional meaning, rather than a vapid, dead poem. That adds a good bit of value.

My advice: Work on making your poetry less stiff, focus less on the rhyme, more on the emotion. Allude to that emotion as well. Perhaps use stronger imagery and metaphor? Definately make an effort to be less blunt.

Overall score: 6/10.
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Age 30
Where old people come to die.
Seen August 16th, 2014
Posted December 24th, 2006
1,892 posts
19.5 Years
I have to say that I feel the same as Ozy when it comes to you tried harder on rhyming more than the emotion, but altogether this poem is soothing. It makes you feel lucky to have a friend. It's also one of those few poems you find on PC that doesn't bum you out. Instead, it lifts your spirits. You have a nice spark there, Chi.
I left...
Age 31
together with fallen,ontop of shukaku's head
Seen December 9th, 2008
Posted April 28th, 2007
517 posts
17.8 Years
aww i wasnt the one to post first!
wow ozy sure is a looooong typer! O_O!

well, i dont care what anyone says, dat poem is good.....just good, and nothing better!
try to improve though cuzzin!


lovingly and forever paired with the one and only, fallen_angel


~pHaNt0m~