the poem about Life

Started by One Charmed Dude June 22nd, 2006 12:27 PM
  • 653 views
  • 6 replies

One Charmed Dude

♥~*~♥Charmed One♥~*~♥

Age 29
The Charmed Manor, in San Frasisco
Seen August 15th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2008
105 posts
16.9 Years
Life:
I'm over here not over there.
sometimes life just isn't fair.
but through it all i can see,what's inside you and me.
Sometimes life is actually fair.
It seems like people really care.

But when i feel i'm shoved aside,only me and you
know we're alive. But that's alright,that's ok cause
tomorrow's another day!

Sometimes i feel the wishes i make are only fake.
Some don't come true and others do,so we'll make it through.
All i need is to be with you, i don't need another lure, i need
you as my cure!


So when you are down and won't come around, i am there
for you.
I also can be upset and down but you always make me
come around.


I'm over here not over there.
sometimes life just isn't fair.
but through it all i can see,what's inside you and me.
Sometimes life is actually fair.
And it seems like people really care
~*~*~ Yes I am a Charmed Fan ~*~*~
of
Prue Piper Pheobe and Paige
The Halliwell Manor Where Demons Die!!!

Go Piper!!!


"The Power of Three Will Set Us Free......"
"Power of the witches rise course unseen across the skies come to us who call you near come to us and settle here!!!"

Bishies
Piper Halliwell// Leo Wyatt

One Charmed Dude

♥~*~♥Charmed One♥~*~♥

Age 29
The Charmed Manor, in San Frasisco
Seen August 15th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2008
105 posts
16.9 Years
thanks Flarey-Chan thats nice of you!
~*~*~ Yes I am a Charmed Fan ~*~*~
of
Prue Piper Pheobe and Paige
The Halliwell Manor Where Demons Die!!!

Go Piper!!!


"The Power of Three Will Set Us Free......"
"Power of the witches rise course unseen across the skies come to us who call you near come to us and settle here!!!"

Bishies
Piper Halliwell// Leo Wyatt

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
What went wrong: It seems clumsy. It's your diction that is primarily responsible for this, but there are also several unecessary statements at times. Also, your rhyme scheme, while free-form is somewhat lacking and can throw off the reader. There are several statements that are either unecessarily repetitive or obvious. Finally, it seems that little true thought went into this. It isn't unifed, in fact, it seemed disjointed. There's little to visually interest the reader or capture their imagination.

What went right: It seems heartfelt. If you continue writing poetry, don't let yourself lose your emotional involvement in the poem.

How to make it better: My suggestion would be to throw it out and start over. Pay particular attention to using imagery to convey meaning instead of simply saying what you mean. It's a subtle line, but an important one. Also, check your capitilization and punctuation. There are several errors there. Finally, don't worry so much about rhyme. Maybe freewrite for a few minutes before you put it to verse?

Overall score: 3/10
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.

One Charmed Dude

♥~*~♥Charmed One♥~*~♥

Age 29
The Charmed Manor, in San Frasisco
Seen August 15th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2008
105 posts
16.9 Years
well thanks for the compliment but i disagree with your critisism. i think it was very good worth like a 7 or 8/10! i thinks it was pretty good and easy to follow, so i think it was pretty good!!!!
~*~*~ Yes I am a Charmed Fan ~*~*~
of
Prue Piper Pheobe and Paige
The Halliwell Manor Where Demons Die!!!

Go Piper!!!


"The Power of Three Will Set Us Free......"
"Power of the witches rise course unseen across the skies come to us who call you near come to us and settle here!!!"

Bishies
Piper Halliwell// Leo Wyatt
Age 34
Female
Fargo, ND
Seen October 18th, 2013
Posted March 9th, 2010
893 posts
17.8 Years
You're also the same person who wrote it. You wouldn't have posted it if you didn't think it was good. I agree with ~Ozy~, however. It was rather choppy and lacked a basic, decent flow. It was, however, very sincere. That was good to see. But you need to focus on how things flow. My favorite poems tend to have a rather song-like flow. When I read a poem, a like to hear a randomized, unique melody float through my head.

Who's that returning from the depths of forum ghosts past? Oh! It's me!

One Charmed Dude

♥~*~♥Charmed One♥~*~♥

Age 29
The Charmed Manor, in San Frasisco
Seen August 15th, 2013
Posted May 23rd, 2008
105 posts
16.9 Years
the way i write poems is to type them and then kind of check them by singing tthem a few times. if it seems it flows smoothly then i post it, if not i edit it or rewrite it until i find it good enough to be posted. i guess it's all a matter of opinion not necessaraly mine lol. it doesn't really bother me much for opinions on my poem, even if i disagree.... but hey at least i got a little feed back thanks anyway!!!
~*~*~ Yes I am a Charmed Fan ~*~*~
of
Prue Piper Pheobe and Paige
The Halliwell Manor Where Demons Die!!!

Go Piper!!!


"The Power of Three Will Set Us Free......"
"Power of the witches rise course unseen across the skies come to us who call you near come to us and settle here!!!"

Bishies
Piper Halliwell// Leo Wyatt