The Tide is High

Started by ProtrainerEon July 8th, 2006 5:56 AM
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  • 2 replies
Seen June 11th, 2021
Posted August 6th, 2010
322 posts
16.9 Years
Prologue - The Current Situation

Xander could hardly believe what he saw. This could never happen, because luck had given him the permanent cold shoulder ever since Kyogre made its appearance and conjured a hurricaine! The seperation from his family was a constant reminder that he was all alone. Alone on an uncharted island. Alone, with his sister's pet Teddiursa.

Pooh, she had called him, thinking of her favorite show Whinnie The Pooh. His five-year-old sister used to be a nusciance, but now seeing her would be a blessing. Xander rubbed his eyes, struggling to keep his tired limbs from giving out.

It all began with the recent resurfacing of the ancient Kyogre. Brendan, all of Hoenn thought, had fixed all that in Sootopolis, by waking Rayquaza. Now, nobody was certain of anything they saw or heard.
Xander’s mind flooded with thoughts of recent events, and what had happened to bring him here…

"Richard!" The pouring rain drowned out his mother's calls. "RICHARD?"

No answer. Xander's knees buckled. His father was probably dead before he hit the water. Attempting to stop the sudden destructive battle between the two ancient beasts, Xander's father had flown into the middle of the action with his Flygon. Having just appeared to battle, Groudon immediately struck Flygon with slash, not intending to have this fight interrupted. The dragon, along with Richard, had plunged into the now murky depths of Sootopolis.

"FATHER!" Xander yelled into the harsh wind. Just as that came out of Xander's mouth, his father's head broke the surface of the water. He brimmed with excitement, and foolishly dove into the water, hoping his ten-year-old body could take the force of the current.

He was jerked around in the sea, his frail muscles too weak for this sort of situation. His clothing was instantly drenched with water.
"Son don't," his mother pleaded, but Xander could not go back now. Heck, he couldn't do anything the way he saw it. His stupid actions had gotten him into this mess, and they certainly weren't going to get him out of it now. He could hardly control his body, as he was yanked around in the forceful waters of Sootopolis.

Finally, inevitably, damp coal black hair and all, he went under. Several bubbles rose in the water, then nothing. Xander took the opportunity of grabbing a panicking Gyrados' fin, and held on tight as he traveled, underwater, to who knows where? His hand slipped away as he lost conciousness. Fate would do what it saw fit with him now...

He awoke with Pooh on his face, and sat up, yanking the bear away. That is how he got stuck on this island alone, except for his two Pokemon Tropius (child), and Torchic. (Not counting Pooh)
The feelings Xander had when he awoke come rushing back to him. He remembered this bit of the horrifying moment and nothing more:

“Mom?” Xander asked out loud, as he pulled Pooh away from him grumpily. He gasped in shock when what he saw was a beach, and not the walls of the Sootopolis Pokemon center, as he would’ve expected. Torchic and Tropius attempted to calm him down with a sympathetic nudge to stand. Instead, Xander fainted. What happened afterwards was almost all a blur. Xander could recall building the shelter he made, and resting within it for a while, and when he exited the shelter is when he saw the Pokemon.

It had been about a week now, and if it weren't for the constant regrowth of bananas on Tropius' neck, and Teddiursa's ability to catch Magikarp, and an occasional Goldeen, he would've died. He had no clue at all where he was, and Torchic's ember attack was a constant source of warmth for him when he started fires. The only real 'inventory' he had was a blanket, pocket knife, his Pokeballs, one full heal, and a very long rope. He had no real skills, so these items were almost useless the way he saw it.

Now, what exactly would his fate be? As Xander was wondering this, he caught sight of it. A baby Lugia had fallen from the sky. How had it traveled so far?

"Hey Torchic! Guys look," urged Xander, pointing to the Lugia. Just then, the Lugia's head moved, and it looked up at him.

Xander froze. He wondered whether or not this Lugia offspring was angry at him, and wasn't about to test that by getting closer. Pooh, however, continued to walk toward the Lugia.

"Pooh get back here," Xander seethed through clenched teeth. The stubborn bear ignored him and stretched an arm out to touch the Pokemon. "Pooh!"

The baby Lugia flapped its wings, and took it upon itself to find shelter, flying over to Xander's shelter he made (He knows how to make glass. His father showed him once, so Torchic helped him create shelter from the sand) about fifteen minutes after he woke up on the island.

"Well, uh, I guess you can stay here..." Xander whispered, seeing as the Lugia acted oblivious to him. Cautiously, he began to get closer to the Lugia yet again. It glowered at him, causing him to back away in fear, and settled down within Xander's shelter.

Finally giving in to the fact that he could not make peace with this grumpy Pokemon, Xander decided to explore the island. Pooh was now terrified of Lugia because of the sudden wing flapping when he attempted to meet it, and hurried over to Xander to follow him into the forest. Torchic and Tropius, having roamed the island freely until called to see Lugia, followed as well.

Xander had only traveled about twenty yards around the circumference of the area, and all he saw was salty ocean water. Then, as Pooh looked over at him, he remembered the day he was found...

Vivian was running around in the field with Xander, lush grass underneath their feet and small Birch trees scattered here and there, and suddenly they heard a roar. Looking to their right, the direction of the massive forest in Petalburg, they saw two Ursaring struggling to stand as they limped up the hill away from three women. The word 'Kyogre' knitted into their clothing showed that they were from Team Aqua. What clarified this further was when they began talking about 'land beasts being useless and water ruling over all'.

Their Teddiursa was running ahead of them, looking for a hiding space. One of the Ursaring fell, while the other grudgingly followed their child. As Vivian, Xander's sister, moved her curly blonde hair out of her face, and tried to help, Xander reached out. Pulling her back, he asked the women to stop hurting the Ursaring. Ignoring him, they trapped the fallen one in a net and dragged it off. By the time Vivian and Xander brought help, they had left. The Teddiursa and its mother were safe, though. The investigations that followed only conjured up four facts; Teddiursa and its parents were the only beings of their kind in Hoenn, The three women had fled the region, and Team Aqua had dropped the Ursaring off in the Orre region to be transformed into a shadow Pokemon. The ‘Cipher’ organization had retrieved Ursaring and went into hiding.

For the following week, his family cared for the injured mother and her child. Norman personally came to help nurse the mother back to help with his super potion. Teddiursa was okay, with no visible injuries. Grateful, the mother Ursaring did not attack her helpers as she normally would have done to stranger humans, but stayed in Petalburg, resting each day in the field with her kid.

On the weekend, Xander had come to visit the two of them and found Ursaring teaching her child slash. This was effective for any body of water, even large ones, when it came to knocking fish Pokemon out of the water. After several tries, Teddiursa got it.

The very next day, the mother bear passed away. Her injuries were too much for her, and could not heal fast enough. She apparently lost too much blood, and died. That is when Vivian adopted Teddiursa and named him Pooh. Pooh occasionally helped around the house, bringing honey from the forest for dinner, and learning to fold clothes.

Xander was surprised, since he thought Teddiursa were only good house pets and battlers, not helpers. This proved that theory wrong.

The very next night is when Kyogre and Groudon appeared. The family had gone on a trip to Sootopolis, and got caught in the middle of the chaotic event. When the family realized what they had walked in to, it was too late. There was a forceful storm in the skies that reached all the way to Johto. Flying back to Petalburg was a complete impossibility.

Xander's thoughts were cut short when a coconut hit him on the head. "What could-" he began, rubbing his head, and another coconut hitting him stopped him in mid-sentence. "Ow!"

"Torchic tor!" his starter pokemon cried out, pointing with a talon up at a tree. Two Aipom were throwing coconuts!

Xander gritted his teeth in anger when he spotted them. He instantly knew these Aipom were naughty troublemakers, and he wasn't about to be made a fool of by two small Pokemon.

"Tropius, gust!" Xander ordered. Tropius hesitated, but when told to attack a second time by Xander, knocked the Aipom out of the tree with a burst of wind. Then they continued on, the Aipom rendered unconcious from the unexpected greeting with rocks in the sand.

About five minutes into the walk, Xander caught site of another Pokemon. He squinted through some bushes, and saw five Corphish attacking a helpless Tailow.

"Leave that Pokemon alone," he ordered, revealing himself along with his Pokemon team. Tropius snorted, showing it voted for 'leave the bird alone' as well. The Corphish were about to protest, when Lugia flew down in front of them. Nodding simultaneously, the Corphish all scurried away from the scene.

"Thanks..." Xander started to say, but Lugia shot him a rude look and began talking to Tailow. Then, the two birds flew at a low height, away from Xander and his team of Pokemon. Tropius sighed along with Xander. Torchic and Pooh were making faces at Lugia for being so mean without an explanation.

Xander said, "Don't do that you guys," picking them both up and continuing to travel around the island.

Tropius turned and followed his ten year old trainer, feeling better now that Tailow was safe. Tropius was the voice of reason among the group. A sort of parental figure when his friends fought. Pooh, however, was an adventurous little creature who rarely listened. At least, to anyone except Vivian.

Next, there was Torchic. Xander's Torchic was shy, yet alert 99% percent of the time. The other 1% consisted of sleeping quietly. Right now, Torchic was busy scanning the area for more Aipom.

Tropius, even young, was 5 feet high and well built. In battle, Tropius was intelligent and swift, even though its only attacks were Gust, Razor Leaf, and Headbutt.

So, lastly there's Xander, the rash ten year old who is very tall for his age. In spite of this, he always felt small back home. But that's irrelevent right now. Xander is stuck wearing this outfit. Jeans with his pokedex attached, a belt holding pokeballs with Charizard drawn all over it for the design. He has on a white T-shirt with the Pokemon logo on it, and a stylish blue vest.

After walking around the whole circumference of the island, Xander knew these things. The island was quite large, and warm on his side, but over in the mountainous area it was just above cool, yet not very warm either. Bagon lived in a widespread area of the island with a rough landscape and lots of moss. There were five Aipom on the island, and a pair of Torkoal that lived among the group of Bagon.

The forest-covered part of the island was densely populated with Dustox, Slakoth, Seedot, and their evolutions and lower evolved forms. While the center of the island had not been explored yet, Xander was sure stronger Pokemon, and berries resided there. This also must be where Tailow lived with its parents, he figured.

Once he returned to the spot he had washed ashore, he drew a map of the island in the sand. A pretty bad sketch, but hey! He couldn't draw very well without actual paper.

Next, he began piling big rocks next to each other until he spelled "HELP" in the sand. Torchic and Pooh were reigniting the fire while Tropius handed out bananas.

Then Tropius walked over to Lugia and Tailow. Lugia scowled, not wanting to be bothered, but when given a banana to share with Tailow, it chirped a melodic tone that seemed to say "Thanks". After that, Lugia wrapped its wings around Tropius' neck in a sort of hug, then winced, moving away.

Tropius noticed something, but decided not to worry Xander until tommorow. He knew his friends would all freak out if they knew. Handing out the coconuts the group had gathered while searching, he sat in the sand and feasted on a banana. Lugia, surprisingly, brought Tailow and joined the group.


Tailow's story was that she was born here on the island, but one day her parents had to leave, and have not been back for about a month. Pooh grudlingly agreed not to try to tell Xander, and everyone got inside the glass shelter to get some sleep. Lugia refused to tell how it arrived here for the moment. Everyone could respect that, but still wanted to know. As soon as everyone got to sleep, a shady figure approached...
ProtrainerEon

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PC Cousin: Hayate
PC Brother: Banov

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Well, in terms of spelling and grammar you fic is doing okay, but there's still plenty of room for improvement.

First off, that chapter is terribly short for an introduction. Your opening chapter should be one in which both the setting and the main character are introduced and first impressions are important so don't rush through them. It should be at least a couple of pages on your average word program (Microsoft Word etc.), and most are longer.

Okay, so the main character's name is Xander and - judging by the post - he's ten years old and he's got black hair and a dad called Richard. Nyah, it's a start I guess, but I still don't know what he's wearing, what he's like as a person (Other than reckless and/or stupid enough to jump into the currents in the first place) and what his pokémon are like (If they're all mindless drones whose existence revolves around obeying orders seamlessly and repeating their own names then that's not much to look forward to). Also, the whole background had a bit of a rushed feel to it and despite his situation I can't really say I've developed much sympathy - or any other feelings for that matter - towards your character. (I'm actually more concerned about the poor Magikarps he's hunting) Try to take it a bit slower and go into more detail about his past. You can start out slow but try to build on it as you go.

Also...he's been stuck on the island for a whole week and hasn't accomplished anything (Or even explored the friggen' place)? Guess not since there's no mention of it here. Yeh, it would seem more appealing to me if your story started out right after he gets washed ashore rather than a week later (You know, those delicious feelings of despair and panic at realizing what has happened, various moments of learning how to survive on his own and the difficulties and mistakes involved etc.) Because living on bananas and fish...well, let's just say that a 10-year old kid who's spent his whole life in civilization wouldn't just settle for living on that stuff for a week without at least trying to find some alternative food sources. And where does he sleep (He'd freeze out on the shore) or get wood or water? He can't drink from the sea, ya' know, nor could a Teddiursa have such an easy time catching fish from there (Bears are specialized in catching fish from rivers, not was expanses of water like the sea, and a pampered little pet Teddiursa would not have had a nice Ursaring teach him how to fish in the first place, so please explain where this sudden skill came from too.). And the baby Lugia...what, just like that you throw in a young legendary? Excuse me, but there hasn't been any real present-day action until this point (Just a bunch of past tense explanations) and I, as a reader, don't have any picture of where Xander is, and then suddenly the baby of a legendary pokémon who hasn't even been known to breed and isn't even native to Hoenn suddenly pops out from the sky? I'm sorry, but that seems like a terribly rushed ending for an opening chapter and didn't really leave me with any enthusiaism about what's to follow. Try building up your initial setting step-by-step rather than just slapping together a summary of the past and then heading straight on to the dramatic (Well, more like random) finish of the chapter in a rush to move onward, that kind of writing is rather off-putting and doesn't really keep the reader's interest.

I'd also like to point out that your enivronment descriptions are severly lacking. What is the island like? Is it small or large? Flat or mountainous? Barren or lush? What's the vegetation like? What's the climate like? Could that be any indication of how far he is from home? Has Xander even been around enough to know for sure that it is an island? Aren't there any wild pokémon about (Appart from random baby Lugias who enjoy falling from the sky)? The environment is crucial for building up the mood, and all the description you have deigned to give is that it's an island with a beach. That's not very informative, is it? You really need to expand on that, the nature tends to be crucial for 'stranded on an island' type settings, as you will surely find if you check some litterature of the genre. (Lord of the Flies is a very good example, although you might not need to go quite that far)

Finally, notations like *FLASHBACK* are terrible in writing. Don't use them, ever. Allude to it being the past in some other way like "The memories of that day were still clear in his mind..." (Or preferably something more creative. xP) instead, and avoid bracket notations (The one about Pooh on his face was the worst. <<) as they disrupt the mood and make your writing look rushed.

Overall, take your time and think things out. Not only that, convey them to your readers too. You might have a perfect picture of the whole setting all in your mind but if you don't transfer it into words no-one else will be able to enjoy it. This is not the worst fanfic I've seen around here, but it's also far from the best.
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Margot

some things are that simple

they/he
Seen April 16th, 2022
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,662 posts
17.3 Years
Well, to be honest the whole island scene was kind of dull since not much was going on and it could use a bit more description.

So, lastly there's Xander, the rash ten year old who is very tall for his age. In spite of this, he always felt small back home. But that's irrelevent right now
Ok, if it's not relevant why add it to the story? You could have added more about his height since you were explaning his features. Also you could give an example on why he always felt small at home.

But that's irrelevent right now.
You shouldn't start a sentence with But, if you do that there's a good chance a comma would have worked better. Also don't put that sentence there, it looks akaward and is alsonot relevant.

Good luck on the next chapter though *is curious about the shady figure*^^