The Brown Espion

Started by Sumshine 904 July 8th, 2006 7:41 PM
  • 637 views
  • 4 replies
Florida
Seen February 15th, 2010
Posted February 14th, 2010
55 posts
16.9 Years
Okay, this is my first Pokemon fanfic so don't be all like, "Oh, it sucks, newbie! I hope this thread dies and gets closed!" or anything like that, I can't take it. :nervous:

~*Chapter One*~

A young girl about eleven was in her house staring out an open window. The breeze from the wind was blowing through her thick brown hair. Her eyes were closed, focussing on a flash back.

The girl was thinking of a boy with black hair and deep brown eyes. The boy and her were sitting under a shady tree on a hill top.

"Ash, you don't look so happy, why?"

"Me? Oh, it's nothing, really."

"I guess if you say so... So what'ya wanna do today?"

Ash looked down, his hat hiding his tear filled eyes.

"Um, Summer, I'm not really in the mood to do anything today. Sor..."

Ash started to snivel and a tear came falling down from under his hat.

"Ash, are you crying? What's wrong?" Summer started to put her hand on Ash's shoulder, but Ash turned away and quickly wiped his tears away.

"I... I'm fine, I think I got dirt in my eyes. Um, I think I should go home, see ya Summer..." Ash got up and walked away.

"Okay, see you tomarrow then," Summer said, concerned.

"Yeah, tomarrow..."

The next mourning, Summer happily ran to Ash's house and knocked on the door. It was Delia who opened the door. Summer would usually find her happy and filled with joy, but today, she seemed very troubled and sad. Summer thought it best not to ask what was wrong and simply asked as cheerfully as she could, "Is Ash home?"

Delia's sad filled face got even more saddened. "Didn't Ash tell you he was leaving?"

Summer's happy filled face turned into a shocked frown. "No, he didn't. Where's he going?"

"Espi!"

Summer quickly opened her eyes and saw a pink Espion looking up at her. The Espion leaped up on her lap and gave a small lick on her face as a hello.

~*End Chapter One*~

Remember, this is my first Pokemon fanfic so don't be mean if you're gonna reply! :embarrass




Age 32
Seen August 9th, 2006
Posted August 9th, 2006
20 posts
16.9 Years
I believe that you spelled 'Espeon' wrong. But I hope that I am not too harsh with this because I am just trying to give you advice. As for now, you lack a bit of descriptions and I was confused at first because of your lack of visual descriptions. I wanted to know more about Summer rather than her hair or what's she doing besides reminiscing about Ash. Perhaps a little bit of action should do fine. The chapter length is quite short and perhaps putting a bit more effort shall help you. Also, there a bit of spelling mistakes. Maybe typing your stories in a word processor will help, and when you're finished, just a simple copy and paste will get your story posted. But I believe you can improve a little bit more.
Florida
Seen February 15th, 2010
Posted February 14th, 2010
55 posts
16.9 Years
I believe that you spelled 'Espeon' wrong. But I hope that I am not too harsh with this because I am just trying to give you advice. As for now, you lack a bit of descriptions and I was confused at first because of your lack of visual descriptions. I wanted to know more about Summer rather than her hair or what's she doing besides reminiscing about Ash. Perhaps a little bit of action should do fine. The chapter length is quite short and perhaps putting a bit more effort shall help you. Also, there a bit of spelling mistakes. Maybe typing your stories in a word processor will help, and when you're finished, just a simple copy and paste will get your story posted. But I believe you can improve a little bit more.
Oops! I didn't know I spelled Espeon wrong! ^_^' I admit, I lack loads of description. I was trying to be a bit secretive, instead I made it short and confusing. 0_0' But I plan to make the story more exciting later... I hope, anyway. -_-' And I have to work on the spelling mistakes. *laughs nervously* And you weren't harsh, thanks for the advice. I'm gonna try and work on the second chapter more so it's 1) longer and 2) more descriptive. So... I hope you enjoy the next part when I make it! ^_^ =D

^____^
i kinda liked it
Thanks! I hope that you'll enjoy part two when I make it!




Margot

some things are that simple

they/he
Seen April 16th, 2022
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,662 posts
17.3 Years
I agree with Yuki N. You were lacking description during the dialouge and some setting details would have been nice as well^^ If you would have added that it would have made the story a bit longer.

It is your first fic and some people start out a bit rocky and with improvement your story can be really good =D

Good luck with the next chapter^^