What went wrong: The main thing I noticed was the rhythm. It was jerky and consistantly pulled me out of the poem, making it harder for the reader to focus on the meaning and emotion of the piece. Also, the shift in the latter half of the third stanza is a trifle abrupt, again, taking the reader to a place of observation instead of connection. Finally, there were several typos. While not a huge problem, something to watch yourself on.
What went right: You show a greater focus on using emotion and image to convey meaning than the majority of what I read here. that is very much commendable. Also, you keep yourself from whining about a topic where it would be easy to fall into that trap.The general tone is (as I see it), questioning instead of depressing. Your word choice is also a cut above much of what I've looked at and you avoid meaningless repitition. This poem also shows several rudimentary motifs. Congratulations on that! Also, congratulation on having the first "What went right" section that's longer than my "What went wrong" section on any of my reviews. :P
How to improve: Okay, you have a good working model here. I'd say that you can keep the basic structure without making too many changes. Focus on either tightening or loosening the rhythm (whichever way you want to make it go) to make it more consistant. Also, maybe do a few edits, change words here and there as well as catch some basic mechanics stuff. Finally, possibly add one line to the third stanza as a transitionary piece.
Overall score: 7/10
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.
"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.