Poetry

Started by Sakura~ July 12th, 2006 6:53 PM
  • 488 views
  • 5 replies
Female
clouds
Seen April 17th, 2011
Posted December 18th, 2006
58 posts
16.9 Years
Ooph. I'm not very good with poems, so constructive criticism is definitely welcomed. Help me if you can! @^.^@




Per chance I saw, one day that I
if I were to write, I'd sure defy
the laws of stanza, meter, beat
- things that make my words complete.

But just this once I thought I'd try,
me, a dabbler, three skills too shy
a concept new to see and learn
a talent I had always yearned

Who can naught but clear understand
the glassy touch of words' demand
has true an eye which one beholds
past mist and fog, a poetic mold.

alt. account of Lily

~Ozy~

PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic

Age 34
White Sword Tower
Seen June 12th, 2012
Posted December 1st, 2006
5,246 posts
19 Years
What went wrong: I don't really have much to say here. I really liked the piece in question. What I do have to say is that it seems barely incomplete, like there was one final thought you wanted to get in but didn't quite manage to convey. The other thing being, your final couplet felt the tiniest bit awkward.

What went right: Your rhythm and rhyme were all but impeccable, and that was enjoayble to see (Pointless side note from the critic: I'm sick of seeing poorly rhymed poems for the sake of having a rhyme scheme). Also, I liked the source material. You're being playful and light with your work instead of trying to consistantly conjure the heaviest of emotions from the reader. This poem appeals to the lighter side of things. Good job. Also, your use of enjambment was well done and actually served to increase the reader's interaction with the poem.

How to improve: Maybe revise a few times to see if you can't make that last couplet a little less unwieldy? Also, maybe think about the completion thing... Or not, I could just be crazy.

Overall score: 9/10. Exemplary work!
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.


"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.
Female
clouds
Seen April 17th, 2011
Posted December 18th, 2006
58 posts
16.9 Years
I'm...so honored to be reviewed by PC's Unofficial Critic! O.O *bow*

Thank you for the advice! It's true that I even felt it to be incomplete, with some parts missing out...however, my impatience got the better of me so I inevitably winded up posting it earlier than planned. I'm too greedy for reviews. Ah, and I should really fix the last quatrain..it sounds weird now that I read it outloud. =0=;

Much thanks for the helpful comments, ~Ozy~! '___' <3

-Mikuru ♥
alt. account of Lily