What Went Wrong: To be frank, I'm not as impressed with this piece as I was with your first, at least from a solely technical standpoint. In terms of your structure, there's little variation from what I've already seen. Despite your comments about your work, it seems to me you have a lot of potential you're not making use of. Although your structure works and is enjoyable, there is a certain point where the reader would like to see more. Two other things, you show a talent for deeply personal work, try and extend that feeling to the reader as well. Also, expeand on your wordplay. I loved the phrase "missing pain." I'd like to see more of that, and I think you can do that without seeming heavy-handed.
What Went Right: Message. Wonderful message and a deeply personal piece of work. Despite my earlier comments, I am still impressed with your ability to make your rhythm and rhyme feel as natural as it does. That's no small feat. On the whole, your poetry is simply enjoyable to read.
How To Improve: Vary yourself. Definately try to break out of your current bok. Maybe write a villanelle? Or, just play around with language, experiment all you want. Show it to others. Some of it works, some doesn't. Be creative with your phrasing, your compaisons. I want to see more of everything from you, not more of the same thing. Maybe try rewriting this particular piece in a different format?
Mechanics: 5
Fluidity: 5
Poetic Devices: 3-4
Originality: 3. Your ideas are enjoyable and fresh, but your use of an old structure detracts from them.
Overall Score: 7
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.
"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.