What Went Wrong: Your rhyme and rhythm are horribly awkward. This is a perfect example of altering the poem to fit the imaginary strictures you have placed on it. This is best exemplified by line two in which you either leave a thought either incomplete or you make the wording awkward for the sake of your rhyming. Line two, though, is simply the most glaring example of this. Also, line six breaks the shakey rhythm you had and draws the reader out of the poem. Persona poems are also particularly tricky to make effective because of the limited means to allude to meaning instead of directly stating it. In an emotional form of expression, such as poetry allusion is always more effective.
What Went Right: Hmmm... I'm truly sorry, but there's little I can find here to truly like. I might agree with it ethically but that cannot interfere with my judgement as a critic.
How To Improve: Rewrite it entirely. Pick a different point of view, don't be so afraid to step outside your imagined stricture of rhyme and meter, utilize stronger images and DEFINATELY try to be less direct.
Mechanics: 4
Fluidity: 1
Poetic Devices: 1
Originality: 2-3
Overall Score: 2
Eternally devoted and wed to my darling pet, Nagoyaka Aikouka.
"Your Grace, all that you say is true. On the Trident, Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought honorably, Rhaegar fought nobly, and Rhaegar died.