Ehh...just as a general note, the font you're using is a wee bit straining for my eyes, any chance of changing it to the standard one or at least increase the size a bit? It's a bit of a pain to have to copy it into the reply window for reading (I tried the original and it started giving me a headache around the fourth paragraph -.-). Well, anyway...
[ part I of III ]
The Underground Department of Growing Thieves (better known as “
Underdog”) was a place that many people knew about but at the same time didn’t know about.
Nyah, try to avoid using parenthesis unless you've got some special effect you want to achieve by it. When you put those into the text they throw the reader off the story and can be serious moodbreakers, try to integrate that piece of information into the text in some less conspicious way. Also, the "many people knew about but at the same time didn't know about" is a paradox. I know what you're getting it, but in this form it's still a paradox. You should replace the second "know" with an expression which is similar but not identical to the first one, such as "a place that many people knew of but few knew anything about" (I.e. A lot of people know that it exists but no-one really has a clue about what it's like). Also, the "at the same time" is kind of redundant, so remove it, please.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
If you brought the subject up with a common one at a restaurant or bar, they wouldn’t be too keen on it. They’d know it had something to do with law enforcement or criminals, but a Department of Growing Thieves? Someone must have created the idea as a joke to start a wave of pointless fear.
Ho-hum, "common one" sounds kind of odd. o.O Unless you've got some grand master plan of hidden meaning behind that expression, replace it with something like "ordinary person" or "commoner". There's something else that seems a bit off about this paragraph, but I can't put my finger on what, so meh...never mind.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
At least, that was what the common folk thought of it.
Children would tell stories about it, as children often did, creating fables off the top of their heads
about how they had once been held against their will under the ground inside the depths of the facility. Their throats were poked with rifles and they were interrogated brutally on terms they did not know of, like, “
Where’s the treasure of Old Dusty Bones?” and
whatnot—all the nonsense that builds up in a child’s mind.
Nyah, the "as children often did" part needs to have something to refer to before it, so switch it around with the part about children telling stories about it. Also, 'about how' rather than 'that'. Also, mind your lexical choice. The 'whatnot' is a colloquialism which sticks out from the rest of the text. Try to save those kinds of expressions for dialogue unless you want them to stick out for a reason. Finally, the "where's the treasure of Old Dusty Bones?" bit should begin with a capital 'W' since it's the beginning of the quotation.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
Underdog, however, was more real than those of the world knew
it. It lay miles below the great city of Sootopolis, hidden skillfully under coral where only a growing thief would know how to get in. The corporation, once realization that their cover was being blown and their identity was becoming wider known, was not satisfied. Garshall Lennings, the leader of the whole Underground Department, was the most displeased of them all.
Nyah, the 'it' in the first sentence is redundant. Also, saying "the world" would imply that Underdog isn't a part of the world (Which is apparently incorrect since it's located beneath Sootopolis, which is part of the world) you should go with something like "than those in the topside world knew" (Substitute topside for a better expression if you can find one, I'm not at the height of my creativity right now. xP). Also, there seems to be a contradiction since you first state that Underdog is skillfully hidden and then say that their cover is being blown. Unless this "corporation" is some separate organization, although that would make little sense in this context, some kind of explanation along the lines of "but recently...[insert event implying a breach of secrecy here]" would be in order. In the way you are expressing yourself now, you're also implying that this "organization" is a living being capable of being unsatisfied, it should be something like "the leaders of the organization" and "were not satisfied".
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“How is
the word getting out so easily?”
he half
-shouted, half
-grumbled across the table at his second hand, Saliskis. The snake recoiled and whipped his tongue at the bang of Lenning’s fist on metal. He wisped his tail around in a gesture representing a shrug and stuttered quickly at the flash in his leader’s eyes, “I’m not c-c-c-certain, s…sir. Employeesss, though, have a s-suspect in mind, I pre…I presssume, er, sssir.”
When information in general is leaking out, word in general is getting out rather than any specific word, so there's no 'the' required. Also, "half shouted" and "half grumbled" need to be hiphonated and the 'he' in the first sentence shouldn't have a capital letter since it's not the first word in the sentence (The quote preceeds it).
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Who, must I ask, is this so-called ‘suspect’ you speak of, Saliskis?”
the stout creature drummed his stubby fingers on the dumpster bottom which served as the top of his desk. The viper shivered pusillanimously, most unlike his ominous patterns of black and violet and his pointed fangs of poisonous yellow.
Again, there's a needlessly capitalized letter in the first sentence. Also, the "most unlike his ominous patterns" bit is kind of weird since it would imply that Saliskis' patterns and fangs aren't shivering with the rest of him, which is kind of odd. Maybe you should replace that with something like "in a manner which was most unsuitable for his ominous patterns of black and violet...etc."
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Y…yesssssir.” The nervousness was building up in this coil of an animal. He sunk low, not continuing on with voice. Garshall peered over the edge of his desk at the simpering creature,
“What are you hiding about Fara, Saliskis?” he asked sternly.
Nyah, a simple matter of reorganization to get rid of the rather clumsy comma construction you had there.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
The dark snake took a breath to muster up his courage. “Ssshe became a teacher, sssir. A teacher at a non-thief ssssschool. Ssshe’s teaching ruddy little normal kidssss
who don’t know a thing about theft and…and sssshe’s ssssupossssedly let ssssslip newssss about Underdog, sssir.
'who' rather than 'that' when referring to people.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Hah.” Garshall sunk back into his spinning chair and did a spin on the spot
, “So, basically, Fara Kneed has betrayed us?”
Comma rather than full stop after "on the spot". Also, having 'spinning' and 'spin' that close together is pretty clumsy stylistically, try to find a synonym for 'spin' and use that instead.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Ssssome sssay that sssshe hassss told them all about
the work sssshe’sss done here…but of coursssse, they’ll all forget when they’re older…”
Nyah, it's either "her work" without the "she's done here" or "
the work she's done here" but you shouldn't mix the two.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
The name “Roso” bounced off the walls countless times, Saliskis shifting his eyes from side to side edgily. Garshall, however, disregarded his own voice coming back to him. He studied the palm of his hand he had taken notes on, flexing his stubby brown fingers. A voice came back, but not repeating perpetually down the halls. It came not from the intercom but from a speaker somewhere around Garshall’s desk. “I’m coming, sir.” It had uttered softly. Garshall responded
boringly, “Very good, thanks.”
Just to check, are you sure you didn't mean to say 'boredly', as in "in a bored kind of way"? 'Boringly' would mean that he's boring the others.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“You wanted to see me, sir?” She asked innocently as if she had done nothing wrong. She flashed a questioning look at Saliskis crimpled up in his chair
, although she seemed more worried about the seat
rather than the one occupying it.
Again, you've mixed up two separate expression. You can do something
rather than something else or you can care about something
more than something else, but you can't combine the two. Also, you could remove the awkward 'Though' beginning of the last sentence by changing it to "although" and changing the full stop to a comma.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“So, Delta.”
he began
, “Have you heard the rumors about Fara Kneed?”
You don't need a capital letter for 'he'. Also, comma rather than full stop since you're continuing the previous quote.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
Delta took a seat
carefully and looked
resentfully away from her leader’s skull helmet face. “Sorry, sir, but I’m not the one who really listens to gossip. I wouldn’t know any rumors.”
Two 'fully's close to each other. It's not downright wrong, but it sounds kind of repetitive, so I'd suggest looking for alternative ways of expression.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Ah, it doesn’t matter.” Garshall remarked
, “Being a gossip hoarder isn’t exactly healthy, but this is a rumor that my second hand just mentioned to me about Fara Kneed…that she ran away to go and teach
normal kids, and
that she spilled the beans about us.”
Comma rather than full stop after "Garshall remarked". A 'that' is also needed after the 'and' in the last sentence.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
The eyes behind the skull helmet flickered with both bafflement and a strange anger that Delta could not define. “On…on what terms?” Garshall asked weakly.
Just as a side-note, the '...' notation signifies a slow fade into speechlessness, for more abrupt things, interruptions, hasty changes and/or repetitions of words etc. (Kind of like the 'on on' thing here) you should go with the line-thingie that looks like a hiphon. E.g. "On-on what terms?"
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“As I
do recall, it was a ridiculous cause.” Delta giggled
, “Fara was in a whole flurry of anger. She had only walked in on him while he was, er…using the restroom.”
No 'do' required in the first sentence. Also, comma rather than full stop after "Delta giggled".
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
Garshall didn’t know if he should laugh or
if he should shout in anger. He seemed to do both. For his size, he created quite a booming, angry voice. “I guess we know the next one to be fired.”
he cackled, “And I’ll need a new second hand
, as well. You can take that position, Delta.”
The second "if he should" in the first sentence is redundant. Another typical way of expressing this would be "Grashall didn't know whether to laugh or shout in anger". Also, the 'h' in "He cackled" shouldn't be capital and there's a redundant comma after "new second hand". Incidentally, you have a bit off an odd lexical choice there since cackling is usually associated with glee, which doesn't seem to be a very logical emotion for Garshall here to be going through at the moment.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“But, sir…I…”
the bug regained her composure and straightened her collar
, “Sir, what did you call me for in the first place?”
No capital letter needed in "the bug" and the full stop after "her collar" should be a comma.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Ah! Yes, of course!” Garshall flipped his hand about and studied the smudged ink on his hand
, “As you know, Fara is supposedly giving out information and I don’t want our word spreading too far. Pretty soon the police may get involved. I know it’s only children and Kneed we’re dealing with, but children can make something that’s big to them even bigger to the police department, even if it’s something as trivial as them playing a video game rated over their age.” Garshall laughed at his own cruel humor
, “Write this down.”
he
remarked sharply and Delta scrounged in her handbag, taking out a pen. She flipped paper over on her clipboard and looked up for the information.
Comma rather than full stop after "on his hand" and "his own cruel humor" and no capital letter required after "Write this down". Also, the "sharply remarked" should be "remarked sharply", the reversed order is only really used in poetry nowadays.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Indeed, yes.” Garshall spun from side to side in his chair, his fingers folded
, “I want you to catch up with Salikis when you can and fire him. Here…”
he took a gold and black pen out of a filing cabinet with great dexterity
, “If he questions your authority, show him this. He knows very well that I only give important staff members my lucky pen. Just consider it a hall pass.”
Pretty much regular stuff, comma rather than full stop after "his fingers folded" and "with great dexterity" and no capital letter in "he took". Also, no hiphons in "from side to side".
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
“Vixar, Vixar, Vixar…”
he uttered under his breath as he straightened a few papers stacked on his desk
, “Wherever you are, you’d better come back and see me sometime.”
The 'he uttered' bit doesn't need a capital letter and the full stop after "on his desk" should be a comma.
Originally Posted by Spoony~chan
He brushed a few papers away and revealed to his eyes the front cover of a newspaper which held a magnificent picture of a shadow against the moon—the outline of svelte figure dashing across a clothesline with a bag of loot over his back and a trail of nine magnificent tails flooding out from behind him (along with the scatter of cash). Garshall glowed with pride at the headline:
[center]”White Flame” –Invincible!
”I really do miss you.”
he whispered
, “You’d better take up the job, you old mutt.”
Just a reminder about the parenthesis thing. Also, no capital letter in "he whispered". You are also missing the last half of the [Center] code there, so you might want to fix that. ^^
Aaaand that's about all the nits I managed to pick. Hope you're not feeling frustrated yet. xD Overall, the story seems interesting this far, and the characters certainly seem interesting enough. (Why do I get the feeling that Garshall isn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box? xD) I also like the fact that you didn't give away your game yet as it's a nice incentive to bring people (including me) back for the next chapter. Keep at it. ^^