kyo's adventure (PG)

Started by chrome_angel November 6th, 2006 2:39 PM
  • 880 views
  • 9 replies
Age 30
U.S.A
Seen July 6th, 2007
Posted July 6th, 2007
40 posts
16.5 Years
uh...this is like the first fan fic ive made so, yeah it might suck.

kyo stood whike the wend was blowing softly in the sunset. Aron jumped on his shoulder. "hey buddy ready to take the final test tomorrow"? "aron"! ( you bet!). kyo was restless, he couldnt wait until tomorrow to set off with his friends and be the greatest traners in history. tomorrow came by, kyo got ready and took off with without even eating. he arrived at training school and ran over to his friends. "kyo, you ready"? said samantha. "what kinda question was that"? samantha had black hair, frosty blue eyes, and she wore a black shirt that had a light blue skull wearing a crown ( kinda looked like the kingdom hearts crown). blue torn jeans and some blue k-swiss with a black rim on the bottom rim. "yeah, were gonna set off and be great trainers"! said jeff. jeff had jet black hair, short kid with green eyes green shirt, black jean shorts and green shoes. " kyo champion?" "yeah thats me" "your next" kyo walked torwards the arena. he got real nervous. " no, you cant punk out now kyo", he thoght to himself. his opponet was his teacher, mrs. kazura. " jeff, your my star pupil, dont dissapoint me". " oh trust me you wont" she threw out her pokemon which was a beautifly. "go aron" aron jumped off his shoulder and onto the battle stage. "begin battle" said the judge. "beautifly use takle." beautifly charged at aron. " aron, iron defense". beautifly hit aron but hurt its head on aron's steel body. "beautifly, shadow puch!" kyo had no idea beautifly could use shadow puch, was so shocked he couldnt make a move in time. beautifly hit aron badly. " follow up with gust" beautifly swarmed up a small tornado and aron got caught in it. it was looking badly for kyo. "now, end this with solarbeam" beautifly charged up. kyo was almost all out of options. "come on kyo think....i know! aron use mud-slap" aron kicked up some dirt and hit beautifly with very little damage but lost her sight. beautifly shot but missed aron badly. "end this with take down!" aron ramed beautifly full speed and knocked beautifly out. "beautifly is unable to battle, kyo wins. "that was a great battle kyo" "same here teach" next up was samantha. samantha high-fived kyo along the way to the arena. and sat near jeff. hours passes and they all passes the exam, they set off to be the best trainers the world has to offer.

well whdya think? ill make another one if its good
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Umm... can anyone say "Fix your grammar, lengthen your posts, break up your sentences a bit, and in general just improve the heck out of this story"? You need some major work here: 3 out of 10 on the ACC (Art Critic Cubone) scale of ultimate reviewing justice.

x x x x

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Yes. I'm a critic- my job is to tell you what I think, not to act nice. I could have been a lot worse, to tell the truth. If you want a suggestion, type your story on Microsoft Word, then copy and paste the text to the site- I did that for my fanfic, and the grammar turned out a heck of a lot better then it would have if I had just typed it.

x x x x

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Ah... in that case, all I can say is to pay attention in English Class, and to hope for the best. Good luck fixing your computer- oh, and even if you don't fix up your grammar, try to find some way to break up your sentences and make the fic a bit more readable.

x x x x

Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
A wonderful word of advice to reviewers. Don't just list of what the author did wrong. How about actually giving them advice they could use? Just saying that "your grammar is absoulte trite, use a word processor" doesn't really help much about the actual story.

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The first problem, chrome_angel, is the lack of paragraphs. On forums, it is nice to hit the Enter bar twice. It makes new paragraphs. The "tab" button doesn't work on the Internet. (And even when you do type on Word, hit the Enter button twice for paragraphs.)

Another problem is the lack of basic punctuation skills. You need full stops, exclamation points, question marks, the usual. These make your story much easier to read. Combine them with the Enter bar of paragraphing, and people will be more willing to read your story.

Don't forget about capital letters. Use the Shift key to get captial letters. Always capitalise names and the pronoun "I".

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As for the actual content of your story... You need some description. Like with the battle. Don't just say "Aron used Take Down". Describe how the Pokémon moved, how the attack hit. Describe the Pokémon as well. And the scenery. Description helps the reader envision what you see when you write your fic. I'm sure that you see everything as you are writing, so, transfer it to the paper!

jeff had jet black hair, short kid with green eyes green shirt, black jean shorts and green shoes.
Let's use Jeff as an example of how to describe people. Don't just list attributes. I'll show you how to mix description with action.

Jeff was a small child. His green eyes shone with excitement as he imagined his future journey. Soon, his green shoes would gain the dust of the road, and his black jean shorts will become fringed at the end. He smoothed out his green shirt. A slight wind blew his jet-balck hair around.
More interesting to read that, eh?

-

Basically that's some advice that I can give you. Just follow the basic ideas here, and you'll start to see improvement. Good luck to you!
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
A wonderful word of advice to reviewers. Don't just list of what the author did wrong. How about actually giving them advice they could use? Just saying that "your grammar is absoulte trite, use a word processor" doesn't really help much about the actual story.
Thanks for the advice, and I might have done that, except for the fact that the block format confused me so much that I couldn't even really get an impression of the fic. And I'm only just making the transition to a serious reviewer... thanks, I'll take your advice to heart. (By the way, I had no clue what 'trite' meant until you posted that...)

Incidentally, I do think that one serious bit of advice I can give here is to make sure that when you continue writing, ChromeAngel, you do not under any circumstances make your characters conform to stereotype OT standards. What do I mean by that? Well, here's a quick list of things you should avoid:

Always winning battles, even against much more powerful trainers: This one is huge. Show logic in battles- after all, to use an example given by Dragonfree, "A level three Caterpie isn't going to beat a level seventy Dragonite". (At least, I think that was the quote...)

Always being unfailingly heroic and pure of heart: To quote from the Bible, "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23). The basic message there is that no real person is perfect. The more your character acts perfect, the more unbelievable (and annoying) he becomes. Make sure to add flaws to your character- even if they're overused ones like pervertedness, or humorous ones, at least your character will seem more human.

Being dark for the sake of being dark: On the other side of the spectrum, creating a complete moral sinkhole isn't the best idea either, especially if they act all "emo". Only a select group of people can be emo, and all the rest of us have to deal with that, no matter how good we look in black.

Having a tragic past that does not unduly affect them: If your character was beaten or abused by their parents, their favorite sister died, or their dog/Poochyena was hit by a car on their fifth birthday, they are going to have emotional scars. Remember the emo people I was talking about before? These are them.

Being a "Chosen One": Umm... if a fic is set in the anime universe, this one is really stupid to implement, as Ash is already the chosen one... but on top of that making your character a chosen one is really dumb since you have just let your reader know that they will undoubtedly win, and to add to that most "chosen one" characters tend to have special abilities, which really add nothing to the story... except maybe a few negative numbers on the rating scale.

Since your story hasn't moved very far yet, you don't have a problem with these issues yet, but as you move on and explore the characters' personalities a bit, make sure that you avoid these characters. Oh, and by the way, if you want a better guide then mine, Dragonfree of "The Cave of Dragonflies" has an excellent one on her site.

A final note: If you move on, make absolultely certain that you do SOME character exploration... if you just move your character around without giving us any idea who he is, you'll make him flat, which is almost worse then stereotyping him.

x x x x

It's oh-so s e c r e t l e... ^.^
Seen July 17th, 2008
Posted July 2nd, 2008
266 posts
16.9 Years
Ugh. I want to critique this really badly. But if I gave you red text, the whole thing would be red. D: So here I go. This will be harsh, but like they say, you have to be cruel to be kind. Take it into account, and I'm sure your next chappie will be great!

Note: If you can't take constructive criticism, don't read on. :|

kyo stood whike the wend was blowing softly in the sunset. Aron jumped on his shoulder. "hey buddy ready to take the final test tomorrow"? "aron"! ( you bet!).
Alright. Note the lack of capital letters at the very beginning. You just got off to an awful start. Then, we are pummelled with a couple of typos 'whike' the 'wend' blew softly in the sunset. Just note that 'i' and 'e' are very far apart; was that even a typo? O__o;; There is a single sentence without any problems (although a little more description would be nice), and then a nice, long chunk of mistakes that I couldn't be bothered breaking up. When you start speech, the first letter should be a capital, even if it's something like, "This." If the speech is beginning, it's a capital. "You can do it," I said, "like this as well." If it's not the beginning of the sentence said in speech, it doesn't need another capital unless it is 'I' or someone's name. Also, "The punctuation mark should go inside the speech marks!"
"And when someone else starts to speak, you start a new line?"
"That's right."
I would also recommend not giving translations for pokéspeak; I myself find it very tiresome.

kyo was restless, he couldnt wait until tomorrow to set off with his friends and be the greatest traners in history. tomorrow came by, kyo got ready and took off with without even eating.
Yet again, poor Kyo is being deprived of his capital letters. Poor Kyo. D: Next, that comma should be a full stop. Don't ask why; just do it. >| 'Couldn't' is a contraction - when you shorten a word, you have to show where you took out the letter(s), eg, did not = didn't (I took out the 'o'); should not = shouldn't ('o' again); I am = I'm (took out the 'a'); I would = I'd (took out the 'woul' part). 'Trainers' is spelt incorrectly next.

Now, the next part ('Tomorrow came by') is VERY rushed. You could have explained more about how he went to bed excited and couldn't get to sleep, or something. Just so that the reader gets a sense of satisfaction and knows what's going on. That would also be a good place to put a new paragraph, since you're moving on to a new topic. Again, Kyo doesn't get a capital letter, and again, you're rushing things. Where did Kyo rush off to? Wasn't he hungry? Why didn't he say good bye? Does he have something against his parents or something? Not only is it illogical that a child would not say good bye to his/her parents, but the parents would be fussing over him/her as well, unless there had been a family argument. And if Kyo's not living at home or is living by himself, why don't I know about it? You need to explain things in more depth.

[Rest will be done later. My hands are aching. Make yourself useful and edit that last chappie before updating.]


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Seen June 11th, 2021
Posted August 6th, 2010
322 posts
16.9 Years
Quote:
A wonderful word of advice to reviewers. Don't just list of what the author did wrong. How about actually giving them advice they could use? Just saying that "your grammar is absoulte trite, use a word processor" doesn't really help much about the actual story.
Thanks for the advice, and I might have done that, except for the fact that the block format confused me so much that I couldn't even really get an impression of the fic. And I'm only just making the transition to a serious reviewer... thanks, I'll take your advice to heart. (By the way, I had no clue what 'trite' meant until you posted that...)
Heck, I didn't even know trite was a word. Bah!
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