In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Okay... overuse of foul language aside, this fic makes my blood boil for several reasons. For example, in the first chapter you used the word "figure" so often that I found it to be completely impossible to tell who was doing what to whom... and your grammar isn't just bad. It's terrible. Heck, I mean, it's barely readable! Jeez, I can't understand a thing. There are way too many examples of sentences that need to be split into two separate sentces in this fic that I can't even begin to cite them all. To top that off, Vincent must have some kind of uber-gun, as he was able to shoot multiple bullets from a hand-gun without reloading... due to Tyranitar's armor he would have had to take at least five shots to kill it, which is the most you could really place in a gun of that size as far as I know. And then he shot the rocket multiple times with the same gun without reloading? Let's be realistic here. Oh, and to top it off, your chapters are pretty danged short. A good rule of thumb for chapter length is to place it on a word processor- if it doesn't take up at least three pages, it is definitely too short to qualify as a chapter. That's my rule anyway. And let's see... while language is useful in stories, I find that people who write in a lot of pointless cursing tend to be really medicore writers. You can curse creatively, curse sparingly, or not curse at all, but you can't just go out and hurl around random obscenities- it makes you sound low-minded, not depressed and/or "dark". I know. I've met some of the creepiest psyche cases in America in my lifetime as an insane person. Let's see, what else can I get at you for? Several times you describe Sneasel as "hovering", yet Sneasel cannot fly or float as far as I know. Is this particular Sneasel some sort of floating psychic Sneasel, or is this just an overused verb? Now, to show a few examples of common grammar mistakes...

It was summer and yet it was colder then last winter which had been the coldest winter in 50 years with all of its blizzards and storms.
There. Do you see it? Right there in the first paragraph. You used the number 50 instead of the word "fifty". When writing in manuscript form, A.K.A. the form that people normally write in, you almost always write out the word instead of the number. Next error, please...

The man swore then returned Seviper to it poke ball and released a Tyranitar.
Two mistakes here- you need to insert a comma after "then" and change "it" to "its". Elsewhere in the fic, you need to change its to "it's". To figure out where, simply go over every mention of "its", and unless it pertains to something belonging to something else, add the apostrophe.

“ Well I don't think you'll be leaving any time soon”
No end mark. 'Nuff said.

“ Oh hang on I was wrong I have a Pokemon write here!”
Wrong word. "Right", not "Write". You have made mistakes like this throughout the fic.

In short, this fic needs major improvement. You need to change everything around, try to get inside of your character's heads, give Vincent a non-magical gun and an explanation as to why his Sneasel can speak mind-to-mind with him, and a name that isn't hocced from FFVII. I hate name-hocs, especially ones from games I happen to like. You are treading on sacred ground. Leave before I bonemerang you. Rating on the ACC scale of fanfiction uber-rating: four out of ten. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't get a one.

By the way, as an explanation as to why this review is so sharp, brutal, and pointed, it's because you have done something with this fic that is a pet peeve of mine- you've inserted completely pointless blood, violence, and profanity, and you've done it without explanation. No reason, no explanation, you didn't even pull it off poetically! People who want to write "dark" or "edgy" fanfiction should really wait until they have a little bit of experience, otherwise they'll come off sounding like a poser emo. I hate poser emos. Hate 'em. So yeah, that's my rant. Hope you like it, because I'm not changing my opinion until you improve your fic. Ciao.

x x x x

Seen January 9th, 2007
Posted January 9th, 2007
56 posts
16.5 Years
Okay... overuse of foul language aside, this fic makes my blood boil for several reasons. For example, in the first chapter you used the word "figure" so often that I found it to be completely impossible to tell who was doing what to whom... and your grammar isn't just bad. It's terrible. Heck, I mean, it's barely readable! Jeez, I can't understand a thing. There are way too many examples of sentences that need to be split into two separate sentces in this fic that I can't even begin to cite them all. To top that off, Vincent must have some kind of uber-gun, as he was able to shoot multiple bullets from a hand-gun without reloading... due to Tyranitar's armor he would have had to take at least five shots to kill it, which is the most you could really place in a gun of that size as far as I know. And then he shot the rocket multiple times with the same gun without reloading? Let's be realistic here. Oh, and to top it off, your chapters are pretty danged short. A good rule of thumb for chapter length is to place it on a word processor- if it doesn't take up at least three pages, it is definitely too short to qualify as a chapter. That's my rule anyway. And let's see... while language is useful in stories, I find that people who write in a lot of pointless cursing tend to be really medicore writers. You can curse creatively, curse sparingly, or not curse at all, but you can't just go out and hurl around random obscenities- it makes you sound low-minded, not depressed and/or "dark". I know. I've met some of the creepiest psyche cases in America in my lifetime as an insane person. Let's see, what else can I get at you for? Several times you describe Sneasel as "hovering", yet Sneasel cannot fly or float as far as I know. Is this particular Sneasel some sort of floating psychic Sneasel, or is this just an overused verb? Now, to show a few examples of common grammar mistakes...



There. Do you see it? Right there in the first paragraph. You used the number 50 instead of the word "fifty". When writing in manuscript form, A.K.A. the form that people normally write in, you almost always write out the word instead of the number. Next error, please...



Two mistakes here- you need to insert a comma after "then" and change "it" to "its". Elsewhere in the fic, you need to change its to "it's". To figure out where, simply go over every mention of "its", and unless it pertains to something belonging to something else, add the apostrophe.



No end mark. 'Nuff said.



Wrong word. "Right", not "Write". You have made mistakes like this throughout the fic.

In short, this fic needs major improvement. You need to change everything around, try to get inside of your character's heads, give Vincent a non-magical gun and an explanation as to why his Sneasel can speak mind-to-mind with him, and a name that isn't hocced from FFVII. I hate name-hocs, especially ones from games I happen to like. You are treading on sacred ground. Leave before I bonemerang you. Rating on the ACC scale of fanfiction uber-rating: four out of ten. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't get a one.

By the way, as an explanation as to why this review is so sharp, brutal, and pointed, it's because you have done something with this fic that is a pet peeve of mine- you've inserted completely pointless blood, violence, and profanity, and you've done it without explanation. No reason, no explanation, you didn't even pull it off poetically! People who want to write "dark" or "edgy" fanfiction should really wait until they have a little bit of experience, otherwise they'll come off sounding like a poser emo. I hate poser emos. Hate 'em. So yeah, that's my rant. Hope you like it, because I'm not changing my opinion until you improve your fic. Ciao.
Ok firstly ill just thank you for the sharp and brutal review that has hurt many a newbs before. I already said that my Grammar was bad aswell. Secondly the pistol thing a automatic pistol can hold 15 bullets 20 at max. 5 bullets for the Tyranitar then sevral for the rocket. ALot of the stuff that was said eg; the mind talking thing and hovering sneasel are explained in the coming chapters. But look like im not going to do that now seeing as my Fic so bad im just going to cpmplealty rewrite the darn thing though it will probably still have the rubbish gramma and word mistakes becuase of how bad I am at any form of english writing, I have the ideas just cant put them on paper. So This Fic is Down for Reconstruction.