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Old February 11th, 2007 (1:47 PM).
MollyHaleIsMyFriend's Avatar
MollyHaleIsMyFriend MollyHaleIsMyFriend is offline
     
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    Ash And Molly Are Eating Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches In The Park In Celadon City

    Richie Comes

    Richie And Ash Shake Hands

    Richie And Ash Petition For The Celadon City Lake To Get Filled Up With Water.

    "The Lake Might Soon Have Water" Said Molly

    "I Sure Hope So" Said Ash

    Molly Is Sitting On The Bench Near The Lake

    Ash Joins Her

    "Your Are A New Firend, Molly; We Have To Work Together" Said Ash

    "You're Right, Ash" Said Molly

    Molly Hugs Ash

    "Let's Solve This Mystery Together" Said Richie

    Ash Calls On His Pokemon

    So Do Misty, Brock And Richie

    Ash, Misty, Brock, Richie, Molly, Max, Tracey And May And Their Pokemon Are On The Case Of The Lake Water

    "We're Ready To Rock" Said Ash

    "8 Working Together To Fight Evil" Said Brock

    "And Stop Team Rocket" Said Richie

    "And Their Pokemon" Said Tracey

    "From Destroying Our Planet Earth" Said Max

    "And Ruling The Universe With Evil" Said Misty

    "And Spoiling Our Plans" Said Molly

    "And Stealing Our Pokemon" Said May

    "We're Not Backing Down, Team Rocket" Said Ash

    "We Are" Said Ash

    "Ash And Friends" Said All 8 Kids

    Team Rocket Drinks All the Water In Celadon Lake With Big Straws With Their Pokemon Helping Them

    All The Electric Pokemon And Other Electric Pokemon With The 8 Pokemon Shcok Team Rocket So Much A Fire Erupts And Officer Jenny COmes And The Fire Dept.

    They Put Out The Fire

    [The SKy Turns Black With Thunder]

    The 8 Kids Ride Home In A Van

    Ash Gives Misty A Check For $1,000 For Thr Broken Bike

    "Thanks, Ash" Said Misty

    "I Am Proud Of All 8 Of You" Said Professor Oak

    "You Caught A Lot More Pokemon. Ash" Said Professor Oak

    Ash Is Up To 300 Pokemon

    (All 8 Kids Will Stay On The Team In My Stories From Now On)
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      #2    
    Old February 11th, 2007 (2:08 PM).
    Yami Rui's Avatar
    Yami Rui Yami Rui is offline
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      Please read Link oh and
      This


      No description into the characters looks, no proper paragraphing, "Said" is not a word you repeatley stick with, {shouted, gasped etc.} are more examples of what you can say after a character is speaking.

      No explaining why they decided to solve this mystery, it makes no sense that the lake is empty in the first place and currently Max, May and Molly aren't even in Kanto.

      Go read the links, go put some thought into your chapters, don't rush out this tacky work and improve!
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