Pokemon...AGAIN!

Started by SuperDeoxys April 7th, 2007 4:14 AM
  • 1346 views
  • 11 replies
Age 36
At the back of you! *Ahh!*
Seen January 20th, 2010
Posted January 22nd, 2008
116 posts
16.3 Years
Pokemon Again!


Welcome, To Pokemon Again! Pokemon Again is a story about Ash, After the last episode of Pokemon. Then you have specials.

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Chapter 1 This day isn't so bad
After defeting the most strongest trainer, Ash, Got to be in the records book.Ash was very Famous when he hit 15.

Free Weeks Later
It was the day when Ash got to be up stage, He was very nervous.
" Thank you everyone for you're support, I really like to thanks my friends, Misty, Brock, Tracey, May, Max, Dawn, Jimmy and Sarah". The crowed claped in happiness. Ash grew up and met the one he liked.

15 Years later..
*Alarm sounds go on* "Ok ok I'm up" Yawned Andrew. " Get up quickly dear or you'll miss dinner!" said Misty. " Ok ok I'm coming down" said Andrew. "And don't forget to brush you're teeth son!" said Ash. *Brushing sound". "Coming!" Said Andrew.
Andrew runs down stairs quickly. "Don't you want to have breakfest?" said Misty. " No thanks mum" said Andrew. "Kids, they never learn" said Misty while shaking her head slowly. "I'm leaving too! said Ash. "Why?, Training doesn't start until 11:00!" Said Misty. "Well, Today we have over 500 Customers! said Ash. " Ok, be carefull!" said Misty. Ash rushes out the door, While Amy pass by."Hey Amy! said Misty, "Oh hi Mrs Ketchem" said Amy, "Aren't you going to school today?" said Misty, "That, um....gotta run!" said Amy. "Wait wait!, help me with my.....dishes. said Misty.

"Ok class, Today were going to learn about Pokeballs." said The Teacher. "Miss! I need to go to the Toilet!" said Nowel. "Is this anothor break out?" said The Teacher. "No miss" said Nowel. "Take someone with you just incase" said The Teacher. "Hey Andrew!" Said nowel. "Huh?" said Andrew. "Take me quick I really need to go!" said Nowel. "Ok, ok, (Another of you're break outs)" said Andrew. Andrew and Nowel walks out of the door, While something was following them. "Um Nowel" said Andrew. "I know I know, You're saying if I'm breaking out, And I am" said Nowel. "No, I think someone is following us!" said Andrew. Andrew and Nowel turns around, "Ahhhhhhh! shouted both of thhem while running!, Until they reached the Pokemon Centre.

"Um, Where are we?" said Nowel. "Where in the Pokemon Centre" said Andrew. " Shouldn't you guys be at school?" said Nurse Joy. "We were going to the toilet..." said Nowel. "Then this Ghost thing appeard!" said Andrew. "Ok, I'll call Officer Jenny Immedienly!" said Nurse Joy. "What's the Problem here? said Officer Jenny. "They have apperently saw another ghost Pokemon" said Nurse Joy. "What kind?" said Officer Jenny. " Check our list of ghost pokemons" said Nurse Joy. "Ok, Um...Let's see...Not this, not this, not this, Uh ha! this one!" said Andrew. " Oh no!" said Nurse Joy, "Call their Parents Immedently!" said Officer Jenny. "Ash and Misty! Remember 15 years ago? The darkness!, It's coming back! said Nurse Joy. "What?" said Ash and Misty.....
To be Continued!


------Recent Shinies

Mareep
Lv 30
Wild in FR and LG
Calm nature
Fire Red
Up for trade


Break this code to win a Pokemon:
Oyu ear os onwrdeulfl ot em. esealp skis em. snkhta.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Refer to the Pokemon Writing Guide for details why this fanfic can use some serious improvements... I'm not going to go over how to fix them here (it's mentioned in the guide), but here's the problem:

-paragraph spacing/readability, before the eyes burn out

-grammar/spelling error (free vs three, for example)

-unique title needed

-characterization

-going far too fast, lacking explanation for important ideas (ex: who's Jimmy/Sarah/other OC? We never got a proper introduction to them or who they are at all. Canonic characters still need descriptions too)

-a whole stream of conversations really don't work... what happened to the narration? What other things are happening?

-can't stress details enough... settings? physical appearance? feelings? emotions? remember that this isn't an anime where we just can't see them... we need more than just dialogues

Yeah... the guide covers more of what you need in far greater details. Best to take a quick skim at what the guide has for you ^^
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Jimmy/Sarah is his friends after the Sinnoh!
Imagine that you can't respond to our questions after reading your chapter. Imagine, if you will, that this isn't on a forum, and is instead in a book. I sit and wonder who Jimmy and Sarah are, and you are not there to answer me.

See, you should tell whatever information is needed in your chapter. Okay, so maybe there are a few things that you want to keep secret if they need to be kept hidden. But, you should tell your readers the basic information. So Ash went somewhere else after Shinnoh. Where? And who did he meet? Jimmy and Sarah. But I don't know that when I read your chapter.

Also, your grammar and spelling need help. Normally when I review a chapter, I point out the grammar mistakes and give corrections. You have too many for me to just point out one. So what should you do? Get a word processing program that has a spell-check. It can't catch everything, but it would make your story that much easier for readers to read. As for grammar, I don't expect you to be perfect, but a basic grasp would be nice. For this, find a beta-reader or just start learning on your own. It might be difficult, but I think you can do it. ^_^

As for more advice, as Frosty said, you should describe more. Where are they? Who are they? What do things look like? How do they feel? I had trouble figuring out where the characters were due to lack of information in the story.

Also, don't put *brushing sound* for your characters brushing their teeth. That whole scene would look better if written as:

"And don't forget to brush your teeth, son!" Ash yelled.

Andrew skidded to a halt in the hall. How did his parents know that he would forget to brush his teeth? He hurried back to the bathroom. In his haste, he didn't do that good of a job, but at least his parents would accept it.
By the way, don't just copy and paste what I wrote. Use it as an example of what your story should read like.

I wish you a lot of luck in your writing journey!
Age 36
At the back of you! *Ahh!*
Seen January 20th, 2010
Posted January 22nd, 2008
116 posts
16.3 Years
Chapter 2 Darkness
"Evacuate everyine immedeintly!" said Ash, "All, On the Ship!" said Misty. *Wierd noise*. "Mwahahaha!, It's time for you to die!" said ??????. "No, It can't be!" aid Ash, "It it!" said Officer Jenny while running. "Ash and Misty,You're coming with me!" said Worlese. "And all you Pathedic People!" shouted Worlese. All Parents get's washed up to a Dark Ball, "If you want to have you're parents back, Come to Pillow Tower to fight me, mwahaha!" said Worlese, Then he dissapears. Everyon was crying and Crying, Some kids help the babys. "Hey guys, he did say we need to fight him" Whisperd Nowel "Yeah, So what" said Andrew "We can catch some Pokemon and train!" said Nowel "Oh yeah, let's get one in the Lab" said Andrew.

Lab
"Hello, How can I help you?" said Grup, "I want my starter Pokemon" said Andrew. "Very well, Which would you like?" said Grup. "Charmander! Please.." said Andrew, "Squrtle! Please..." said Nowel, "Here you go, Please be safe!" said Grup, "I will" said Andrew "Let's go!" said Nowel,

Route 1
"Hey, Nowel!" said Andrew, "What" said Nowel. "Do you know where Viridian City is?" said Andrew, "Ding, ding!" said Pokewave, "Hi Andrew, I've added a Call to you're Pokewave, I also put 6 Pokevalls and a Pokedex in You're Pocket!, Nowel, You also have one like Andrew!" said Grup. "Thanks!" said Nowel, "Let's go ask someone for Directions!" said Andrew,

Girl's House
"Excuse me, Do you knoW where Viridian City is?" said Andrew, "I'l tell you if you beat me!" said Amy.

Battle
"Bubasaur Tackle Charmander!" said Amy
"Charmander Dodge and use Ember!" said Andrew
"Bubasaur!, Bubasaur use Razor Leaf!" said Amy
"Charmander are you ok?,Flamethrower!" said Andrew
"Bubasaur!" said Amy
"Bubasaur loss! Andrew Wins!" said Nowel

"Ok, You won, May I join you're Team?" said Amy
"Sure, If you show us directions" said Andrew.

To be Continued.....


------Recent Shinies

Mareep
Lv 30
Wild in FR and LG
Calm nature
Fire Red
Up for trade


Break this code to win a Pokemon:
Oyu ear os onwrdeulfl ot em. esealp skis em. snkhta.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
... Someone is really refusing to listen to the comments >_<;
REALLY do take a look at the huge intimidating document there. As much as it's totally terrifying to read, it will help your writing.

No MSWord should not be an excuse. The guide even offered free programs that have some basic spelling/grammar check as well, such as open office. Beta readers are another "free tool" to use for these types of things.

Again, I think that we specified how it's totally unacceptable to hear conversations being thrown at one another side by side. I really can't imagine what's going on... how does the battle actually progress besides "tackle" "dodge and tackle" "dodge and tackle back" "dodge that and tackle back too!"

Believe me... 2 years ago, there's a battle fanfic competition, and even a 3vs3 Pokemon battle took me 9 pages to write O_o; less than half a page is obviously missing a lot of stuff.

Oh... heh, not smart to rate yourself stars in a forum that's covered in cobwebs and dust except for a few people coming around on the weekends to sweep off the dust... really, this place is inactive enough for me to precisely pinpoint out who's doing what o_o; let readers rate, and not yourself. It's not really making you too pretty after posting ch.2 yet ignoring all of Hanako Tabris's great advices...
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ v1.0

Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide v2

Example of a Good Fanfic

These three threads are the ones that you should read. There is a lot of information in all of them, but they will help you in the long run if you want to continue writing.

Frosty and I are not posting advice for your story because we are mean. Quite the opposite. We want to see you improve with your writing, to make each chapter a bit better than before. We don't expect you to change overnight.

Even if you don't have Microsoft anymore, there are still more free downloadable office programs that you can use, such as Open Office. Microsoft is not the only operating system with a word processing program.

But with spell check or not, you are on a Pokemon forum. It would have been easy for you to check to see if you spelled the Pokemon's names right. For instance, in your battle, it's "Bulbasaur". You missed the "l".

The advice that I gave you in my previous post still stands. You need to have more description. A battle like that, between two Pokemon, would take me up to four pages. Description helps the reader to see what you see when you imagine a scene.

Now instead of rushing out chapters, as I am forced to believe due to the speed of which you posted the second chapter, actually take the advice given to you by Frosty and me, read the advice threads, and work harder on the next chapter. A slight improvement would be better than nothing.

And yes, it does make you look bad if you vote on your own thread. Once you post your fanfiction, it is up to your readers to decide how to rate it.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 36
At the back of you! *Ahh!*
Seen January 20th, 2010
Posted January 22nd, 2008
116 posts
16.3 Years
Chapter 3 Attacked

"Which way is it Amy" said Andrew "Um..That way, No this way!" said Amy "Let's just go this way" said Nowel. Couple of hours Later...."I'm so tierd" said Andrew while moaning "I thought you knew where Viridian City was" said Nowel "Well, Um.." said Amy "I'm so Hungry" said Andrew "Me too!" said Amy and Nowel "Look!, There are fruits in that tree!" said Andrew "Yeah! Let's get them!" said Nowel "I'll get the most!" said Amy while Running. "Pidgey!" said a Pidgey while poking Andrew "Ahh!" said Andrew and Co while running away.

The next day
"Quiet, I'll go get the fruits slowly!" said Amy while tipy toeing "Pidgey!" said Pidgey "Ahh!" said Amy while running. *Andrew Opens Pokedex* "Pidgey, The Tiny Bird Pokemon" said Dexter "We have to fight it!" said Andrew "Pid, Pidgey, Pidgey!" said Pidgey "Oh and Andrew, I've added a Pokemon Translater" said Grup. *"If you beat me, You can keep me!"* Translated Pidgey. "Ok then, I'll battle you!" said Andrew.

Battle

"Go I choose you Charmander!" said Andrew
"Pidgey!" said Pidgey
"Charmander use Fire Blast!" said Andrew
"Charrr" said Charmander
"Pidgeyyy!" (GUST) said Pidgey
"Charr!" said Charmander
"Charmander are you ok?" said Andrew
"Char!" (YES) said Charmander
"Pigeyy!" (TACKLE) said Pidgey
"Dodge!" said Andrew
"Charmander CHARRR!" (MEGA KICK) shouted Charmander
"Wow Charmander, You learned Mega Kick!" said Andrew
"Char char!" said Charmander
"Charmander Finish it off with another Mega Kick!" said Andrew
"Char CHARRMANDER!" shouted Charmander
"Go Pokeball!" said Andrew
*Ding.Ding.Ding.Dong!*
"Yes Charmander, We caught Pidgey!" said Andrew
"Come out Pidgey!" said Andrew "Oh it's so cute" said Amy "Hey Pidgey, Do you know where Viridian City is?" said Andrew "Pid Pidgey! (Follow me!).

To be Continued... To Fics Tommorow!


------Recent Shinies

Mareep
Lv 30
Wild in FR and LG
Calm nature
Fire Red
Up for trade


Break this code to win a Pokemon:
Oyu ear os onwrdeulfl ot em. esealp skis em. snkhta.

Frostweaver

Ancient + Prehistoric

Age 34
Male
Canada
Seen September 11th, 2016
Posted July 30th, 2016
8,246 posts
19.7 Years
Pokemon translator... heh... guess this one beats Pokemon talking human directly for no reason. (not saying that this is a good thing at all to use this translator)

-__-

Someone is just turning a deaf ear totally now... Is it possible if a mod forces a lock on this thread now? =/ It's been 2 chapters since the 1st comments and feedbacks from not just one but two people, and the author shows basically no sign of replying or improvement at all...
Indiana, land of corn!
Seen August 6th, 2008
Posted July 22nd, 2007
320 posts
16.1 Years
Sorry if this has already been said, but every time a new person speaks a new paragraph should start and there should be description after most speaking.


*My Claims*

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What a Fool Believes-The Doobie Brothers
Roll with the Changes-REO Speedwagon
Grand Illusion-Styx
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
Hmm... someone certainly isn't following any advice.

I do advise you to follow those threads provided to you by Hanako Tabris as they greatly help you in writing. You story generally has a lot of mechanical errors, is quite bland, and just fails to meet a standard fanfiction. Please do listen to the comments that your fellow writers...

Since there is no sign of effort to improve your story after already being asked to improve, this thread warrants a close.

*CLOSED*

Pocket Monsters Special!