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Old April 16th, 2007 (4:19 PM).
slayeryu12 slayeryu12 is offline
    Join Date: Dec 2006
    Age: 26
    Nature: Adamant
    Posts: 165
    I wrote this to basically get some closure on the death of my best friend Angel

    When I remember you my mind starts to stir
    Cuz I don't even know what your last words were
    I walked around and wondered what you would do
    If you were in my position I thought it all through
    I figured you would know not to dwell in the past
    Theres just no time for that, life moves way to fast

    Everytime I think of you my mind starts to stir
    Cuz I don't even know what your last words were
    I was staring at the ceiling last night while in bed
    Remembering again all those things that you said
    You told me you would do nothing lied
    I though about that durin that one time that i cried

    When I remember you my mind starts to stir
    Cuz i don't even know what your last words were
    I walked around and thought that I'd see you somewhere
    Till it hit me that its're no longer there
    I wouldn't let that be one of the times that i cried
    So now rest in peace man i'll see you on the other side...
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    Old April 18th, 2007 (7:30 AM). Edited April 18th, 2007 by Margot.
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    Margot Margot is offline
    some things are that simple
    • Crystal Tier
    Join Date: Feb 2006
    Location: Chelsea Hotel
    Nature: Naughty
    Posts: 3,672
    This poem was a bit choppy and confusing. You did keep the repitition of the first two lines which was ok, but the repetition of lines where you talk about crying and not crying is the confusing part.

    You also had some grammer and spelling mistakes as well. If you fix that up and the other parts of the poem, it would be ok.

    Good luck with the rest of your poems ^-^
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    Old April 21st, 2007 (2:42 PM).
    oni flygon's Avatar
    oni flygon oni flygon is offline
      Join Date: Sep 2003
      Location: Bittertown
      Nature: Lax
      Posts: 7,903
      Repetition in first two lines of paragraph is used, but to no other specific effect. Try to repeat something for emphasis, not just so that it fills the poem and it makes it look big. Although your poem has structure, the rhythm was sort of odd, in combination with your rhymes. Try to watch your syllables and stresses to make it sound a bit more pleasant. You're a promising writer, but keep on trying!

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      Old May 19th, 2007 (3:01 PM).
      mcrc mcrc is offline
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        Join Date: Apr 2007
        Age: 26
        Nature: Adamant
        Posts: 71
        this one touched me in a way but yea some of the repition shouldn't be used i guess
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