The New Mewtwo

Started by Scales April 25th, 2007 11:29 AM
  • 635 views
  • 3 replies

Scales

Man of Infinite Jest

Age 30
Male
From whose bourn No traveller returns,
Seen August 12th, 2010
Posted July 1st, 2010
1,718 posts
16.4 Years
Okay I hosted this on MediaMiner. But I wanted to put it here so I could get better feedback.

Keep checking back here for updates to the story and such

NOTE: This uses the same protagonist of my roleplays.

Anyway I am only accepting constructive remarks. If you do not have anything nice to say dont say it

The New Mewtwo

Current chapters completed

The Meeting
Transformation
Welcome to the rest of your life
Waking up from reality

Chapter 1. The meeting

Note: I do not own pokemon nor anything related to it. This is just a fanfic.

Cain was a new pokemon trainer. He was walking through the lush grass of viridian forest. He however didnt like being a pokemon trainer. He prefered studying them instead of battling

*Like I have the choice.*

But even his pokemon didnt trust him. He had a Bulbasaur in a pokeball on his belt. But it looked like it wanted to run away the first chance it got.

"Like im even going to get past the first gym. "

Little did Cain know that his entire destiny was going to be changed in one choice that was going to happen later that day.

~~~Meanwhile~~~

Mewtwo was flying over Viridian city. Making sure that he was not seen. Mewtwo had been alive a year now and hated his existance. He could just commit suicide but that would mean that he would never see Mew again.

Mewtwo had only one goal at this point. To find Mew, and see if his sister had any answers for him. But just then quick as lightning he saw it. A blur of pink light flying towards the Indigo Plataeo.

*I have you now Mew*

Mewtwo eventualy caught up with Mew at the entrance of the Pokemon league. It was early in the day so the elite four were training. So that ment that it was closed. There was no sign of life anywere.

Mewtwo broke in with a question. *Mew what is my purpose?*

Mew giggled loudly. She immediatly answered *Mewtwo your purpose is what you make it. I cannot give you a choice. Try and help people or do something that helps the world.*

But Mewtwo broke in with another comment *Mew I do not like my existance. I am a pitied creature. I envy other pokemon and even humans. I would throw myself off a cliff if I didnt know that I would be getting rid of the most powerfull pokemon in the world*

Mew giggled more and answered *Mewtwo, if you hate your existance so much why dont you merge yourself with someone?*

Mewtwo interested asked *What do you mean?*

Mew stopped giggling and answered *What I mean is you were programmed with an ability to give your pokemon lifeforce to another being. That in turn would "Relive your burdon" On yourself and the other being would know your purpose*

Mewtwo stunned asked *So you mean I can give someone else my mewtwo lifeforce and they would become a Mewtwo?*

Mew answered with a nod. Mewtwo was suddenly very excited. He hated being a mewtwo, he would rather kill himself then spend one more minute in this clone existance.

Mew suddenly sensed his excitment. Then gave him a warning *Beware Mewtwo. The only way you can do this is to give it to the person willingly. He must want to merge with your pokemon lifeforce*

Mewtwo nodded. Then flew off. He needed to find someone to merge with

~~~Meanwhile~~~~~

Cain walked through the forest. Bug pokemon and other types scampered through the trees. He hoped that he could find a weak pokemon to catch just so his Bulbasaur could trust him.

Then quick as lightning a purple blur came from out of nowhere. It was Mewtwo himself yet Cain didnt know what it was.

Cain felt fear flood him. He released his Bulbasaur at the creature. But all of the sudden Bulbasaur felt an invisable hand grasp him. Then was flung through the trees. Cain was defenseless.

Mewtwo walked up to Cain. After quickly reading his mind he had found the perfect individual. He asked the human one thing

*How would you like ultimate power?*

Cain startled at the fact that the pokemon could talk asked it "What do you mean?"

*I mean you will be able to conqure any pokemon or human alike. Your psychic powers will desimate citys and even whole continents. Just by waving your finger.*

Mewtwo saw some admiration in the humans eyes. He knew the answer that he was going to get

*If you wish ultimate power grasp my hand. We will fly towards where you can become more "Appropriate"*

Cain who was thinking of this choice grasped the pokemons hand. Hoping that he was not lying.

Mewtwo immediatly smirked. He had found someone he could use. Now he needed to go somewhere were no humans or pokemon could see them.

*I know just the place*

Mewtwo kicked off the ground and flew through the air with the human hanging on.
Indiana, land of corn!
Seen August 6th, 2008
Posted July 22nd, 2007
320 posts
16.1 Years
I like it, though there's obviously much more so I can't say anything about it overall. I think that it has potential, so I'll keep coming back for more chapters.


*My Claims*

----------------------------
What a Fool Believes-The Doobie Brothers
Roll with the Changes-REO Speedwagon
Grand Illusion-Styx
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Alright... be warned, Omni. If you want good criticism, I'll be constructive, but by the same token you'd better not be judgemental. I'll say what I think needs to be said: You really should have improved your general writing skills before putting this out. It needs major improvement. This does not under any circumstances mean that I think you're a lousy writer, far from it. I simply think that this story needs some major improvement in many basic areas.

1. Grammar:

Your grammar is decent. The story is readable, and I can tell when a new character is speaking. Spelling mistakes appear to be your worst problem- may I suggest getting a beta reader or using a spellcheck? Here are some of the ones I found that stood out most:

Cain was a new pokemon trainer. He was walking through the lush grass of viridian forest. He however didnt like being a pokemon trainer. He prefered studying them instead of battling
No apostrophe.

But all of the sudden Bulbasaur felt an invisable hand grasp him. Then was flung through the trees. Cain was defenseless.
Um... you need to merge the first two sentences. "All of a sudden", not "The sudden". "Invisible" was misspelled.

*I mean you will be able to conqure any pokemon or human alike. Your psychic powers will desimate citys and even whole continents. Just by waving your finger.*
"Conquer" and "decimate". Last two sentences need to be merged.

Then quick as lightning a purple blur came from out of nowhere. It was Mewtwo himself yet Cain didnt know what it was.
There needs to be a comma between "himself" and "yet", and didn't is missing its apostrophe. Preferably, both sentences should be dropped in favor of something more like "Suddenly, a purple blur shot from the forest, moving like lightning. Cain was alarmed. He had no idea what it was." You get the idea.

A blur of pink light flying towards the Indigo Plataeo.
"Plateau", not "Plataeo". (Can't say I blame you for that one- it's an easy mistake.)

2. Style:

Your story gets pretty repetitive after Mewtwo and Mew's conversation. Your use of the simile "quick as lightning" twice in such a short period really doesn't do much, and your lack of description is disheartening. I have no idea what Cain or Bulbasaur look like, and about all I know about Mewtwo and Mew is that one is purple, the other is pink. Not exactly the best descriptions ever. Placing thoughts and mind-conversation in asterisks isn't quite as effective as placing them in italics, I've found. It makes you look more professional.

Plot: Not much to go on here... I can pretty much see where this is going, unless you throw in some clever plot twist. Cain falls for Mewtwo's little scheme and ends up getting just as suicidal as the purple cat when it's all over. If you wanted to make it a little less obvious, you could put the conversation between Mewtwo and his "sister" Mew (officially, I've always thought of Mew as being a hermaphrodite, but hey, each to his own) before the introduction of Cain. Perhaps you could make it a prologue? You stated that Mewtwo "hates his existance" in those exact words too many times in a row.

Anyway, the plot here doesn't seem to be suited to a drawn out story. It needs either a quick conclusion or something to draw out the action.

Characters: So far we have a super-depressed Mewtwo, a guy named Cain who apparently doesn't like Pokemon battles yet for some reason still wants ultimate power, and a giggling, know-it-all, supa-wise Mew. I think some serious character development is in order... it pays to know that just because overly peppy characters are stereotypic, it doesn't mean suicidal ones aren't. Mewtwo's reasons for not killing himself are kind of... well, lacking. I'm not really convinced he actually wants to that badly.

Overall: Lacking in many departments. I strongly suggest a rewrite, and some rethinking.

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