Road Trip

Started by Giga Studios May 17th, 2007 3:07 PM
  • 465 views
  • 1 replies
Seen June 9th, 2007
Posted May 17th, 2007
1 posts
16 Years
Chapter 1
Hitch a Ride

"What do you mean I can't enter?" Bernard asked, his blood already boiling.
Last year it was understandable why Frosty wouldn't let me enter the Battling Pyramid. Besides, I was only a Piplup. This year, however, there was no reason to stop me from entering the tournament and beating every Pokemon that crossed my path. It had taken the whole summer to evolve myself into a Prinplup and
I wasn't about to get rejected.
"Listen, kid, I don't like you. I control who comes in and who comes out and I say you can't come in," Frosty said rather calmly.

Reluctantly, he pulled a shiny green token out his purse and handed it to a Cherrim who had been waiting at the counter for about fifteen minutes now. With a sudden pang of jealousy, I pounced onto the little Cherrim, ignoring the fact that it had been the Pyramid Champ for at least two years.

"P-petal Dance!" it cried. In a split second, flower petals of all shapes and sizes were released into the air, injuring me and ripping holes into what used to be the top of the Battle Pyramid Reception Tent. Frosty should've felt content but didn't.I was injured now so I wouldn't bother him, right? Wrong. Frosty rather enjoyed my company so he did what you would (or would not) have expected of him. With a blast of his mighty Aura Sphere, he sent Lil' Cherrim blasting off again!

Later, I awoke to find myself on a dirt road four miles away from civilization. Frosty was beside me, gesturing me to wake up.

"Oh kid, you won't believe what happened!" Frosty said, barely managing to speak with the tears in his eyes.

"I would've accused you for kidnapping right now but the waterworks are just too convincing. Continue on,"

"The whole town was on Lil' Cherrim's side! Either I spend night and day looking for their "hero," or they'll tear my soul into oblivion!"

"And you had to take me with you?"

"Everybody needs a bit of company, y'know,"

Suddenly, the roar of a truck's engine interrupted the silence. A mob of angry Pokemon trailed right behind it. Frosty and I ran faster, faster than any of those foolish Pokemon. It was strange, though, that Frosty didn't just fly away with me, fly back to our village so we could close the gates and laugh together at the rotting Pokemon who had been waiting for the gates to open for years and years.

Funny how we ended up in Cacturne's Point so we could be laughed at by simple-minded Cacturne who would forever call us "The Couple who Never Returned," and would be passed down generation to generation. Funny how...
Don't worry, be happy...:classic:
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
'Ello there! Welcome to PC and the Fanfiction section! It was nice of you to share some of your writing with us, so I hope that you will accept my advice!

Okay, let's take a look at your first chapter. You did all right seperating the chapter title from the actual body of the work. Great job there! And your spelling is looking good as well! But you need a little bit of help with the grammar. It's just a little lesson. ^_^

With dialogue, unless there is a dialogue tag ("he said", "she asked"), then you want to use a full stop. I noticed that with some of your dialogue, you missed that, using a comma instead. It's easy to spot if you go back through your chapter.

Now, for the main part of my review. You seem to skimp out on description. I found myself getting confused in this chapter, wondering who the characters were. Yeah, okay. I know that you know what they look like, but I don't.

I also don't know what's going on. Like how did the main character lose consciousness after the battle with Cherrim? And what is Frosty and why is he with the main character. And I'm really not sure who Brendan is, as he's only mentioned once.

Ah, that aside. What else? You ended the chapter with a dangling sentence fragment. "Funny how" doesn't really close a chapter well. Either delete those two words or tack on some more to finish the sentence. It just left me with a feeling of incomplete.

That's all I can comment on. I don't want to touch the plot or anything else since this was the first chapter. So I'll end the review there.

Hmm...that's really it for the review. Good luck writing the rest of the story! I'll be sure to come back and keep reading, to see how you've done.

Avatar credit: Fairy