Leaders Story

Started by Leader May 19th, 2007 6:48 AM
  • 546 views
  • 2 replies
Seen December 12th, 2007
Posted May 19th, 2007
1 posts
16 Years
Hello my names Leader. I have a wired life. You see my dad was a Hero one of the best. He saves Pokemon for a living.

I always wanted to be like him. My dad trained me to be a Hero to.

You see theres a title that Pokemon get when they save Pokemon. My dad got that title and was respected for his dutys.

But one day he vanished. A lot of Pokemon tried to find him but they never did.

Soon another Pokemon got the title. I trained on my own training to be the best.

I was old enough to gain the title. I got the title and started to protect the title with pride.

I went around the world to save Pokemon. I saved all the Pokemon that I came across to.

I soon was the greatist Pokemon to live.

(Ehem) Not the greatist Pokemon to live but the greatist Pokemon to save Pokemon at.

Now im 20 years old and i could marry any Pokemon i want. But woman tryed to marry me for fame not for love.

I hated Pokemon like that Pokemon who would do anything for fame. I dispised Pokemon like that.

Soon Pelipper ( my own mail man) came to my house saying theres a Pokemon in need at Altormore. I acepeted the offer and soon my couse was set.

This is my story and my Intro.
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Hmm... a bit short, even for an intro, and lacking in detail.

First off, you fail to even describe what Pokemon Leader and his father are, let alone what either of them looks like. This is a problem, as without an idea of what they look like, we can't envision them.

Secondly, you fail to use English grammar correctly. I can forgive this because not everyone's first language is English. Mine is, and yet my Japanese is almost non-existent and my Spanish royally sucks, so I can forgive you for forgetting to use apostrophes and misspelling the words "weird", "greatest", "dutys", "tried", "despised", and "Altomare". (I'm fairly sure there's more, but if there is, it isn't that obvious.) You also forgot to capitalize "I" when it stands alone, and some of your sentences are structured rather awkwardly. I'll give you a detailed list if you REALLY want it, but I want to see how you react to criticism first.

Finally, you don't go into any detail in regards to the "title" Leader talks about. What, exactly, is this title, and does anyone who saves a Pokemon, even once, earn it? I mean, that's not exactly a title I'd want. I'd get it one day, the next, some kid in who-knows-where stops a Rattata from eating poisoned meat and it's goodbye, days of recognition!

In short, you need some major help. I suggest you read the threads that are placed here for people who need help writing fanfiction. (I believe they're in the writer's lounge, but I've never actually checked... XD) I mean, that is what they are there for.

By the way, if you don't like what I'm saying, may I suggest you read "An Letter of Complaint", located in the fanfiction archives? (Even if you accept criticism, read it. It's seriously funny.)

x x x x

Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Firstly, welcome to PokeCommunity! It's great that you are willing to post your story up for others to read. Be sure to accept the helpful advice that Art_Critic_Cubone and I will be giving you.

Let's start off by looking at your title. It's pretty generic. I can't say safely if you have been to other fanfiction sites as much as I have, so you might not know somethings. Well, your title doesn't really stand out. I can commend you on properly capitalising the title! But you have to properly puncuate it as well. So it should be "Leader's Story". It's still rather bland, isn't it? It doesn't draw readers in because it offers no sense of mystery. (Well, okay, so we wonder why Leader is important enough to have his story be told!) Try to find a less generic title.

Looking at the actual body of the story, I can see that you need to have more description. Except for a few certain occasions, you should have more than one sentence in a paragraph. What you can do to help this problem is to add description. I don't know what Leader looks like, or what his father looks like, or anything about the world he lives in. I can't see inside your head! It's up to you to put down on paper what you see in your mind so that your readers can see it as well!

You also need help in your grammar. English is a hard language to learn. (I'm a native speaker and I still don't get all of it!) My best suggestion is for you to take some time to learn the language or find someone to help you out.

Make sure that you check out the three threads in the Writer's Lounge that A_C_C mentioned. There are the two guides by Lily and oni flygon and the analysis by Frostweaver. Each one has helpful advice that you can follow when writing your next chapter.

Good luck to you!

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