Pokemon Mystic City Adventure

Started by Adventure-Chan May 22nd, 2007 7:01 AM
  • 4226 views
  • 108 replies
  • Poll

Who is your favorite character in my fic?

Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
This is my first fic so it may not be very good....:\ Well here it is! My fic.


Pokemon Mystic

Chapter 1 Old friends Reunite!
"GAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"A shriek broke the silence of the forest and Pokemon scamper away. The yell came from a boy who wore a red hat, red shirt and Blue jeans. "Geez Matt!" said a girl beside him. She wore a Green bandana on her head, an orange vest, and with her, a Pichu rested on her shoulders clucthing its ears.


Then they here a voice saying "Pikachu! Volt Tackle!"

The Pichu hears this and says to the girl "Pi! Pichu" <Lets check it out!>

The girl understood the Pichu's words and, in a rush grabbed Matt and headed towards the clearing.

When they reach the clearing they saw a Boy, no older than 15 wearing a green hat, a Black/orange jacket, and in front of him sat a Pikachu wearing a blue bandana around its neck. A few feet across from them a girl wearing a white hat, and a blue dress. Siitting directly across from her was an Jolteon knocked out. The boy had apparently won the battle. And went over to help the girl and her Jolteon.

"OH MY GOSH!!!!" said Crystal in a shocked but quiet voice "WHATS MY BROTHER DOING HERE?!?!"

Matt stared at her and said too loudly"YOUR BROTHER!?!?!?!?!?!"

The boy and girl turn to see them arguing in the bushes.

"CRYSTAL!?" the boy said in a surprised voice

"JORDAN!!"

They ran to each other and hugged. Matt and the girl just stood there watching the two converse. Crystal's Pichu hops down from her shoulder over to Jordan's Pikachu.


<Hi!> said Pichu.

<Nice to meet you!> replied the Pikachu.

"So, sis, what Pokemon do you have?" asked Jordan

"Let me show you!" she pulls her Poke Balls out of her waist bag.

In a flash of light out came a Sceptile, Crobat, Mightyena, Swellow, and Aggron.

"Oh, and of course my Pichu!"

<Wow!> Exclaimed Jordan's Pikachu <Your owner must be an awesome trainer!>

<Yep!> replies the Pichu < She sure is, and very kind despite her love for battling!>

"Great team sis! Let me show mine!"

Reaching in his backpack he pulls out his Poke Balls

In another flash of light out came an Swampert, Xatu, Glalie, Flygon, and Umbreon.

"And Pikachu!"

<Neat!> said Pichu <Your owner looks pretty good himeself!>

<Yep!> replies Pikachu <And also very kind, he is often sad and he likes it when I try and cheer him up.>

"pi? pi pichu pi?" <Huh? Why is he sad?>

"pika. pikachu pi. chuuuu...." <No idea. All I know is that he is sometimes sad. Sigh.....>

"Well, they seem to be getting off to a good start!" said Crystal looking at Pichu and Pikachu talk.

"Yep." replied Jordan

"Ahem!" said a some what anoyed Matt.

"Oh, Jordan I'd like you to meet Matt." they shake hands.

"This is Sa..." Matt interupted Jordan.

"Oh my gosh! Sara! Long time no see!" he said as he hugged her.

"Hi Matt! I'm really glad to see ya! What are you doing here?"

"Well....." everyone made a camp and contiuned t share stories of their journey's while Pikachu ran off and Jordan told everyone he was going to look for him alone and, he suprisingly met his brother Max.......
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Here is the next chapter (probably the weirdest:paranoid: ) So here it is!


Chapter 2 Pikachu! Are there two?!

"Hey Brock!" yelled May clucthing her stomach "When'll dinner be ready?!"

"Calm down, Calm down. Its almost ready." replied Brock from behind the tree.

"Um...Brock.." said Ash "Why are you cooking behind a tree?"

"Because I was cooking everyone's favorite... Mystery Stew!!!"

"Alright!!!!"

Pi! Pikachu! <Awsome!> replied Pikachu

"Hey Ash?" asked May in a worried voice "Wheres Max? Its not like him to take off on his own."

Ash shrugged "He's probably exploring around. We'll look for him after dinn.." but before he could finish Max entered the camp.

"And just where have you been!?"

"Um I was.... Um....Exploring? Heh Heh....... Well is dinner ready?"

"Yep." replied Brock "Its Mystery Stew!"

"ALRIGHT!!! Um.. sis... could I talk to you um... privetly?"

With a confused look on her face she finally said "Ok...I guess"

'Wonder what that was about?' Ash thought, he soon dropped the thought and continues eating.

May soon returns with Max and seems a bit shaken.

"May? Are you ok?" asked Brock

"Yeah... uh..... Yeah I'm ok!" replied May in a shaky voice

After dinner they cleaned up the camp and started to unroll the sleeping bags when they heard Pikachu talking to something. It turned out to be another Pikachu with a blue Bandanna around it's neck. They appearded to be disscusing something.

Pi! <Hi!> says the Pikachu with the Bandanna

Pi! chu chu pika?<Hi!!> replies Ash's Pikachu <Do you have an owner?>

Pikachu Pika Pika. Pi ka. <Yes I do but I wandered away from our camp and got lost. He's the older brother of the girl over there.>

PIKA!? <What!?>

Piii! Chu chu pika!<Shush! You can't tell anyone!>

"Hey Pikachu! Who's your friend there?" Ash asks.

Pi Pikachu. <Another Pikachu. He has an owner but, he wandered away from camp and got lost.>

"Oh, well, we'll look for his owner tomorrow okay?"

Pika! <Ok!> replied the Pikachu. And everyone got into thier sleeping bags and drifted off to sleep....
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!

Alana

I still love this world...

Age 31
Right here
Seen August 7th, 2013
Posted November 14th, 2008
7,159 posts
18.9 Years
It's not too bad. The story is interesting and the title suggests that the plot will become more interesting soon. There a couple errors, though. For now, you switch from present to past tense a couple of times. I suggest staying in past tense because that's easier, though if you prefer present that's fine, just stay in one tense.

Your description needs some work, too. For example.

When they reach the clearing they saw a Boy, no older than 12 wearing a green hat, a Black/orange jacket, and in front of him sat a Pikachu wearing a blue bandana around its neck. A few feet across from them a girl wearing a white hat, and a blue dress. Siitting directly across from her was an Jolteon knocked out.
This scene is very bland. We get a bit about what the people look like, but what about the battle scene? Are there any signs that a battle took place? Patches of dirt that was kicked up, scratches on trees, scorch marks? And try describing what the two Pokemon look like. Assume that your readers don't know what a Jolteon or a Pikachu are. There are other scenes you could add some more description too, as well. Try adding a bit more emotion, too.

Your spelling and grammar seemed to be all right. Avoid typing in caps though. Exclamation marks followed by a strong adjective work just as well. Try only use up to three exclamation marks too. There's no need for more than that.

This is your first fic and you're doing well so keep it up. I'll stick with this and give you advice whenever it's needed. ^_^

~Reopened~

Spoiler:
Thought you'd see something interesting here, didn't ya? :D


Finally Alyssa spoke again, her eyes locked on the ball in my hand. “That isn’t an ordinary Pokeball. We call it the Soul Ball. The Pokemon inside it is very special. It represents who and what you are at the very deepest level. It is essentially your soul in physical form.”

“My soul,” I whispered, awe struck. “So that’s what you meant by my ‘soul companion’.”
~Faye
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Chapter 3 is up. Please read and reveiw!



Chapter 3 BROTHER!? SISTER!?

The group woke up early the next morning to look for the lost Pikachu's owner.

"OK, so where should we start?" asked Brock

Before anyone could answer the Pikachu ran over to Max gave sort of a quick signal and ran toward the bushes.

"That was weird." Ash said in a curious voice. "We had better follow it."

Everyone nodded and followed Pikachu through the bushes. When Ash jumped over a fallen tree he ran head first into something.

"ASH!" cried May "Are you okay?"

Then another cry followed

"MATT!" cried Cyrstal "Are you okay?"

Ash looked up and saw a girl that looked like May but it wasn't May.'Who is THIS!?' thought Ash. His question was soon answered.

"MAY!? IS THAT YOU!?" exclaimed Crystal

"CRYSTAL! IT'S YOU!" May exclaimed in a similar voice

Both of them ran to each other and hugged. Ash, Matt, and Brock just stood there looking.

"Max?! What are you doing here?!" Crystal said in a suprised voice and she also ran over to Max and gave him a hug

"Hi sis!" replied Max "You see I was trav....."

"HOLD IT!!!!!!" yelled Ash before Max could finish "WOULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?!?!?!?"

"Sure I'll tell you what's going on" replied a voice from the shadows

Then Jordan came out of the shadows and said "May's my sister and Max is my brother and Crystal is also my sister."

"JORDAN!!" exclaimed May running to her brother and she gave him a hug. After everybody settled down Sara and Matt were introduced and Jordan explained that the Pikachu was his and that he and Max had run into each other and the both of them kept it secret but, the only other person who knew was May. Well, things seem to be going well but what adventures lie ahead?
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!

Suki

I'm gonna make it.

Seen October 16th, 2019
Posted September 20th, 2013
2,106 posts
17.8 Years
I found this fic a bit confusing, due to the relations, but I was surprised to see that this was your first fic as it is still very good. I agree that most punctuation is used correctly - not being ridiculously missed out like some fics xP And yeah, to help with the imagery, add to the descriptions. Other than that, this fic is heading towards a great one.
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
This is an excerpt of Chapter 4 well....... It's more like the beginning of Ch. 4 since I'm still working on it.



Chapter 4

"Are we there yet?" asked an annoyed Matt asked

"FOR THE LAST TIME NO!" Crystal yelled back at him.

"Sheesh women! Do have any manners in that barbaric head of yours?!"

"What...did....you....just....say?!" With that Crystal tackled Matt and started throwing him around. Jordan, May, and Max just sweatdropped.

Like the beginning? More is soon to come! :classic:
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
This chapter is kinda short and sorta funny! Read and Reveiw.


Chapter 4

"Are we there yet?" asked an annoyed Matt.

"FOR THE LAST TIME NO!" Crystal yelled back at him.

"Sheesh women! Do have any manners in that barbaric head of yours?!"

"What...did....you....just....say?!" With that Crystal tackled Matt and started throwing him around. Jordan, May, and Max just sweatdropped.

"Um...sis....." Jordan said nervously

"Huh? What is bro?" Crystal replied still holding Matt by the collar.

"Could we get going? We're almost there, see?" Jordan pointed at a sign that read 'Mystic City: A city of legends and mysteries.'

"Alright! Let's get going! I'm starving!" Ash said gripping his stomach.

May sighed "Ash, you love food WAY too much!"

"Well, your a shopping freak!'

Insults like pea brain, cry baby, fat head, and banana face were thrown back and forth between Ash and May.

"Would you two SHUT UP?!" Everyone turned to face Sara. She hadn't talked at all during the entire trip. Ash muttered something under his breath that no one heard and continued along the path to the city.

Meanwhile...

"Whatta ya gawking at!? Let's go!" said an annoyed Meowth

"If you are so impatient rush in and snatch all those twerps Pokemon!" said a long red haired female.

"Yeah well tell that to Mr. brainless ova dare!" he replied pointing to a long blue hair male.

"Who are you calling brainless short stuff?!"

"Oh is that a threat? Come on I dare ya to attack me!" the Rocket trio got into a huge fight.

"Huh? What's that sound?" asked Ash

"What sound?" replied May

"I'm proabably just hearing things" and the gang headed towards Mystic City a town of mysteries..........
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
I haven't started chapter 5 yet but, I have ideas for it! The chapter will feature Bianca, Latias. Altoshipping will be in the up coming chapters. So be patient, I'll post the chapters soon.
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Here's the start of chapter 5. I got the name Larius off of lonepicu's 'Latias' Love' on The Pokemon Tower credit for the name goes to him! Note: This is just an excerpt NOT the full chapter as I am still working on it ^_~


Chapter 5 Old friends, New Friends

"Whoah. This is bigger than I expected" Ash was looking around at the huge buildings

"Hence the name 'city' Ash" May replied boredly

"Whatever, lets just get to a resturant I'm starving!"

"Hey! Ash is that you!?" came a voice from behind him. A girl with a green shirt white mini skirt(shorts?) and a white berret came up to them followed by a girl who looked identical to her except her hai was to her waist and was slightly thiner, Ash recognized this girl to be Latias.

"Bianca!? Lat... Erm.....Larius!!!" Ash said excitedly
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Chapter 5 is up! Contains some Altoshipping and Reveals one of the two shadowed persons. This chapter is pretty short but enjoy and reveiw!


Chapter 5 Old friends, New Friends

"Whoah. This is bigger than I expected!" Ash was looking around at the huge buildings

"Hence the name 'city' Ash" May replied boredly

"Whatever, lets just get to a resturant I'm starving!"

"Hey! Ash is that you!?" came a voice from behind him. A girl with a green shirt white mini skirt(shorts?) and a white berret came up to them followed by ag irl who looked identical to her except her hai was to her waist and was slightly thiner, Ash recognized this girl to be latias

"Bianca!? Lat... Erm.....Larius!!!" Ash said excitedly

"Hey Ash! What a coinsidence running into you here!" Bianca said happily

"Say to you!"

"Ahem! What about us?" said Sara slightly annoyed

"Oh, Bianca, Larius I'd like you to meet.... May, Max, Matt, Jordan, Crystal *pauses to catch breath* Matt, and Sara."

"Hi! Nice to meet you all!"

Latias(Larius) looked at Ash and couldn't help but run up to him and hug him. Ash was blushing madly as Latias embraced him. Jordan just stood planted to the ground, Matt laughing, and Crystal smacked him outside his head but, everyone else acted like Jordan.

When they finnaly parted the hug Ash only managed to say "Um.... Thanks Larius"

"Bianca can we tell them Larius is Latias?" Ash asked Bianca

"If Latias agrees it's okay with me"

Latias nodded her head and in a flash of silver light she turned into Latias.

"She's a Pokemon?!" everyone said at once.

"Yep! I met her when I was in Altomare and I was really suprised when I found out she was a Latias."

"Well, now that that's settled let's g..." but before Jordan could finish he was interupted by Crystal hitting Matt in the face when he was trying to hug her and make her scared but, his plan backfired.

"You sicko! Get away from me!" and Crystal threw Matt a good 6 feet ahead of them.

"You know, I think I'll leave" said Sara. Everyone looked at her in confusion.

"Why do you want to leave?" asked Matt still getting up from the ground.

"Well I miss my family,my REAL family not the one where I lived with rich snobs. Matt, you said you would help me look for them when we were strong enough so, will you?"

Matt looked at her and smiled "Ok, let's go home. So I guess this is goodbye."

"Yeah bye! Have a safe trip! Hope you find your family bye!" were comments the whole group let out. Matt and Sara headed back home to Kanto where there family awaits them, while are heroes look back at them and hope they find what they are looking for......
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
My review will come out harsher than what you have been receiving. I apologise in advance. Don't stop writing just because I found a few errors. Take it as a learning tool.

Don't post five chapters in one day. Readers don't want to read so much when a fanfic is starting. To force your readers to suddenly start off with five chapters in a space of two hours is bad. You should space out the amount of time between chapters posted. A week is the best, but I know some writers who take a month in between.

Yeah, you should slow down your chapters. Because they aren't the best quality I have seen. Take the time to make your chapters the best that you can make them. I don't expect perfection; we're all human. But at least something that isn't so confusing.

Okay. So I'll let you off the hook by guessing that you haven't been around fanfiction communities for as long as I have. That's fine. So I'm going to tell you some things that will help you improve in this community.

Make sure that your grammar and spelling are top-notch. To achieve this without melding your mind with the dictionary and The Elements of Style, I would suggest using a word processing program. They come with spell-check and grammar check to help catch basic mistakes.

Make sure that you don't have any odd parts. Like there are times when you have the actual "cries" of the Pokemon talking, and then their translated speech, while other times you don't do this. Pick one or the other style to use. (I would personally suggest that you skip out on the "Pika pika" and just use the translation. It's cleaner and clutter-free.)

Don't use author notes in the middle of the story. If your readers can pick up on your hints, fine. If they don't...well, things will be revealed to them anyhow. No need to pound it into the readers' heads with interruptions to the narrations.

Make sure that you have some sort of good reason to break canon law. You can say that this is an Alternate Universe fic where some laws of canon are twisted. That'll be fine. Right now, though, it just looks like you possibly wanted to include yourself in the fic and wanted some relation to the canon characters. Unless your Original Characters fufill some role that a canon character can't, then I personally can't see any reason for them yet. I stress the "yet" because this is only the beginning of your fanfic. I'll give you time to develop things more. This is just what I see now!

I know, I know. The Fanfiction board here doesn't have any specific guidelines for length of chapters. But your chapters are a little bit on the short side. Even if you just take the time to describe the characters a bit more physically and emotionally, that'll add more length to your chapters.

That's all for now. I don't expect you to improve overnight. Just take my review as advice to help you improve, instead of a harsh insult. I'm only here to help you improve in your writing.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Thanks for the advice. I know, the chapters are short but, I have some writer's block write now. Oh, and about the chapter thing it was 4 on day one and 1 chapter on a day two I posted.

Well, anyway thanks!
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Age 28
Twinleaf Town
Seen June 6th, 2010
Posted January 24th, 2009
312 posts
16.2 Years
Chapter 6 up! Do you know how Jordan seems more secretive than anyone else? Well, his big secret is revealed in this chapter! Don't get confused!




Chapter 6

Latias looked over to Jordan. 'I sense something strange about him. Could he be.......?' Latias thought. She walked up to him sniffed him and looked around him and went back to Bianca and Ash.

'Uh oh' Jordan thought 'I hope she doesn't find out my secret....'

Flashback.....

"Augh... what happened?" said a dazed Latios. He looked around to see burnt trees, destroyed shrines and, his parents

"LA! LAI!" he called out as he floated over to his parents. He shook them, trying to wake them up but, they didn't.

'La! Latios..." he cried for he knew his parents were dead. He decided to leave. After months of exausting searches for a home he came upon a house, he decided to peak threw a window.

"Shut up Max!" a girl yelled "Why can't I have a normal brother?"

"Hey! I am normal!" a small boy with glasses said "Maybe it's you!"

Hmm... the Latios thought 'maybe I can live with these humans'. With what little energy he had left he turned into a boy with a torn T-Shirt and Jeans. He slowly limped to the door and knocked. He knew how to speak human and when a women answered the door he said weakly "Help me"

"Oh you poor thing!" the women said

"Hey Mom! Who is that?" said a Girl

"I don't know honey but, if we don't find his parents we will adopt him"

"What's his name?"

"I think I will call him...."


"Jordan? Jordan!? Wake up!!!" May said snaping her fingers in front of his face.

"Huh? Oh sorry..." Jordan replied nervously snapping out of his flashback.

"Come on lets get to a Pokemon center!" with that the group checked into a Pokemon Center and got three rooms but, Jordan had other plans.

"Sorry guys I need to go somewhere! See ya later!" Jordan dashed out the Pokemon Center doors and down the streets without knowing that Latias and Ash were following him. He ran through the gates that led down to the valley and through a thick forest untill he reached an entrance. Through that entrance came to view an ancient garden. 'Just like I remebered' Jordan thought 'now I can finnaly reveal my true form'. He closed his eyes and a white light engulfed him and when that light faded a Latios was floating there.
His belt containing Pokemon however was on the ground so, he picked it up and placed it gently on a rock.


Ash and Latias' POV:

"Hey! Latias! Come over here!" Ash called "A secret entrance!"

"La! La!" she said excitedly as they went through. When they reached the end they saw Jordan turn into a Latios and place his Poke' Balls on a rock.

Normal POV:

Latios/Jordan sensed someone behind him so he turned around to confront....

"LA?! LATIOS!" he yelled aloud.

"La! Latias!" Latias said suprised.

"Your a Pokemon?!" Ash replied.

In the shadows.........

"So the twerp who messed up our plans 2 years ago is a Pokemon!" Spy Naps said silently "This will get me a bonus from Master Greevil for sure!" He watched the events replay in the camcorder over and over........................

Writer's Notice: Ash and Jordan's Pikachus are left at the Pokemon center sorry I forgot to mention that!
FC: 2449 2088 5551

Joshua's PokePet

Swampert the level 90 Swampert!
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
Please try not to double post unless you're posting another chapter. Mind you, your story does have mechanical problems. A little bit confusing and just thrown all over the place. Some grammar errors here and there easily fixed if you could type this up in Word or something to fix some simple errors. Well, I do hope you can improve after reading this thread. I can't give too much advice since I'll just be repeating what Hanako Tabris just said, but please do show some effort the next time, okay?

Pocket Monsters Special!

Gummy

by fire be P U R G E D

Age 30
Male
Brooklyn, NY
Seen December 26th, 2013
Posted October 26th, 2013
4,518 posts
16.3 Years
If aren't going to add any more chapters, this will most likely get closed. And I don't get what you mean by Good reviews? I always take Hanako Tabris' reviews as good and really appreciate them. Alana's review is just as good too. Although not every message here is a review, a lot of them do contain suggestions (For example, asking to make things more clear). Unless you mean good by people saying nice things to you. Now, here's my advice: Go read some other well known fic (I really reccommend The Legendarian Chronicles) and see how expert authors write. Maybe even check Serebii out where they have more on-going fics. When you're comfortable, either write a new fic or write a revised version of this one. Also, from what a reviewer told me before, you chapters shouldn't consist of mostly dialouge. Just try adding a little description to it.


Monotype Fire Challenge