Age 28
Male
Somewhere over the rainbow
Seen February 24th, 2016
Posted February 24th, 2016
3,252 posts
16.3 Years
This is My First Fan fic...hmmm....I'm not sure if it will be good or bad...but i'm certain that there will be some spelling and grammar errors XD okay...here it is!Please Rate and review!

Chapter 1:

"What!?" The Scream was heard all over the class. "Jeez Saori, You didn't know that today was the Math Exam?"says Kali, while brushing her Vulpix on her lap. The Vulpix seems annoyed.

Saori is known to for being forget-me-girl but she was also known for being neat at everything."Saori, I pity you....I pity you that you didn't even study this lunch" says Mika.

Kali and Mika was Saori's Bestfriend.Kali has been known for neat hair, and Mika has been known as a A+ Student.

"Well atleast Mr. Smith is still not here." said Kali

"Well Mr. Smith wasn't still here 15 minutes ago." Mika said

"That gives me time to Study!" Saori exclaimed

Saori starts to browse her notebook.

---After 35 minutes---

"Okay Class, Go home early!" says the Substitute Teacher

"That Math Test was Hard!"

"I agree with you Kali, well see you guys tommorow!"

"Okay, Mika be Careful!"says the two girls

"Well then, what are you gonna do tonight?"

"Uh...nothing much, You--Oh no! look! There's a Persian up on the road and the trucks gonna hit it!!"

"I'm going to saved it!"

"No! It's too late!,If you call on your Pokemon It will be a waste of time! What are you gonna do? Go on a saved it?"

"Yes! If I have to!"

Then Saori swooped down and saved the Persian from the truck.

"Saori, Are you Okay?

"Yeah, I'm Fine. How about you Persian?"

"Thank you for saving me, Little Girl. May Arceus bless you!"

"That Persian Talk!"

"You must have hit on the head Saori, Don't worry I'll be with you until you go home"

"I didn't bump my head?"

"Why did you say that Persian talk?"
Stop the cycle of hate!
Wondertrade version-exclusives Pokemons or rare Pokemons
NOT Bunnelbies or Elemental Monkeys!
If you appreciate what you got in trade, O-Power the person!
Shout "Nice" to the person whom you traded to!
Together WE can stop the cycle of hate!
It doesn't hurt you to be nice or appreciative.
Don't be that underaged player who doesn't know better!
Good Pokemons to trade: Leftover breeds, Shiny Pokemon, Rare Pokemon, HA Pokemon, Dittos
FC: 4038-6797-4873. Flying-type with Doduo, Tranquil and Tropius.
Remember to tell me if you added me!
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Steel yourself for a review of hopefully epic proportions!

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As you mentioned in your author note at the beginning, your grammar and spelling need some help. To help with your spelling, you should type your story in a word processing program that has a spell-check. There are many free ones to be found over the Internet. (I personally use Microsoft Word, but I don’t know how available that is to you.) Using a spell-checker will catch your misspelled words. Because "best friends" is actually two words.

You also shouldn’t capitalise words in the middle of a sentence. Only proper nouns get capitalised in the middle of a sentence, like the names of people or places. And you should capitalise the first word of a sentence.

Don’t forget to punctuate sentences as well properly. Some of your sentences are missing full stops at the end of them, or you mis-punctuated dialogue.

"Well atleast Mr. Smith is still not here." said Kali
That’s what you have in your story. Now after "here" and before "said", you need to have a comma instead of a full stop because you are continuing the sentence. (You are describing how the dialogue was spoken.) So it should look as such:

"Well at least Mr. Smith is still not here," said Kali.
If you don’t have a dialogue tag, like "she said" or "he answered", then you have a full stop at the end of the dialogue, where you place the closing quotation marks. Though remember that it is the same with question marks and exclamation points. The dialogue tag remains uncapitalised because it is still part of the same sentence.

There are also verb tenses that are wrong. Like here:
"That Persian Talk!"
You need to have "talk" be in the past tense because the Persian talked in the past.

Don’t forget to have spaces between punctuation marks, when needed. Otherwise, everything just looks really cramped. And your readers might get confused just trying to read your words!

Ah, more information about the dialogue. When a new person speaks, you make a new paragraph. So your first paragraph of the chapter should actually be two paragraphs, split right at the beginning of Kali’s dialogue.

If you follow these simple-ish steps then more people will be willing to take a look at your story. It’ll look like you took the time to make it look presentable before releasing it to the public eye. Remember that if it appears if the author cares for the work, then the readers will care for it as well!

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Your description needs to be stepped up a bit too. I know nothing of what these characters look like. Sure, yeah, I know that Saori is a forgetful girl, but I really know nothing else about her. I don’t know what her school looks like, or her friends, or anything about her world!

Just some basic information about what the world around Saori looks like will be good. At least then, I can see what you see…or something close to it!

Another thing that you want to describe is the character’s emotions to what’s going on around them. Doing so will make your characters feel more human. You don’t just calmly react to everything, right? Well, your characters shouldn’t either!

Take for example when Saori and Kali find that Persian in the middle of the road. How do they feel? Scared, worried? And why does Saori feel that she needs to save it?

Here’s a little example of what I am talking about:
Saori felt her heart beat against her ribs. She couldn’t let that Persian get hit by a truck! Especially if she could stop it!

She didn’t even stop to think about her own safety. She ran off the curb and scooped up the Persian. It wasn’t until she nearly ran into the building on the other side of the street that she realised what she did.
It’s not the best example, but it kinda shows what I mean. Doing this immerses your reader into your story more, and that is always a good thing.

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One of the best pieces of advice I can give you is to proof-read your work! I know, I know. You might want to post your story as soon as it is done so that the public can see it. But they won’t be too happy if your story is riddled with errors. So take the time to make it the best that you can make it!

What proof-reading entails is taking the finished chapter and reading it over yourself. This way, you can spot errors, clear up confusing parts, add in scenes, or take out needless scenes. I feel that this process needs to be done sometimes. Heck, when a writer is putting words down on paper, they are so wrapped up in what the characters are doing than to care about spelling! And that is why writers proof-read!

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To help you out, let me direct you to a few important links here. These threads will help you out in your Pokemon writing "career".

Basic Pokémon Writing Guide v1.0 - This is a guide written by a few of the top writers here. It’s full of good advice.

Basic Pokémon Writing Guide v2.0 - This guide goes into more detail than the first version. It’s more organised though, so you can find information better. On the other hand, the first version contains examples.

Fanfiction Archive - This is where the cream of the crop fics go. If you read through them, you might learn something about writing. (And the stories here are really good as well!)

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That’s all I can say for now. I’ll be coming back to check in on your later chapters! Because I’m interested in how Saori can "hear" that Persian.

So keep on writing, and remember: It’s not about the reviews you receive, or how many you receive. It’s about how much fun you have writing your fic! ^^

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Male
Somewhere over the rainbow
Seen February 24th, 2016
Posted February 24th, 2016
3,252 posts
16.3 Years
thanks! I'll follow your Tips!
I hope I do better next time!
Stop the cycle of hate!
Wondertrade version-exclusives Pokemons or rare Pokemons
NOT Bunnelbies or Elemental Monkeys!
If you appreciate what you got in trade, O-Power the person!
Shout "Nice" to the person whom you traded to!
Together WE can stop the cycle of hate!
It doesn't hurt you to be nice or appreciative.
Don't be that underaged player who doesn't know better!
Good Pokemons to trade: Leftover breeds, Shiny Pokemon, Rare Pokemon, HA Pokemon, Dittos
FC: 4038-6797-4873. Flying-type with Doduo, Tranquil and Tropius.
Remember to tell me if you added me!