The Best Original Fic EVER! (Not)

Started by Scarlet Weather June 11th, 2007 6:26 AM
  • 1212 views
  • 9 replies
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Author's Note: I wrote this simply to make you laugh. And yes, it is supposed to be this short and stupid. Go figure.


The muscle-bound traveler slowly wandered along the thin, dirt path that wove among the splendiferous fields of green. His grim jaw, his scarred face, his unshaved stubble, and his creepy blond mullet made him a truly imposing figure....

(Here I stopped because I realized that in a story about a vampire army in the late eighteenth century, a guy with a mullet would be completely out of place. In order to rectify the situation, I mentally ran through every hairstyle I could think of, however, I realized I knew nothing about eighteenth century hair because all the guys back then wore funky wigs and top hats and such, and what would THEY be doing on a country road anyway? After many hours of deliberating, I deleted and rewrote the entire introduction, after which my parents appeared and forced me into bed. When I asked them which was more important, getting sleep or becoming a famous writer, my Dad threw a book at me. Thus, it took me twenty-four hours plus to finally return to my computer and resume my narrative.)

The British gentleman slowly strolled down the streets of London, his high-class air permeating all those around him. As the gas-lights burned, he walked, pretending as though he were the only one on the dark, filthy street. He was not- he was being followed. Yes, followed by a dark, grim presence, waiting to make itself-

(It was at this point that it came to me that for all I knew, gaslights had not been invented by the year 1799. After a few minutes deliberation, I resolved to change the setting to the nineteenth century, thereby avoiding and fatal anachronisms this early in the narrative. My problems thus solved, I was prepared to begin again my narrative before my parents called me up for dinner, after which I was dragged off with the family to watch my sister play the tuba at a school concert. It took me an additional twelve hours to finally prepare myself for the continuation of my narrative, after which I made my way to the computer, where I was horrified to discover that my youngest sister had gotten hold of the file, and done some interesting editing of her own. For the inquisitive reader, I have included a sample of her work,)

And then the prince and the princess ran to the castle, but the wicked witch saw them and ordered her army of dragons after them, but the princess revealed that she, too, was a powerful sorceress and possessed the mighty black materia, and called meteor, and the witch had to go on wikipedia to find out what meteor even was, after which they all screamed and blew up.

(I prudently deleted the entire work, and resumed my story of high adventure, drama, and blood.)

-known to its unknowing victim. Yes, he was a foul creature of the night, stalking the populace and terrorizing the city with his foul brood. His face was livid and white, his arms were thin and whip-like, and his lips were bloody-red. His foul breath reeked of decay, and-

(Here my narrative was forcibly drawn to a close because I realized that I didn’t want to write anymore, and would much rather be playing Final Fantasy, or something. Therefore, I deemed the whole thing a waste of time and energy, and quit.)

Author’s Note: Parties having an excess of unwasted time and/or energy may send it to the publisher and receive a nominal fee for their services.

x x x x

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Um...

To Jimmy: It's a bit of a fanfic I wrote during my off-time. The idea was based on Mark Twain's short story "Political Economy", which involves a man writing an essay on political economy getting interrupted every five minutes by someone who wants to put lightning rods on the writer's house. I just wanted to try my hand at that particular literary device, and when it was finished, I posted it here, since the section is practically dead already outside of poetry. 0_o

FAMOBR: Um... thanks. XD

CWTAP: HOW DARE YOU NOT COMMENT ON MY FIC! I BANISH YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH! *Points dramatically*

Okay, seriously, sorry about that. It would have been nice to have a more detailed review though, even if everyone thought I was an idiot.

x x x x

Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
I did laugh. XD

Anyway, I guess you're still one of the few people who remain creative and original with your works throughout the section. I liked the concept and the narrative structure. It's such a fun write, though I don't seem to relate to the ending much. It's rather, erm, spontaneous, more than everything else in there. XD Overall it's a good piece, but hey, I guess not much can be said about it, since it's very brief.

Nice fic.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
IT ISN'T FINISHED!

Part the Second: Writing about Cheese in English class

Shortly after I completed playing Final Fantasy VII, and was about to reemerge from my domicile to resume my vampire narrative, I remembered that my English teacher had told everyone to write a paper describing cheese over the summer. Not wanting to dissapoint her, I quickly ran through everything I knew about cheese and proceeded to type the following report:

Ah yes... cheese. It is the spice of life. Through cheese, mankind has attained its greatest accomplishments: Pepperoni Pizza, Greek Mythology, the almighty Spork, and the insanity fanfiction genre. Yes, cheese has been a driving force behind nearly every corporate takeover, every government coup, and the groundless theories of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

When discussing cheeses, it is easy to tell a trained proffesional from a layman by asking them the simple question "What is cheese made of?". Should the subject attempt to tell you that cheese is a by-product of milk, and is produced in factories using machinery, this person is not to be trusted. The true meaning of cheese goes far deeper then that, far enought that only one truly dedicated can follow it.

Yes, the true make-up of cheese can be expressed in one word, and that word is "yellow". Think about it- when was the last time you saw cheese that was not at least
tinged with yellow? However, some morons have gotten it into their heads that yellow is not the essence of cheese, but merely a common cheese pigment. Always remember that these people are dead wrong, for to them cheese is merely a food, and not the ultimate stage of existence, as any respectable citizen may tell you. Certain sects of radical Buddhists even consider cheese to be the final life a person can reach before they attain nirvana. While their views are slightly extreme, they are not far off.

Throughout history, great thinkers have bowed before the mighty and great power of cheese. Shakespeare once stated, in his play
Macbeth, the title of which is a reference to Beth of Macintosh, the lady who sold him his first wheel of the revered substance, that "All is but cheese". In that same dramatic work, he referenced cheese yet again, in the famous line "Off, darn spotlight!". The reference here is impossible to catch without close scrutiny, but close investigation reveals that since the actor no longer wants the spotlight, it must therefore fall to someone superior- and what, indeed could be more superior then cheese?

A myriad of other intellectuals have also bowed before cheese's power. Caesar, who inspired the famed salad, which is intended to be eaten with bleu cheese dressing. Homer, whose eighty-seventh book of the Iliad is entirely dedicated to the praise of cheese. J.R.R. Tolkien, who was eating a cheese sandwhich with a friend the night he was inspired to write
The Hobbit, and later the Lord of the Rings, Both highly succesful literary works in their own right, though no literary work measures up to the standards set by cheese.

Brian Jacques, a popular children's author, has been known to all as a veritable worshiper of cheese- indeed, in his popular
Redwall series, the woodland heroes hardly ever have a meal that does not include cheese. Of cheese, he has said "I believe that cheese should be an integral part of all children's stories: it nurtures them, and causes their minds to grow. All cheese is, and all it will ever be, is the true subject of my works.

Cheese is also recognized in pop culture, as Mozart's two-hundred-and-seventy-fifth symphony, "An ode to cheese", was later found by Nobuo Uematsu and rearranged into one of the most succesful songs in all video games, "One-Winged Angel".

In short, cheese is all that is in existence. All that is, or was, or ever will be, one day will become cheese. Therfore, take warning all who do not heed cheese's call! It will not wait forever for you to accept it as ruler of the universe!!!


Disclaimer: Practically everything written here is false- that much is fairly obvious. I just thought I'd come out and say that all those quotes were made up now, before Mr. Jacques' lawyer sues me.

x x x x

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Let's see... since I'm bored, I'm going to add something to this already insane story. Let me be pointed here- nothing in this chapter should be accepted as fact. In fact, nothing here should be accepted as fiction either. A mod should probably lock this story and temp-ban me for spamming this section with it. (DON'T! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! NOT REALLY!)

Anyway, for those of you with short attention spans and high adrenaline levels, here's the latest installment:

I swear this is true by me own three eyes.

It has taken me over a year to finally return to my computer. It is at last time for me to resume my vampire tale! Yes, I have triumphed against the feared witch known as "Mary-Sue", the deranged fiend "Wrytear's Blocck", and the dreadful slob known as "Thapay"! Now, once and for all, I shall bring my dreams to fruition and conquer the world! Once again, all shall tremble in fear of my iron pen! Yes! Yes! Ye- what is that? I'm sorry, I shall have to take this phone call first, but worry not. I shall return to this computer momentarily!

......

What's this? The vampire story my silly older brother has been getting so excited about? Ha! It's complete trash! More like a rubbish heap then a work of fine literature really. Let's see... alright, it's in the recycle bin. Now just right click the bin and select empty... oh wait, that's him coming back. I'd better distract him. Be back in a hurry.

.....

I can't believe it. My little sister swore she just saw Brian Jacques jump off the roof of our house and run away with my vampire story! Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't believe her at all, as she's a dreadful fibber, but the story is completely missing from the file, and I know my little sister would never be quite stupid enough to delete it, the idiotic jumble of words she wrote in the first chapter notwithstanding. I'd better go chase after him, even if I am a firm admirer of Mr. Jacques- after all, he writes consistently, and has great taste in cheese. If you'll excuse me, I shall return in a moment.

.....

Ha! That got rid of him! Yep, my brother's easier to trick then a... then a.... then a bird! Yeah, easier then a bird! I guess that makes him a birdbrain! Ha! Birdbrain, that's B-I-R-D-brain! I mean, that is just about the dumbest trick ever, and he fell for it! "Brian Jacques ran off with your story" indeed. Ha! I've never even heard of Brian Jacques except when he was mentioned in passing during the second chapter in that essay on cheese! Speaking of that essay, I should probably get rid of that too. I mean, no self-respecting teacher would ever accept that lump of rubbish. It's a full half-page about cheese, for heaven's sakes! Cheese! Cheese, cheese, cheesey-cheese! I just like saying cheese! Cheese, cheese, cheese- oh, poopy, brother's back. Did you catch that mean Mr. Jacques, big brother? No, I suppose you didn't. He's quite fast for an old geezer. What do you mean, you need to borrow my bike? No, you can't, it's mine. Get your own bike. You mean he stole yours? Did he really? What do you mean, I told you that? No I didn't! You just think he did! Your bike is behind the old woodshed. Go get it! Go on!

Well, that's better. Now I can finally focus on my ultimate goal: getting revenge on my brother for deleting my super-cool-awesome-special-fudge-coated-triple-chocolated-dipped story. I am so gonna blast him into oblivion, even if I did delete his story first. Come on, let's see, where's that cheese essay... did he save it on the hard disk? No, he must have kept it in a floppy disk. Let's see, first I'll search through them. Is it in this one? Nope, that's Dad's recipes. How about that one? Or that one? Eh- this one has brother's handwriting on it! Got it, this is the one then. Alright, let's load it.

Come on, load up already....

That's better. Now it's completely loaded. Now, which one- hold on. There are, like, a million folders on this thing! Now I have to search through every single folder and look for it. Maybe I should rule out a few first, though. Let's see, "Final Fantasy Tracks"? No. "Shakespeare Quote Dictionary"? Nuh-uh. "Encyclopedia of incredibly long and sophisticated sounding words?" Nope. Oh wait, what's this? "Top ten manga-babes"? Jeez, brother's such a perv! Oh wait, maybe this one... or that one... or this one over here. Finally, got it! Oh wait, this is just his backup. Well, I'll delete that too. Hah, take that! I have the power. Now just it bit longer...

Um, big brother, how long have you been standing there looking over my shoulder?

What do you mean, "The whole time"?

Oh, you mean Brian Jacques lives in England?

Oh... poopy.

x x x x

Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
The third chapter just wins for having a Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series quote in it. :> So this is just super special awesome.

Congratulations, ACC, for writing this...whatever you want to call it. It's just pure fun to come here and read this and see mirrors of my own life in this.

Oh...poopy. I wish to see more of this...whatever you want to call it.

So is that why they say to "Behold the power of cheese?"

Avatar credit: Fairy
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
The third chapter just wins for having a Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series quote in it. :> So this is just super special awesome.
Why thank you. I muchly hearted this chapter as well.... and I didn't really mean to make an abridged series reference. It's more that "Super-Special-Awesome" is something my real sisters would say then a hilarious video reference.

Congratulations, ACC, for writing this...whatever you want to call it. It's just pure fun to come here and read this and see mirrors of my own life in this.

Oh...poopy. I wish to see more of this...whatever you want to call it.
No problem! I have a feeling that more of this... whatever it is.... is on the way. I typed up the second and third chapters on the spot, and immediately posted them, so more won't be all that hard, as long as I keep getting brilliant ideas.

So is that why they say to "Behold the power of cheese?"
Yes, of course it is! Duh! *rolls eyes*

x x x x