my adventure through the pokemon world

Started by .Eevee-Chan June 12th, 2007 5:33 PM
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  • 10 replies
Female
Seen July 20th, 2016
Posted July 10th, 2015
1,467 posts
16 Years
chapter 1: as angelica woke up from a slight breeze,she thought 2 herself what starter would she choose. she decided on piplup. she then went 2 comb her black hair and wash her face 2 wake op. as she walked down the stairs she yawned ans said,"Goodmorning Mom!!"[her dad died] she quikly ate breakast then went outside to begin her journey!!
Female
Seen July 20th, 2016
Posted July 10th, 2015
1,467 posts
16 Years
chapter 2: as she walked she found a washed up feebas at their local lake. she ran holding it and reached the pokemon center. Angelica," Nurse Joy i found this weak feebas wasde up!!" "Please help it!!" Nurse Joy took feebas and 15 minutes passed and feebas was okey!!! she decided 2 go with feebas as her starter and begin a life long friendship with it!!! Nurse Joy had put it in a plastic bag with water 4 it 2 be easier 2 carry.Angelica,"Thans Nurse Joy!!" Nurse Joy,"no problem,when a pokemon is in need we family of nurses are here 2 help!!" Angelica then went to Sandgem and met Proffeser Rowan. he gave her a pink pokedex then 5 pokeballs. Rowan," What starter do u think u want?" Angelica,"No offense professer but can i go with this feebas instead?" Rowan,"ok and here's a pokeball 4 it aswell then."Angelica,"i knew u would understand!!" well, i will go call my mom to let her know""Mom,i know u wanted me 2 get piplup ,but i came across thir feebas ans nursed it back 2 health and chose it as my starter"mom,"that is ok!!" "You only have 1 life so live your dream out!!" she walked out of the lab heading Jubilife 2 enter the next contest with her pokemon!!
Female
Seen July 20th, 2016
Posted July 10th, 2015
1,467 posts
16 Years
chapter 2: as she walked she found a washed up feebas at their local lake. she ran holding it and reached the pokemon center. Angelica," Nurse Joy i found this weak feebas wasde up!!" "Please help it!!" Nurse Joy took feebas and 15 minutes passed and feebas was okey!!! she decided 2 go with feebas as her starter and begin a life long friendship with it!!! Nurse Joy had put it in a plastic bag with water 4 it 2 be easier 2 carry.Angelica,"Thans Nurse Joy!!" Nurse Joy,"no problem,when a pokemon is in need we family of nurses are here 2 help!!" Angelica then went to Sandgem and met Proffeser Rowan. he gave her a pink pokedex then 5 pokeballs. Rowan," What starter do u think u want?" Angelica,"No offense professer but can i go with this feebas instead?" Rowan,"ok and here's a pokeball 4 it aswell then."Angelica,"i knew u would understand!!" well, i will go call my mom to let her know""Mom,i know u wanted me 2 get piplup ,but i came across thir feebas ans nursed it back 2 health and chose it as my starter"mom,"that is ok!!" "You only have 1 life so live your dream out!!" Angelica walked out of the lab heading Jubilife 2 enter the next contest with her pokemon!!
Female
Seen July 20th, 2016
Posted July 10th, 2015
1,467 posts
16 Years
chapter 3: Angelica made it 2 Jubilife City with feebas as her starter pokemon.When she entered the city,she saw a sign saying a contest was in town so she decided two practice her appeal moves so she can win the contest. She called out feebas and said,"Use um let's see what moves you know"She checks her pokedex and scand feebas and it knows the attacks splash,flail,and water pulse. she had and idea 4 a good appeal that might empress the judges.she told feebas two use water pulse into a forn of a circle and jump throughit and reap[et the process. It did it perfectly!! happy with joy she entered the contest.she was given the number 15 and was next in line.when it was her turn she did what the practiced at and out of 20 got a 14.00[a low score]she sulked in a nearby chair hoping she had made it. the pictures were up........ she had made it, but in last place!! she was against a young boy named Andy.He had a magikarp that was so strong with two attacks it fainted her feebas!! magikarp then started glowing and evolved into a powerful gyrados!!!she sadly went off the stage and see if he would win and he did with a hyper beam.Andy was given the ribbon,and as he left the building saw Angelica leaving the contest.he ran up two her and said,"Great battle!!!"ha released his newly eolved gyrados out of the pokeball and told me to send out my feebas. i sent it out and it seemed like his gyrados and my feebas liked eachother!!!! Andy,"I noticed my Gyrados was sad from its win and thought that it liked your feebas ans i was right!!!" so want to travel together?" he asked "yeah!! it will be fun!!" so as they began to walk to the next pokemon contest in Florama. has Angelica found a new rival in her contests or a perfect match?
In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
In the immortal words of Yuffie Kisagari, "Oh. My. GAWD."

What in the name of all that is sacred were you thinking? This is a FANFICTION section, not a "Throw whatever you want together" section. Your fic is so messed up in terms of grammar I can't even begin to read the second chapter to tell you if the plot is as atrocious. (I realize I'm beginning to sound like Simon Cowell at this point, but you get the idea.)

Let me give you seven suggestions that will undoubtedly improve this fic:

1. Space out your paragraphs. Begin a new paragraph during each scene change and each time a speaker changes.

2. Don't forget to capitalize proper names such as names of people, places, and species of Pokemon, as well as the word "Pokemon" itself, the letter "I" when it is used as a noun, and the first word of each sentence- but I assume your English teacher told you this much?

3. Leave the chatspeak in the IM areas and chatrooms, that's what God invented it for.

4. Describe the setting, characters, important objects, etc. in an interesting and thorough way without actually interrupting the flow of the narrative. A good example of a fanfic that does this well would be "Faye" by Alana, or better yet, "A Midsummer Knight's Dream", which is located in the archive section.

5. For the love of Pete, add some proper punctuation!

6. Remember to use spellcheck. There is a handy spellcheck located in Microsoft Word, and if you don't have that, quite a few internet toolbars have one too, I believe. Alternatively, you could ask someone to read over your work and check for mistakes before posting.

7. Remember to write out the words "One", "Two", etc., instead of the numbers when expressing specific quantities.

Please, pay attention to this message- and go read the rules of the fanfiction section and the fic writing guide. You need to.

x x x x

Female
Seen July 20th, 2016
Posted July 10th, 2015
1,467 posts
16 Years
chapter 4: they set up camp for the night and Angelica left her sleeping bag at home!! Andy then offered his and said she can keep it because she might need it through their travel.Angelica then blushed and covered her face to cover the bright pink she was turning.he got leaves from a nearby tree and gathered them into a pile and laid down on them.they both gazed at the stars and they both recited the same poem randomly!!they looked at eachother and gazed upon their eyes.they "accidentaly" touched eachothers hand and their lips touched eachoter and kissed until they both noticed what they were both doing.he then said,"what are u doing to me!?"[fake!! he liked it]she stammered and just went to sleep.

well i think that was my best chapter!!! a love chapter!!

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Yeah, you're obviously not paying any attention to the feedback, so...*Reports*

As has been said: this does not meet the criteria of fanfiction or - to be honest - legible English. :\ Please read the sticky threads in the Writers' Lounge and put some effort into your writing.
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