Chikara

ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ

Age 31
Female
Missouri, why? ◉◡◉
Seen April 11th, 2021
Posted March 27th, 2021
8,284 posts
18.6 Years
Ok, This is a completely original story created by me. I'm on chapter three now, but I'll post that later on. I put the definition of Anecdote on because some people just don't get what and Anecdote is, and I liked the wording of this one. So yeah, enjoy! And constructive Criticism only, please. I'm not THAT good of a writer.. And don't complain that I left you in the dark at the end, there's more to come, believe me.

T
he Untold Anecdote of Ayumi Satoi


Anecdote (plural an·ec·dote) n
somebody's account of something: a short personal account of an incident or event


Chapter One

“How could I even begin to explain how badly things can turn out? Especially when you don’t even know it’s happening. Well for me, that’s not the case. Because I saw what happened that night. The only bad thing is… I can’t remember half of it. Ha, that gave me a few glares from me lawyers.” I was stalling, and I could tell that my defense attorney knew. And yet, he didn’t stop me.

His name was Go Futomi. He was a little on the plump side, but it suited his take-it-easy personality. He was the only lawyer who would take my case, and personally I thought he had to be a little strange. No one knew what happened that night. But the way it happened, I was automatically pinned for the blame.

I was caught up in my thought, and didn’t notice that I’d stopped talking. Go had stood up, and was rubbing his head. “So, I’m sure you don’t mid if I get this straight. I understand it might be heard for you to hear.” I nodded, but in reality, I didn’t care. He could recite all he wanted. It wouldn’t make a flick of a difference.

“Exactly…” He checked his watch. “Almost exactly a week ago, you say you witnessed a murder, and blacked out because of what you saw. Because of this blackout, you can’t remember exactly what you saw going on, and you can’t remember who you saw doing it.” He paused, and looked at me. I just nodded. He rubbed his head. “Well, Ayumi, I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Another witness walked by just as you woke up, so it looked like you committed the murder.”

I looked down. I wasn’t very sure what to think. I knew that the law would find some way to pin this on me, and they did it. “We may have lost before we even get started..” Go muttered, slumping into a chair at the dining table behind Ayumi. She didn’t even move.

There was a long pause before I finally asked, “Who saw me there?”.

There was another pause, and Go checked files for the name. “Some person named Hirai Satomura. She lives a couple blocks away from here.

“Will she be testifying?” I asked, getting tense.

“Of course. The prosecution always gets to the witness before the defense even gets the idea of it.”

As I thought. Nothing was working out. Not for me, not for Go, even the case was a waste of time. There was no evidence that I didn’t do it. I’m positive that Go wouldn’t let me check the crime scene because I’m a potential culprit.

“This--” I was interrupted by someone at the door. Go smiled.

“That’ll be the police. They’re later than usual.” He answered the door, smiling still. I didn’t know what that stupid smirk of his was all about, but it didn’t matter to me in the least at this point. “Hello officers! To what do I owe this visit?” Go asked happily, as if he was answering the door to his own home.

One of them held up a photo. Most likely of me, but I couldn’t see form this angle. “We’re looked for this person. Her name is Ayumi Satoi, she’s the prime suspect in a murder case.” I cringed. I didn’t like how that sounded. Using my name, prime suspect, and murder in the same statement. The feeling was horrible.

Go nodded. “Well if I hide her, that’ll only get me into trouble,” He shifted his weight, and held out a hand. “I’m her lawyer, nice to meet you.”

The one without the picture shook it, smiling, and the picture one made a face and smacked his hand away. “You mush think you’re pretty daring to take on such a pointless case. The outcome is obvious.” He craned his head, and saw me sitting the couch, and smiled.

“Ah! There she is! We’ll just be taking her, and leave.”

“The way you say that you sound like kidnappers.” Go said, his smile faded, and he was looking at them with an eye closed.

“Don’t be stupid! We’re cops! She’s a killer! She’s going into custody. You can see her at the detention center later!”

Go stared for a few seconds, then sighed. He let his smile come back as he asked for their names. The cop with the picture was about to answer, but the other one nudged his side, hard, and told Go their names.

“I’m Tetsuya Masaki. This one is Isaru Yamato.” He explained.

It took a while for Go to finally speak. “Ah, fine. By all means, take her along with you. Questioning might help our case a little..”

Tetsuya smiled, and gave a little salute. “Will do!” He said, kind of prancing into the house, over to me. He bent down so he could say ‘hello’ but ended up staring.

“What?” I asked, a little surprised at how out of it he seemed.

“Nothing! Nothing. Just make it easy on yourself, and stand up. You need cuffing.” He said, standing up straight, and motioning for me to stand as well. I did it, and turned around. I looked at Go while Tetsuya put the cuffs on me. He was in deep thought, and didn’t notice my staring. I did notice Isaru sigh and become agitated.

“Are we done over there, Tetsuya? Hurry up!” He said, putting his hands on his hips. Tetsuya just laughed, and put his hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t worry about him. He’s just bitter because I was assigned as his partner and he didn’t have a say in it.” He explained quietly. I could barely hear him, so all I got was “Don’t… assign… say.” I nodded anyway, acting as if I HAD heard him. “I’ll bet you’re wondering why I was staring at you. It’s cause I don’t think you did it. You seem like a nice girl, I can tell by your eyes.”

I didn’t react to that. It was a stupid and ridiculous thing to say. You can’t tell things about people just by looking at their eyes. I shook the very idea away, and began walking toward the door because I thought Tetsuya would choose to anger his partner more than he already had by standing there even longer.

Whatever happened from here on out was up to Go. Or so I thought. I was about to find out more about that night than I ever imagined possible.
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
The only thing I could reccomend at this point is further description on characters. A 'cop, a suspect and an attorney' isn't good enough for me. Try make the reader dig deeper into picturing the physical reactions of the characters, as you already showed you do fairly well with dialogue and narration.

Also, although this is not exactly necessary(take is as a might-be), It'd be nice to see a less technical narration as you seem to be able to make use of a wider vocabulary and in consequence you might consider applying a slightly indiscrete metaphoric feel to the piece.

It already has enough elements to be considered a good start, now try to make it go excellent.
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