Pokemon Diamond: The Narrative

Started by bribri121212 June 26th, 2007 5:32 PM
  • 708 views
  • 8 replies
Seen March 9th, 2011
Posted March 9th, 2011
40 posts
16 Years
ANY FEEDBACK OR SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME

Background: Before i start the "story" I'm going to start by telling everyone i am not using any of the three starters. I bred myself a Cubone egg and sent it over along with a starly holding TM28 dig(so he will have a move to use.) This story will not use the generic Luxray/starter 3rd form/ garchomp/ etc. party. i will try to make the party abstract, and have more than six pokemon i use through the game, jsut to keep it interesting for any readers i may obtain. I'll start the story off as soon as i hatch the cubone on foot XD

Finally done!
The Beginning

I walked through the grass with my newly hatched cubone, which had been a gift from my mother. I was given a Piplup from Professor Rowan as well, but i felt bad keeping another person's pokemon so i released it. I recieved 5 pokeballs from dawn after she showed me how to catch a pokemon. Just then, a wild bidoof appeared. I launched a dig attack at it and it was severly weakened. I threw a pokeball, and it was caught. I then ran into a starly, knowing that my ground attack of dig would be no use, i ran for the time being. I trained my Cubone fighting Shinx until he grew to level 7, he then learned Bone club. I stopped training cubone and switched to bidoof, who will be used to fight starlys until i can find a replacement. After catching a shinx using my bidoof, i figured i would catch a starly of my own. After some walking, i found a starly to battle. I weakened down a starly with bidoof and threw a pokeball. It broke free! I tried once more. This time, the pokeball laid still, and my starly was caught. I walked back to the sandgem pokecenter to rest and save.

First checkpoint.
Pokemon Caught:5
Pokemon Seen: 5
In Party:
1: Cubone Level 7
2: Bidoof Level 6
3: Shinx Level 5
4: Starly Level 2

I left the pokemon center and headed north. I met with my first trainer battle. He sent out a Level 5 Starly, so my cubone was useless. I sent out my bidoof, but it was defeated after three quickattacks. I followed up with my starly, who got a critical hit and defeated starly. MY starly grew to level 4. I then headed onward and ran into another trainer. She sent out a bidoof level 3, i used my cubone. I used bone club on the bidoof. Most of its HP was taken away, but it survived. It hit my cubone with tackle to do two damage. I then fainted it with another bone club. Her next bidoof met the same fate as the first, in the same fashion. My cubone grew to level 8. I then encountered yet another trainer, but this one had nothing but a shinx. Being that ground attacks were super effective against shinx, i sent out cubone and used bone club for a one hit KO.I headed up into Jubilife city and saved and rested at the pokemon center.

Checkpoint two
Seen:5
obtained:5
Party:
1. cubone level 8
2. Bidoof level 6
3. shinx level 5
4. starly level 4
Age 30
Seen January 25th, 2022
Posted January 6th, 2021
1,584 posts
15.9 Years
You're missing a lot of description.. also, don't put the first, second, third checkpoint.. If readers were paying attention, they'd know who was in your party.

Also, for a new trainer, I don't think their Pokemon should be having one hit KOs yet.

I suggest looking at the Pokemon writing guides here and working more on this.

Gummy

by fire be P U R G E D

Age 30
Male
Brooklyn, NY
Seen December 26th, 2013
Posted October 26th, 2013
4,518 posts
16.3 Years
I'd just like to add to what diamondpearl said:

This isn't even a fic. This post doesn't belong here, let alone the Diamond/Pearl thread. Not ony should you read the guides, but you should read some of the on-going fic and see how experienced writers write. Also, NEVER include levels in a fanfic. It's just one of the rules that don't need a reason... just don't put them in.


Monotype Fire Challenge

Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Actually, Dragonfree's fic "The Quest For the Legends" uses levels for the Pokemon. But in her fic, they're just not levels. I don't know how she actually uses them in the fic because I haven't read it yet, but I do know that she uses them.

That said, there were a few problems with this fic. The first and basic problem is that your grammar needs to be improved. You should write a fic in a word processing program. It's a basic rule of writing a fic for posting on a forum. This way, you can see what mistakes you make and take your time writing the chapter.

What I can tell you now is that the pronoun for first person singular is always capitalized. So all those single little "i's" need to be capitalized.

The next problem with this is that there is no description. The battles that I read in your fic are not exciting because there is no description of what's going on. Oh, so Starly uses Quick Attack? What about "The small bird flapped its wings fast. Picking up speed, it dove from the sky, sharp beak pointed straight at Biddof." It's an improvement, adds more length and description of the creatures, and sounds more exciting.

Besides, with description, then your readers won't need checkpoints to remember what Pokemon the trainer has. Because it will be knowledge gained just by reading the narration. There's no need to remind your reader what just happened.

Also, what you could describe is your main character. A name would be nice, but really isn't needed. But feelings are needed. How does this new trainer feel stepping out into the world? How does this trainer feel when the Starly breaks free from the Pokeball? Take some time out and talk about the feelings!

Your best bet to get some good advice is to check out the Basic Writing Guide. There's some advice in there that's very helpful to writers of all levels.

Keep practicing at your writing.

Avatar credit: Fairy

Gummy

by fire be P U R G E D

Age 30
Male
Brooklyn, NY
Seen December 26th, 2013
Posted October 26th, 2013
4,518 posts
16.3 Years
ANY FEEDBACK OR SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME
Well, if you're going to start it off like that, what'd you expect? XD.

But seriously, I apologize if my post was a little harsh. I'm just really passionate about writing and it bugs me when fics like this clog this sorry excuse of a fan-fic section (if you didn't notice, this place is as dead as the RP section). If you're planning to continue this trainer-fic (I'm guessing that's what it is), try reading some of the really good fics in that genre. Also, by the way your "story" was going, it was just a basic retelling of the Pokemon games. You should try to add a little twist in the beginning and as the fic grows, it won't be just any old trainer-fic.


Monotype Fire Challenge

In a House
Seen March 20th, 2016
Posted January 22nd, 2010
1,823 posts
16.6 Years
Um.... am I the only one who realizes that what this is is Bribri playing through the actual game and then writing it down as things occur? That's why he had that whole thing at the beggining. Bri, sorry to tell you, but writing down everything you do in your game does not count as a fanfiction unless you start adding descriptions of attacks, developing your characters, adding stuff in that isn't necessarily in the games, etc.

Hanako_Tabris, in answer to your question about the lovely Butterfree/Dragonfree/Antialias's use of levels in fanfiction, in her fanfics levels are used more as a type of Pokemon IQ that happens to quantify strength rather then intelligence. And you should read her fic, at least once- I mean, she rewrites another chapter every, like, three days it seems. I kind of just want her to hurry the heck up and finish before I eat her, but...

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