*dances like the steel town girl that she is*
You did better on the dialogue! Great job there!
There really isn't anything major that I can teach you that'll help you improve mechanics-wise. So I'll just tell you about something else.
Don't feel bad that the last time you updated was five days ago. There's no need to rush your chapters. Take whatever time you need to write your chapters and be satisfied with them. Hey, if you don't like your writing, then why should other people, neh?
Also, don't forget that you really shouldn't post your chapter as soon as you finish it. This is because when you are typing/writing your chapter, you're too caught up in getting the story down. Why care about small typos when it's more important to move the plot along?
This is why I keep saying that you shouldn't forget to proof-read. Once you finish your chapter (after you celebrate a bit, of course) go back and read over your chapter. You know why? Because then you can catch your mistakes that you might have made as you were writing.
“Ash what are you doing! “ she shouted in frustration
See? Like here, you messed up your quotation marks and forgot the ending punctuation. I know that you know how to punctuate correctly because you did it through the rest of your chapter. It's not fair that these little mistakes should still exist. Knock them dead by going back and hunting them down by proof-reading.
You're getting better at spacing out your paragraphs. Start a new one whenever someone new speaks.
“Ash, are you alright?” Brock asked, he sounded concerned. Ash did not answer as his ears had picked up a strange sound. Brock asked him again if he was all right, this time he nearly shouted. Ash held his hand in front of him “Hysh.”
Goes to...
“Ash, are you alright?” Brock asked, he sounded concerned. Ash did not answer as his ears had picked up a strange sound. Brock asked him again if he was all right, this time he nearly shouted.
Ash held his hand in front of him “Hysh.”
After you paste your chapter into the reply box, hit "Preview Post". This way, you can see your chapter before anyone else does, and how it'll look when you do post it. Then you can catch all the areas where you need to hit the Enter button again. You hit it once, but you need to hit it again in some areas of your chapter. Consistency is the key.
And other than that, there's really nothing else I can really tell you. The rest is up to you.