Apologies, Mr_Plow7, for going off in a rant in your thread.
Originally Posted by Mmarzex
2. nobody wants to read a fic about a gay guy its just wrong
Wrong. You're wrong. Don't say that nobody wants to read a fic about a "gay guy", because there are people out there that do read and write fics concerning same-gender couples. And yes, some of these fics are in the Pokemon fandom, as this one is. So that was just wrong of you to say that, especially in a fic that is about a same-gender couple. If you don't like it, then you don't have to read it or respond to it. That's what the back button is for. But leave those of us who like this kind of fic alone.
Oi.
Hi. Let me get down to reviewing your fic.
First of all, there's the issue of your grammar. I think that someone else posted a review in one of your other stories about your grammar problems, so I don't have to cover that.
But I can let you know about description. See, romance fics require a special sort of description. You have to get across to the reader the character's feelings of love that they feel towards another character. You also should set a mood up through description when you reach the climatic part where the two characters come together. You know how the old movies do it, neh? The music becomes all sweet and sappy, and the characters stare dreamily at one another. Try to convey that through your writing. "He stared at the boy in front of him, taking in the tanned skin that was still soft to the touch even after years of traveling. Ash's deep chocolate eyes blinked up at his confused and pained face." See, that's a little bit of what I'm talking about.
Also, with description, you should talk about the feelings of the characters. Like, how does Brock feel when he sees Ash in trouble? "Brock whipped his head in the direction of Ash's voice. He searched in vain for the other boy's head. Spotting a dark spot on the ocean's surface, Brock didn't hesitate. He ran into the water. With each stroke that he took towards Ash, he prayed that he would get there in time."
Okay, that's what you need to work on. Grammar and description. Also try to keep the characters acting the way that they do in the show. Like mention how Brock was only flirting with all those beautiful girls to cover up his true feelings, or something of the sort.