Ohh, a Johto fic. Not many of these around anymore. Also, this is pretty good for your first fic to be honest.. and it's lengthy =)
Anyway, for your first paragraph:
1) Don't use 5ft10 in a story, or any numbers for that matter. Type them out. o_o; Just put "five feet, ten inches tall" or "roughly six feel tall" or something.
2) It's a big block of boring description. I'm not saying the character is boring, it's just that when it's crammed into one paragraph, most readers skip it, and you want people to read everything. Describe one thing at a time, in different paragraphs and I guarantee your readers will be able to picture him when you're done with every detail, because they will have read it.
Also, proof-read before you post.. Saw an error in like, the third sentence. "His long brown was spiked up at the back".... brown what? hair? pancakes? toast? I don't know.
One last thing: You start a new paragraph when someone new talks. Example:
. Sean knew something terrible had happened. He approached her, but she was inconsolable.
“CHARMANDER!” she kept repeating whilst tears streamed down her face.
“I’m so sorry! If only I was a better trainer I could‘ve…” Sean interrupted her, crouching down beside her he placed his hand on her shoulder.
“What’s wrong with Charmander?” he asked in a soft, gentle voice. Before she could reply it hit him, “Oh My God!” he exclaimed looking out of the window at the torrential conditions outside. “It’s not still…” he gulped.
And, um, so on. It makes it soooo much easier to read.
I look forward to future chapters.