Now, I'm not too sure about it so comments and criticism would be great
Ask, and ye shall receive. ;p
Adam Bank’s son, Daniel was ecstatic when he got to put his new pokemon egg on display.
To me, it would seem better if you had another comma after "Daniel".
They say it was supposed to be a very rare pokemon egg that no on else has ever seen.
It should be "no one".
However, about fifteen minutes before they closed up a working security guard witnessed a girl holding he damaged egg in her hands, and she attempted to flea the scene.
First one is "the", second is "flee". (The one you have is an annoying little bug.) Also, just for reference, in journalism, sentences are kept short.
“So, this is this is the big story huh? I remember hearing a bit about it on the news the other night, doesn’t look to good on Vikki’s part.” A young woman said as she set down the paper.
With dialogue followed by "said", "asked", or otherwise, a comma should be the punctuation before the closing quotation marks. Also, the first word after the closing quotation marks should be uncapitalized, as it is just a continuation of the sentence.
Her eyes were a deep azure and defiantly her best feature by far.
What you have, in general terms, means "rebelling". What you are looking for is "definitely".
But Rey, don’t you like “scandalous” cases?
Single quotation marks around words if they are in dialogue.
Jack exclaimed, overly enthusiastic.
Lulz...Where did Jack come in from?
Think about it Rey, please?” he then got up, straightened out his polo shirt and waved goodbye before walking away.
See, there. "He" should be capitalized because it doesn't modify the dialogue in any way. They are two separate sentences.
Plus, the cops told me they were sure no in their right mind would take my case and go against the Banks.
Again, "no one"
I love pokemon way to much to even think about harming a poor baby egg
Wrong word there. The one you are looking for is "too". It's hard to get the three homophones straight (To, too, two), especially the first two. xD
“Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this for you o?
It should be "okay".
One last note, make sure that you start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks. I saw this once in your chapter.
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This is certainly a change from the general trainer plot, so it is a refreshing read. I hope you continue it. I love a good mystery, and I want to read through the chapters picking up clues. And there's really not much else I can say on this with only one chapter posted.