Test and Trial

Started by Margot July 19th, 2007 7:44 AM
  • 742 views
  • 3 replies

Margot

some things are that simple

they/he
Seen April 16th, 2022
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,662 posts
17.3 Years
Wow, it's been quite some time since I've actually written anything ^^; So, I decided to try out this story idea! Now, I'm not too sure about it so comments and criticism would be great <3 However, I will start off by saying yes, it's a bit short for a beginning but I didn't want to revel too much right away. Enjoy!

Before I start, this story is rated PG.



Chapter one


Goldenrod City Times
Saturday, Mar. 23
The Egg Vandal Scandal

This month there was another pokemon collection presentation at the Banks Manor. Adam Bank’s son, Daniel, was ecstatic when he got to put his new pokemon egg on display. They say it was supposed to be a very rare pokemon egg that no one else has ever seen. However, about fifteen minutes before they closed up a working security guard witnessed a girl holding the damaged egg in her hands, and she attempted to flee the scene. Our sources were able to find out that this girl is local Goldenrod native, fifteen year-old Vikki Moore. She is currently being held for questioning. If she is found guilty, she will be held in trainer’s prison for: pokemon vandalism, ruining someone else’s property and leaving a crime scene. We give our deepest regrets to the Bank’s family and the poor pokemon that never was.


“So, this is this is the big story huh? I remember hearing a bit about it on the news the other night, doesn’t look to good on Vikki’s part.” a young woman said as she set down the paper. She was twenty-six years-old and had long blonde hair, which she kept up in a high pony tail. Her eyes were a deep azure and definitely her best feature by far. A simple white sweater and navy blue dress pants made up her outfit of choice for that chilly day. She was out to lunch at a super trendy café in the big city of Goldenrod. Coffee sweetened with crème, the daily paper and a centerpiece consisting of three roses covered her table. Sitting across from her was a slightly older, average looking man also eyeing the paper. He too had an ensemble of a white shirt and black khakis which accented his sophisticated style. He finally looked back up and sighed.

“Yeah, it does look pretty suspicious figuring she was alone at the time. But Rey, don’t you like “scandalous” cases? Why not take this one?” he asked, picking up his coffee and taking a sip so Rey could answer.

“It’s not “scandalous” Derrick, some rich boy just got his toy broken, big deal. It’s not like he would have cared for whatever was in that egg anyway.” Rey huffed as she smoothed out her hair behind her.

“Okay...but if it that egg wasn’t so important, then why all the fuss? I’m telling you, it probably is a big deal. This could be the big case to sky rocket your career!” Derrick exclaimed, overly enthusiastic. Rey didn’t look all that amused by his statement at all.

“I don’t need to work on some big case to help me out, I’ve already done some impressive stuff. Besides, being a trainer defense lawyer means I help out trainers who like their pokemon and need help.” She fought back defensively. Derrick finally put down his coffee that he had been refusing to let go of, and looked Rey in the eyes.

“What about this girl Vikki? What if she is really innocent? She got her self mixed up with some very powerful people and that means if she’s found guilty, she’s screwed. Think about it Rey, please?” He then got up, straightened out his polo shirt and waved goodbye before walking away. Uugh, why must Derrick always be such a drama king all the time? Rey thought as she pulled her cell phone out of her petit leather purse and dialed up a number. Someone on the other line instantly picked up.

“Good afternoon, this is Officer Jenny how may we help you?” the lady on the other line asked, sounding a bit rushed. Rey paused for a minute, remembering what Derrick had said about Vikki. “Yes hi, I’m Rey Langston, a trainer defense attorney and I was wondering if visiting hours were still open for Vikki Moore?”

“Ah yes, you still have a couple of hours to drop by and talk with her if you’d like.” the officer said, sounding a bit more casual. “Great, thanks for your time.” Rey finished as she snapped her phone shut. She took on last sip of her coffee before getting up and leaving to the station.


The police station was quieter today than usual; a few cops were out talking to other people while others were busy answering phones. When Rey walked in Officer Jenny came up and greeted her. “Hi there, you’re Rey Langston correct? Because Vikki is over at the fifth window and all you have to do is pick up the phone to talk to her.” She stated, clearly pointing out the obvious. Rey nodded and walked over to where Vikki was and sat down. On the other side was a young fifteen year-old girl with short layered blonde hair. Her bright and shiny hazel eyes held fear and anxiety, as did her face. Vikki looked up and scrunched her forehead ad if she was confused, which is when Rey motioned for her to pick up the phone.

“Hi...um, who are you exactly?” were the first blunt words out her mouth. Despite looking rather scared, she sounded pretty confident and had a lot of spunk in her voice.

Rey smiled and nodded, “Hi, I’m Rey Langston and I’m a trainer defense attorney and I would like to be your lawyer for this case. Now, I know that-“

“I accept!” Vikki announced happily and loudly; a big smile brimmed across her face making its way from ear to ear. Rey pulled the phone away from her ear to make sure Vikki was done before she continued.

“I’m sorry; did you say that you accepted? Don’t you want to get to know about me first before you agree to this?” Rey asked confused, she was glad that Vikki happily accepted but she still liked to brag about her accomplishments a bit.

“No, no it’s fine really. See, I didn’t even think that trainer attorneys existed so this is great! Plus, the cops told me they were sure no one in their right mind would take my case and go against the Banks. Everyone really thinks I did it...” her voice mellowed down to a whisper as she let her shoulders drop, tears slowly formed around the rims of her eyes and she remained quiet. Rey also kept her mouth shut and felt her heart sink for Vikki. She was grateful that Derrick had pushed her to take this case. Vikki wiped away her tears, looked back up and put the phone back to her mouth.

“I know...I know this looks bad but I didn’t do it. I love pokemon way too much to even think about harming a poor baby egg and I think whoever did do this has no heart at all.” She started again, Rey nodded and was about to ask a question when Vikki decided to continue on. “I saw a something weird on the egg and I wasn’t sure what it was so I picked it up. And that’s when it all fell apart on me, I was so shocked that I just dropped it and tried to run out of there.”

Rey perked up and smiled reassuringly. “Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this for you okay? And with that bit of information at least I have somewhere to start.” Vikki released a long breath of relief, though she didn’t look all that convinced.

I’m not stupid; I know the Banks are big people so I have to get her out of this mess. All I have to figure out is who else visited the showing the day of the vandalism and go from there.

This should be interesting…





Well there you have it with chapter one ^^ hope you enjoyed it <3
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Now, I'm not too sure about it so comments and criticism would be great
Ask, and ye shall receive. ;p

Adam Bank’s son, Daniel was ecstatic when he got to put his new pokemon egg on display.
To me, it would seem better if you had another comma after "Daniel".

They say it was supposed to be a very rare pokemon egg that no on else has ever seen.
It should be "no one".

However, about fifteen minutes before they closed up a working security guard witnessed a girl holding he damaged egg in her hands, and she attempted to flea the scene.
First one is "the", second is "flee". (The one you have is an annoying little bug.) Also, just for reference, in journalism, sentences are kept short.

“So, this is this is the big story huh? I remember hearing a bit about it on the news the other night, doesn’t look to good on Vikki’s part.” A young woman said as she set down the paper.
With dialogue followed by "said", "asked", or otherwise, a comma should be the punctuation before the closing quotation marks. Also, the first word after the closing quotation marks should be uncapitalized, as it is just a continuation of the sentence.

Her eyes were a deep azure and defiantly her best feature by far.
What you have, in general terms, means "rebelling". What you are looking for is "definitely".

But Rey, don’t you like “scandalous” cases?
Single quotation marks around words if they are in dialogue.

Jack exclaimed, overly enthusiastic.
Lulz...Where did Jack come in from?

Think about it Rey, please?” he then got up, straightened out his polo shirt and waved goodbye before walking away.
See, there. "He" should be capitalized because it doesn't modify the dialogue in any way. They are two separate sentences.

Plus, the cops told me they were sure no in their right mind would take my case and go against the Banks.
Again, "no one"

I love pokemon way to much to even think about harming a poor baby egg
Wrong word there. The one you are looking for is "too". It's hard to get the three homophones straight (To, too, two), especially the first two. xD

“Don’t worry, I’ll get to the bottom of this for you o?
It should be "okay".

One last note, make sure that you start a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks. I saw this once in your chapter.
-

This is certainly a change from the general trainer plot, so it is a refreshing read. I hope you continue it. I love a good mystery, and I want to read through the chapters picking up clues. And there's really not much else I can say on this with only one chapter posted.

Avatar credit: Fairy

Margot

some things are that simple

they/he
Seen April 16th, 2022
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,662 posts
17.3 Years
Poke_Master1, thank you ^^ I'm glad you liked it so far.

Hanako Tabris, thanks for helping me out :] I have to learn to really re-read things, and I can't beileve I still typed the word Jack XD I had changed character names mid into the story and I guess I forgot to get rid of it in that sentence! Thanks again and I'm glad you like the plot line so far ^^ I'll try to get the next chapter up soon.