Pokemon Diamond and Pearl - A New Beginning

Started by *xPokemon-Ninja-Girlx* July 19th, 2007 11:21 AM
  • 1411 views
  • 8 replies
Age 29
Seen November 22nd, 2007
Posted November 22nd, 2007
165 posts
15.8 Years
I think you all are not going to like it but I'm going to post it anyway. If this is spamming please tell me.

Chapter 1

a New Rival

It was a bright and sunny summer day in Twinleaf town as a young girl named Sakura Yamaguchi just turned 10 and that ment she was old enough to get her first Pokemon and go on her Pokemon journey. Sakura just woke up and felt so excited.

“Dear? Are you ready yet?” her mother asked from the bottom of the stairs.

“I'll be down in a minute mom.” Sakura said brushing her hair and then her teeth. She put on a pair of blue jeans and a white tank top.

Sakura ran down stairs putting her socks on and almost fell on the kitchen floor,

“Sakura you have plenty of time. Don't rush things.” her mother said helping her up.

“Mom I already picked out the Pokemon I want, I just want to hurry and get there before someone already gets it” Sakura explained slipping on her sneakers.

"Lux Luxray." said her mother's Pokemon Luxray laughing.

"Luxray, don't. Okay then what Pokemon did you choose?” her mom asked.

“I choose Chimchar.” Sakura answered with a little grin.

“Ah I see, the fire type. Well go on you don't want to miss your chance in getting your first Pokemon.” her mom said smiling. “Good luck hunny.” she added.

“Thanks mom!” she got her backpack and hopped onto her bike and started riding to Professor Rowan's lab.

Sakura was almost there when she turned her head to see a boy going the same way. The boy had brown hair and black eyes, wearing a blue t-shirt and blue pants.

“Hello. Are you going to Professor Rowan's lab too?” she asked. “I'm Sakura.”

“Yeah, name's Ryo.” he said putting his hands in his pokets.

“Nice meeting you Ryo.” Sakura said smiling happily as she got to the lab.

She stopped her bike and jumped off, Sakura and Ryo both walked inside and Professor Rowan was there watching his three Pokemon.

“You must be the new students.” he said turning around. “What are your names?” he asked.

“My name's Sakura.” Sakura answered.

“Ryo.” the boy said looking at the three Pokemon.

“Well you're here know so pick one of these three Pokemon, if you have already desided.” Professor Rowan said stepping out of the way.

“I'll choose Chimchar.” Sakura said smiling.

“Chim Char Chim!” the little fire Pokemon looked like a little baby ape. Chimchar jumped into the air happily and smiling as well.

“I'll go with Piplup.” Ryo said taking his hands out of his pockets and he looked at the water Pokemon.

“Pip Piplup.” Piplup said.

“Excelent choses, know that you have your Pokemon, here are your six Pokeballs, and your Sinnoh Region Pokedex.” Professor Rowan said handing them there items that they would need for there journey.

“Thank you Professor.” Sakura said taking her Pokedex and Pokeballs.

Ryo took his as well and said, “Hey want a Pokemon battle?” he asked putting Piplup in it's Pokeball.

“Sure!” Sakura said returning Chimchar to it's Pokeball as well.

The two walked outside and had there first battle,

“Go Piplup!” he shouted throwing his Pokeball in the air.

The same Pokemon from before came out of the Pokeball and landed on the ground.

“Go Chimchar.” Sakura shouted "Chimchar Scratch!" Sakura shouted

"Piplup Pound!" Ryo ordered.

The battle went on until Piplup was the first to faint.

"Yes go Chimchar!" Sakura said as Chimchar jumped into the air.

"Nice battle Piplup, return." he said returning Piplup to it's Pokeball.

"I guess this makes us rivals." Sakura said walking up to Ryo putting Chimchar on her shoulder.

"Yeah, I guess. Well I'm off to Oreburgh City, to get my first gym badge. So see ya later Sakura." Ryo said turning around and started walking down the road.

"Bye Ryo!" Sakura said waving good bye.

Ryo lifted up a hand as a small wave and continued down the path to Jubilife City.

"Well thank you for the Chimchar Professor Rowan. I'm off to go to my first Pokemon Contest." Sakura said waving good bye to the Professor and she started walking as well. "Let's take you to the Pokemon Center right know okay Chimchar?" Sakura asked.

"Chim!" Chimchar nodded its head.

to be continued......

How was it? I know it probably sucks to some of you.
We were at the beach ♪ ♪ Everybody had matching towels ♪ ♪ Somebody went under a dock ♪ ♪ And there they saw a rock ♪ ♪ But it wasn't a rock ♪ ♪ It was a rock lobster! ♪ ♪ Rock lobster! ♪ ♪ ROCK LOBSTER! ♪ ♪ ♪




Stewie: Die Loise!
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
I think you all are not going to like it but I'm going to post it anyway. If this is spamming please tell me.
I seem to feel that part of that is directed to me. XD; You should have more confidence in yourself. Aside from the basic mechanics issues that many people have a problem with, your story isn't all that bad.

But you know what? I enjoy this. Yes, I'll admit that you might be missing some description, like of the Pokemon battle between Chimchar and Piplup. (That's fine. It's fine. Pokemon battles are tricky things to describe.) I enjoy this because Sakura's rival isn't the blond boy that's in the game, or the male D/P hero. You're trying to make this story stand out, and I like that. (I can't speak for others, though. >>)

Look, I'll help you out like I did for someone else. I'll start off with one grammar or mechanic rule that you can improve on for your next chapter. It'll make your story better then. ^^

Right now, I'll just say that you should have more confidence in yourself. Don't let reviewers get you down. Some of them out there might try to make you feel so bad that you just want to give up. But you know, I don't want to see anyone give up because of a helpful review, which you'll find pretty much all the time here.

Take a peek at this thread. It's a writing guide suited for Pokemon fanfiction, but the advice in there is general enough to use elsewhere. Send me a PM if you have any questions at all about anything in that guide, or anything at all.

Good luck to you in your writing!

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
That story... Is starved.

You need to feed it a healthy amount narration AND description for it to become healthy. Readers will not able to fancy a single image if you keep avoiding those fundamental attributes. Right now it is merely monotone, but you've got a chance to improve if you actually take the time to portray what you're trying to write by narrating more often and roundly as well as making use of descriptions.

Then we go into a few details.

“Excelent choses, know that you have your Pokemon, here are your six Pokeballs, and your Sinnoh Region Pokedex.” Professor Rowan said handing them there items that they would need for there journey.
would be better off as

“Excelent choices. Now that you have your Pokemon, here are your six Pokeballs and your Sinnoh Region Pokedex.” Professor Rowan said, handing them the items that they would need for their journey.
and

It was a bright and sunny summer day in Twinleaf town as a young girl named Sakura Yamaguchi just turned 10 and that ment she was old enough to get her first Pokemon and go on her Pokemon journey. Sakura just woke up and felt so excited.
could be better as

It was a bright and sunny summer day in Twinleaf town, as a young girl named Sakura Yamaguchi had only just turned 10. That meant she was now old enough to recieve her first Pokemon and begin her Pokemon journey. Sakura woke up that day and felt very excited.
Ignoring the lack of description there, well, you could use more punctuation like commas and periods to avoid making sentences too lenghty and/or breathless. You're using the word 'just' too much, too.

Well, those are only two examples on aspects that I think your story is lacking. Take this in count and if you have the time also take a look at the guides in the lounge, like the one Hanako kindly linked you to. Good luck and I hope you improve.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Age 29
Seen November 22nd, 2007
Posted November 22nd, 2007
165 posts
15.8 Years
I'm really sorry for all the mistakes I made. I'll try to make chapter 2 much better than chapter 1 when I come back, and I'll also check my spelling as well.
We were at the beach ♪ ♪ Everybody had matching towels ♪ ♪ Somebody went under a dock ♪ ♪ And there they saw a rock ♪ ♪ But it wasn't a rock ♪ ♪ It was a rock lobster! ♪ ♪ Rock lobster! ♪ ♪ ROCK LOBSTER! ♪ ♪ ♪




Stewie: Die Loise!
Age 27
Seen November 10th, 2012
Posted August 13th, 2008
83 posts
15.7 Years
Hey, I saw something that I didn't find right in the story.

[QUOTE From story: Excelent choses, know that you have your Pokemon, here are your six Pokeballs, and your Sinnoh Region Pokedex.”

It should be; 'Excellent'. And: here are your 'five' Pokeballs

All the other problems are listed above. Other than these mistakes, your doing a good job.

Keep it up!!
Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
Hey, I saw something that I didn't find right in the story.

[QUOTE From story: Excelent choses, know that you have your Pokemon, here are your six Pokeballs, and your Sinnoh Region Pokedex.”

It should be; 'Excellent'. And: here are your 'five' Pokeballs

All the other problems are listed above. Other than these mistakes, your doing a good job.

Keep it up!!
he can have 6 pokeballs if he wants (0_o)

anyway the stories not bad its just a little...cliche...its like every other story out there and theres really nothing special about it that makes it stand out. a little more descirption surely wouldn't hurt...for example...

“Go Chimchar.” Sakura shouted "Chimchar Scratch!" Sakura shouted

"Piplup Pound!" Ryo ordered.

The battle went on until Piplup was the first to faint
it could use a bit mor description then what was actually used
Why, Yes
Chris Martin is my avatar.

Safari Type: Ghost
Shuppet, Dusclops, Phantump
PM for FC
Age 29
Seen November 22nd, 2007
Posted November 22nd, 2007
165 posts
15.8 Years
I'm not the greatest story writer so please don't nag me about these kind of things.
We were at the beach ♪ ♪ Everybody had matching towels ♪ ♪ Somebody went under a dock ♪ ♪ And there they saw a rock ♪ ♪ But it wasn't a rock ♪ ♪ It was a rock lobster! ♪ ♪ Rock lobster! ♪ ♪ ROCK LOBSTER! ♪ ♪ ♪




Stewie: Die Loise!
Age 30
Seen January 25th, 2022
Posted January 6th, 2021
1,584 posts
15.9 Years
I'm not the greatest story writer so please don't nag me about these kind of things.
We are not nagging. We're trying to help you. You should actually feel.. honored, because not many people actually point out those things. They'll just say your story is good, or your story sucks... with no further details, and they look like idiots.

Don't post your story if you're not looking for reviews. A part of reviewing is telling what you could improve on. There's just not that many who bother to do so. z_z