Mystery Dungeon-Anime Fan-Fic

Started by Sweet Candace July 22nd, 2007 6:12 AM
  • 701 views
  • 1 replies

Sweet Candace

So Awesome! /)^ɛ^(\

Age 30
Male
Somewhere; maybe over a rainbow.
Seen August 26th, 2012
Posted August 20th, 2012
5,282 posts
16.1 Years
Rated: PG for Mild violence (there isn't much actually)

Characters
Ash
Brock
Dawn

Chapter 1-How it all started

"Come on, let's see if it works !" Ash said impatiently
"Calm down, boy !" the scientist said angrily
"Sorry" Ash replied
"Now, how does this thing work ?" Brock questioned
"Ah, excellent question ! It's a Pokemon Thought Pod, it lest the Trainer know what the Pokemon they have are thinking !" the scientist boasted
"Has this thing been tested ?" Dawn questioned
"No, but, you'lol be the first to try it !" the scientist replied

They all went into the Pod, while the three Pokemon they sent out Pikachu (Ash), Crogunk (Brock), Pachirsu (Dawn). The scientist turned on the machine. It was running fine until, in the Pokemon Pod, Pachrisu let out a Spark and caused the machine to go haywire. They all stepped out and the scientist gasped and said

"Oh no, what have I done !"

To be continued....
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Hello there! Just to let you know, your story is the one I'm using to get back into reviewing, so it might be a little rusty.

Right now, your chapter is a little short. Without checking, it might fall under a full page on Microsoft Word. Generally, chapters should be three pages at a minimum. This gives the reader enough to read without feeling cheated because it's so short. You know what you can add to this to help out?

Description: Yes, this dreaded thing. Though we know that these are the characters from the anime, a little description of them would be nice. Also, don't forget to describe the scenery. This will help the reader to see where the characters are in their head. There is also description of actions and feelings that the characters have. Like, how do the characters feel going into an experiment? How do the Pokemon feel in these pods? Why did Pachirisu give off a spark? From fear, nerves, or excitement? With feelings, the characters feel more alive to the reader, and the readers care about them more.

Another thing to help is to set up a period of normalacy before the big change. I dunno, but with an anime-style fic, I set up the chapters like episodes of the anime. Ash and crew are normally beginning the episode strolling down the beaten path, then meet crazy scientist man and decide to help him out.

Your grammar needs some touch-up. You're missing the ending punctuation for sentences. You're fine if you don't begin a new paragraph. Once you do, you seem to lose your full stops. Just a simple read-over of this before you posted it would have found those mistakes. That's really the only grammar issue here. Well, that and the fact that you put a space before the ending punctuation mark for dialogue. That's really not needed.

This thread can give you more advice than I can. It gives you examples as well for description and other aspects of writing, including what's needed for Pokemon fanfiction.

All and all, this does need improvement. Don't get discouraged though. Keep writing, no matter what.

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