Rise to the Top: Sinnoh

Started by Sweet Candace July 26th, 2007 5:04 AM
  • 1530 views
  • 11 replies

Sweet Candace

So Awesome! /)^ɛ^(\

Age 30
Male
Somewhere; maybe over a rainbow.
Seen August 26th, 2012
Posted August 20th, 2012
5,282 posts
16.1 Years
This is a sequel to a fan-fic I created on another site that circled around May. Now it's Dawn's turn. So, here we go !

Chapter 1--Off and running

It was a lovely morning in Sinnoh. Every 10-year old starts their journey. And today's no different for a girl named Dawn. Dawn had blue hair that was accented with two yellow hair clips. She wore a black and pink dress with a pink scarf. And she wore a white snow cap on the top of her head.

"Come on Dawn, up and at them, today's the day you start your journey !" her mom shouted
"I'm coming, mom !" Dawn replied
"Now you know, you have to go to Sandgem Town and meet Prof. Rowan" her mom stated
"I know mom" Dawn replied

She rode her bike and found Prof. Rowan. He showed Dawn three Pokemon. Turtwig, the Grass type, Chimchar, the Fire type, or Piplup, the Water type. Dawn chose Piplup and rode her bike onto Route 202. There she found a wild Pikachu

"Wow ! A wild Pikachu !" Dawn shouted, pulling out her Pokedex

Pikachu
Mouse Pokemon

It stores the electric power in the sacs in it's cheeks. It lives in large groups with others


"Go ! Piplup !" Dawn said. Piplup appeared out it's Poke Ball.
"Piplup, use Bubblebeam !" Dawn ordered. The bubblebeam hit it's mark and sent Pikachu flying up in the air.
"Go, Poke Ball !" Dawn said. She threw a Poke Ball at the falling Pikachu. The ball rocked a couple times before stopping
"Yes ! I caught a Pikachu !" Dawn shouted. She opened up at the Poke Ball and was talking to her newly-caught Pikachu.
"Hello there, my name's Dawn, I'm your Trainer now !" she said. Pikachu gave her a Thundershock and caused her hair to spring up
"My you little, ah my hair !" Dawn said. Pikachu laughed at his master's reaction, "All right, you little rascal, go into your ball" Pikachu didn't want to go into it's Ball and jumped into the basket in front of Dawn's bike
"Hold up, you don't want to be in a Poke Ball ?" Dawn questioned. Pikachu nodded.
"Well, welcome to the team !" Dawn said.

And it was off to Jublife City and Dawn's first Contest

Sweet Candace

So Awesome! /)^ɛ^(\

Age 30
Male
Somewhere; maybe over a rainbow.
Seen August 26th, 2012
Posted August 20th, 2012
5,282 posts
16.1 Years
Chapter 2--Pikachu, Piplup, and Buneary, oh my !

Dawn rode down Route 202 before hitting Jublife City. But, before she could, she found a Buneary on the side of the road(it's not dead)

"Oh dear, something's wrong, I know it !" Dawn said. She put the Buneary in her basket and rode like a shot to the Pokemon Center. After waiting for a couple of hours, the Buneary was fully healed

But, Buneary had other plans when Dawn tried to send back in the wild. It charged at Dawn with a Tackle
"Ow, oh do you want to battle ?' Dawn quesationed. Buneary nodded
"Go, Pikachu !" Dawn stated. Pikachu jumped down on the field
"Pikachu, use Thundershock !" Dawn ordered. It hit, but Buneary charged back with a Dizzy Punch. Pikachu couldn't take it and was Knocket Out
"Piplup, it's all up to you, use Bubblebeam !" Dawn ordered. It hit it's mark and sent Buneary falling to the ground
"And now, Poke Ball !" Dawn said. The Poke Ball rocked a couple of times beofre it stopped
"Awesome ! I got a Buneary !" Dawn exclaimed. Pikachu and Piplup jumped up in unison. And so, Dawn has already 3 Pokemon and next time, she going to challenge for her first Ribbon !

Sweet Candace

So Awesome! /)^ɛ^(\

Age 30
Male
Somewhere; maybe over a rainbow.
Seen August 26th, 2012
Posted August 20th, 2012
5,282 posts
16.1 Years
Chapter 3--Contest Time

Dawn reached Jublife City and entered the Contest. Her mother gave her a lovely Contest dress and thought over her strategy.

"And now from Twinleaf Town, making her Contest debut, Dawn !" the MC stated. Dawn ran onto the stage and threw her Poke Ball.
"Pikachu, spotlight !" Dawn shouted as she threw the Poke Ball. Pikachu appeared with little sparks flying out of the ball
"Now use Thundershock and Quick Attack !" Dawn shouted. Hopefully, she thought she garnered a high score, but will she advance into the finals ?
Age 36
Seen 14 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
She put the Buneary in her basket and rode like a shot to the Pokemon Center.
Placing a wounded Pokemon in a bike basket and pedaling quickly down unpaved roads might do more harm than good. This is just one of those really odd things that annoy me.

That last chapter was way too short. Three paragraphs that are only a line long do not make a chapter. You should aim for three pages at a minimum in order to make a good chapter. There was so much that you could have added.

To the first chapter, you could have included Dawn's feelings as she left home. You could have made the scene where she chose Piplup longer. (I mean, it's the most important decision in a trainer's life, choosing what Pokemon is going to be their first partner.) You could have made capturing Pikachu longer.

There's really a lot missing from this fanfic. Description is one thing. Not just of the characters and the settings, but of actions and feelings.

It's really not good to write and post three chapters in eight hours. It takes time to do that. Yes, you may write quickly, but there is still the process of editing to make sure your chapter is of quality. Don't rush your chapters. You have the same grammar problems with this fic as you do with the other one you posted. A few of your sentences are missing the ending punctuation mark.

Take a look at the Fanfictions of the Month, this forum's rules, and the Writing Guide. But the main thing is is to keep writing. Don't give up.

Avatar credit: Fairy