Atona's beginning

Started by Espegirl July 27th, 2007 1:58 PM
  • 1127 views
  • 11 replies
Why should I tell you?
Seen April 23rd, 2009
Posted March 28th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
For you people who requested I post this fic: Here. For you people who didn't request this fic: It's here anyway.


Chap. 1

“Atona,” I whispered.

The small Eevee in my arms looked at my face as if questioning my words.

“Your name,” I replied, “I will call you Atona.”

Satisfied, Atona rested her soft, furry head in my arms. Those same exact dirty arms and hands that had, just a few days ago, been asked to commit a horrid crime that they wished they hadn’t.


“No!” I screamed, surprised as I was told of my assignment.

“Yes, Kanya” my master replied, “You have one day to do it, or you shall never have your freedom.”

“But why?” I asked, almost crying as my dark hair hung around my face, trying to hide it.

“To test your strength. Not physical strength, but your mental strength.”

Then suddenly, a plan formed in my head, “Yes, Master,” I replied, trying not to sound too suspicious.

“Good, now leave and pack.” My master said angrily at my “weakness”.

I bowed slightly, trying not to show my grimacing face and left the training room.

How could he ask me to do something like that? I questioned myself, Something that I could get put in jail for! my mind screamed.

As I reached my “room” as you might call it, the rest of my plan became clear. Stepping in my tiny, bug ridden room, I grabbed all of my clothes and shoved them in a dark green backpack. I grabbed all the food I could fit in my back pack, not to mention a few other things, and I slung the pack on my shoulder.

I stepped out of the door and walked down the hallway to the front door.
Then behind me, I heard a voice say, “Here, take this, to help you keep your strength.”

I whipped around and saw my master, Master Chun, big, dark cloak and all, standing with his hand extended, “The Power Necklace?” I inquired.

“Yes, to keep you from quitting,” He replied without feeling, as if he had been forced to give this to her.

“Oh, thanks…” I sarcastically replied.

Not catching the sarcasm in my voice, he said, “You’re welcome.”

Once again, I bowed slightly and then ran away towards the door and pulled it open.



Outside I ran towards the forest, the best cover for a runaway. The ground was covered by moss and leaves that had recently fallen as autumn approached.

Just then I heard a noise, I turned and saw an Espeon wobble out of a bush and fall to the ground.

I slipped off my backpack and sat beside her. Her heavy breathing increased as I drew near. She tried to get up but fell, exhausted, to the ground.

Noticing she was afraid of me, I squatted next to her and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you.” I reached up my hand and let it fall, slowly, to her face. Then I began to stroke her fur.

Her big, purple eyes met mine and she knew she was safe from any harm I might cause her. Just then, her muscles tensed and she let out a yowl. That’s when I noticed her abnormally large belly heave. She was birthing.




For this I will need 2 positive comments before I continue. Thanks :)
I now introduce, Atona.

(As a baby)
Hell.
Seen December 22nd, 2021
Posted August 4th, 2012
1,406 posts
16.9 Years
Obviously not. If the espeon is "birthing" [that word makes my stomach upset] then probably it is going to be the Eevee in the first paragraph.

The Power Necklace... You shoud've explained what it looked like. Is that going to be important to the story? Because I think it is going to be...

Was the Espeon getting beat up? Or was it totally exhausted from "birthing" [:X]

I love how Espeon is actually going to have a real baby instead of an egg. [or it is having an egg.]

Overall this is pretty good. A little short, but it is a good introduction to a story.

I just don't like the cliffhanger D: [that's not a bad thing]

Sometimes life gets lonely if you haven't talked to your friends in a while.

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
Uhh, don't say things like, "Oh, give me so-and-so amount of positive comments, and then I'll continue!" No, you continue on your own basis, regardless of reviews. It's a poor incentive to write that way.

That said, your main problem was your rushed story line. Eevee found! Named! But this was not how it was a while ago...personally, I'd find it better if you expand that part. Describe more! And such. When you're jumping back to the whole plan with the 'master' and power necklace (wha? I was already lost), it helps to elaborate.

Ending was fine, and yes, I do agree that the aspect of birthing gives it a more realistic view. Overall, not bad, just brush up on the details.

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.
Why should I tell you?
Seen April 23rd, 2009
Posted March 28th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
@Lily: I say that if I get however many posts because I want to know if people here like it. If they don't I still comntinue the story I just don't post it here. And yeah, I wrote this a wile back. I'm much better at describing now.

@Zasz: You'll under stand better in the next chapter, but no, the Espeon that was birthing would know it was me :P.
I now introduce, Atona.

(As a baby)
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
*ignores a few posts*

Just because you don't receive two positive reviews here doesn't mean that no one is reading. Some reviewers are busy and don't have time to read stories and type out reviews. So keep posting here no matter what. You'll reach a wider audience that you normally won't, and might get some good reviews that you wouldn't get otherwise.

Also, if you wrote this a while back, and your description skills have improved between that time and now, it might have be nice if you had updated this chapter to match. Yes, you can indeed edit whatever you wrote before to catch up to your standards of today.

That said, I would have to agree with Lily that this chapter was very confusing due to lack of detail. You begin with Eevee and random human, then jump back in time to a master/slave and a power necklace. You should describe at least the necklace more, if it is going to be important later on in the story. And with a first-person point of view, there is so much more feelings you could have in here from the main character. What is she feeling? How does she feel as she sets in motion her plan to escape?

In summary, this had the feeling of rushed work, and could have used more detail. But if you say that you have improved in later chapters, I figure that things will get better.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Why should I tell you?
Seen April 23rd, 2009
Posted March 28th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Wow, sorry guys I only went inactive for like 2 months. :P Anyway, I've decided not to post the rest. *Listens for response but continues because there is none* Oh, plus, I'm leaving. So... maybe in a few years I'll be like " Let's go visit that one forum I stayed on for like 3 days!" But of course I won't remember the name and so you'll prolly never hear from me again. Bye! *Signs out*
I now introduce, Atona.

(As a baby)