At Deaths Door

Started by Manaphy1128 July 27th, 2007 3:30 PM
  • 802 views
  • 8 replies
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Ah,I'm making another story.I always am...

Prolouge
-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you ever imagined your death,how would you imagine it? I always thought of vicous murder because I read lots of books that have murder. Many people imagine tragic accidents or death by sickness. I never believed that would happen to me.
But now I have to.
-----------------------------------Chapter 1: Enter the Death---------------------------------


'Stop pushing Darren!" I exclaimed.'Your going to push me off!"
"Sorry."
"Whatever."
"Sakura,Darren,settle down. Can't you take example of Chrissy?" My mother said, pointing to my six-year old sister that was slightly leaning,careful not to fall off, and keeping quiet.
"Okay." we both sighed. Me and my 11- year old brother were always goofing off. We never really payed attention to anything.
Boy was that a mistake.
We were on vacation at Canada,currently on the boat that toured Niagra Falls. I didn't want to wear my poncho and I wanted to get soaked. My mom made me wear it.
"Wheres dad?" I questioned her.
"He's checking out the other side of the boat" she replied.
"Look!" Chrissy exclaimed pointing at Niagra Falls.
While my mom went over to Chrissy,I kept leaning over to look.
The rest was a blur.
Seeing how were in Niagra Falls, the railing got soaked.And slippery.And thats when it happened.
I fell into the water .
Darren saw it and yelled for mom. I was struggling to keep over head from the water. My mom threw out the oh,what was it called? maybe life perserver or something. I wasn't really caring what it was called.i couldn't reach and started to go under again. I lost hope. And I did it.
I stopped trying to go up. I was losing air quickly. I knew it was a lost cause to try and get back up. So I drowned. Except death doesn't start with a blinding white light.
It starts with dark murky water.
-----------------------------------Chapter 2: By Jove!-----------------------------------------------

I quickly got up and saw what was around me.
A sewer. I was in a sewer.
'Huh?" I questioned out loud. I had no clue what happened. No one who dies does. I hoisted myself onto the nearest slab of concrete. I looked up and saw the strangest of things.
An arrow.
The arrow was pointing to a small tunnel that then connected to other tunnels with more arrows guidung me to wherever.

It was a simple maze. It was really just a right-left quest. It led me to a door with a giant "Welcome" plastered over the top. I wondered if it was a trap. Since it was my last option,I had to go.
So in I went.

It was exactly as I pictured it. Pale pink streets next to pale pink apartment buildings. Golden streetlights adorned the roads. The sky around was a beautiful blue with white clouds everywhere.
It was heaven.
"Yo!You!" a voice called.I turned to see a face you wouldn't expect in heaven.
It was Doopliss, the ghost from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.
'Hi!" I said and quickly waved to him. He took a look at the paper he was holding and told me, "Building 7"
"Wha?"
Doppliss smacked his hand against his forehead and shook his head.
"You. Building 7. Now. You live there the rest of your after-life. Now."
"Okay." I murmured and headed off.

I had to walk around quite a bit to find building 7.It loomed over 70 feet talll. I went in.
"Newlydead?" The girl at the ounter asked.
"Yes."
"Room 2408."
"Thank you."

Considering I was on floor 24,I was low. It took one and a half minutes to make it. Taking that fact into account, the people on the 70th floor had to wait six and a half minutes. I finally made it to the level,and quickly found my room. Inside was all the same colors of outside. It must be murder for dude (Note: No pun intended)
A knock on the door starteled me. It was Doppliss.
"I" he said, "Would like to welcome you to Heaven"
------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 3: A Ghosts Welcome is coming either tomroww or in a few days.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.

Female
New Joisey
Seen February 26th, 2017
Posted June 26th, 2011
3,329 posts
18.7 Years
Protip(s):
  • Spacebar. Use it after every punctuation mark, please. Or else,I'm afraid your sentence will,like,look like this.
  • You really don't need to squeeze several chapters in one post. Rather, make each one stand out individually. It looks rushed.
  • Interesting plot, but details don't back up the adrenaline included. (Someone fell off the Niagara Falls! I see one sentence describing that. One).
  • Coherence. The Paper Mario reference just threw me off.

Though, it's an interesting story line. Not sure how you'll manage to make heaven and...Paper Mario coincide. Regardless. Try to make things more detailed, or if not that, a bit more understandable. Good luck.

( ‿‿ ) PM me for a contract.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Okay,I really should speed things up so you guys understand all of this stuff.Ahh...:

----------------Chapter 3: A Ghosts Welcome----------------------"Y'know" I said to Doppliss as we walked on, "I'm suprised no one is screaming or something at you."
" It's because everyone sees heaven diffrently.'
"Wha?"
"Take that girl Drea." he pointed her out. "she sees it as a regular town. His traveling companion is a dude from ...what was it?...oh yeah. I think Fall Out Boy. Maybe. "
"So.."
"Yes. No one see's it the same. I just said that. "
" Where are we going? "
" Wish."
"Wi..?"
" Just follow me. "

I finally found out what he was talking about. Wish was a music store place.
"To listen to a song." He explained, "You pick the artist name and the song name in your head. "
"Whoa... "
We made it there. As we walked in, I saw many faces feighning confusion at things. We walked up to the counter.
"We have a newlydead" he jerked his thumb back at me, "here. "
Doppliss put a pair of headphones on my head. "Think of a song. Sing it in your head. Or at least think of the melody. "
I did, for about 20 seconds. The speaker right on the counter played, "Don't bother, pretending I seem Fine,I like that i'm a mess, I can't stand it much longer in my head, I think its time for bullets". I stood there twindling my thumbs for a second, then said, "Wow...How-"
" the thoughts from your brain directly enter through that headphone set and out of the speaker. its pretty basic. " Doppliss told me. "Now say the band name and song name in your head. "
I quickly thought Finger Eleven - So So Suicide and was suprised when it started playing in my head. I picked three more songs (Falling On, Paralyzer, and Good Times, all by Finger Eleven)
At that moment, the doors thudded open.
"Its them!" a girl from and anime I didn't know, yelled. 'Its Hell's Demons!"
---------------Will be continued, same chapter--------------

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
This is whats bad about me.I have some decent Ideas,but I screw them up on paper.you guessed that,didn't you.I guessed it a long time ago.

-------------------Chapter 3:A Ghosts Welcome: Continued-------------------

Well,that shocked me.Y'know?Demons?From Hell?!Are you getting this?!Okay,good.A flurry of action took place.Doppliss picked me up and chucked me onto the other side of the counter(I'm serious.He chucked me over.).I couldn't see much,but I heard the ocassinal curse and a lot of whams and bams.And the ocassinal blood dripped from the counter top.And then all the noise stopped.I knew it was safe, so I stepped out from under the counter.
"What happened?"I asked Doppliss.
"As you guessed,"He told me,"they were demons from Hell.What you didn't know is that I killed them with..whats the word...lightness or something?Of course,were supposed to keep our battling teqnique a secret from commoners......well drat.I just said it out loud!In reality,I should show you something."
I followed him,even though I wanted to blurt out "Where are we going?!".

And we arrived at a place called "Black Stadium".I could see it was quite a hit when we got inside,since the place was packed.
"Why are we here?"
"To watch a show."
"What kind of show?"
He turned to face me and said,"A show against two Demon's from hell."
I silently followed him,a giant hode of questions in my brain.

We got a good seat,near the back.Doppliss said many people in the front came out of here with blood stained shirts.I turned to face the stage were two demons were tearing each other apart.One had the others skin in its mouth and the other was trying to bite the ones neck off,and was doing a good job at it.Both had torn skin with some veins pulsing blood in the open.I looked down,and sure enogh,people had tons of blood on their shirt.A giant buzzer went off.The one had finally torn the the others neck apart,and had killed it."Well,"Doppliss told me,"We better get moving".We quickly drifted from our seats and into the exit.
"Why were they fighting?'I questioned,"and how can they be killed?"
"The answer to question number one is that there toughining up for the Demon War going on in Helll.Number two is that when your killed in the after life,you go the alternate realm.since everything in Heaven is nice,and pretty,and sweet,Demons hate it.And a person going to Hell from Heaven is self explanatory.Of course,commoners shouldn't know that theres a war going on in Hell....Well drat.I did it again!"
I looked up when:

"I felt the blisters
Below the words
A universe waiting to explode

And I felt the words crawl out of my skull
And now you know
Exactly what you should

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I like that I'm a mess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
I think it's time for bullets"

Played.A 15 year-old girl with pure white,"white" hair and a pair of shorts and a T-shirt was singing.
"That" Doppliss explained,"is a..hmmmm....Hmmmm.....HMMMMM.....Well I forgot,but they can do almost anything.Such as,that girl can sing any song ever made,and it sounds like the band would,and knows all the songs that were ever made.She takes requests and sings for money."
I listened to her sing the next few verses of Finger Elevens song,So-So Suicide:

"Became so-so suicidal
And now I know the ugly from the good

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I like that I'm a mess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
I think it's time for bullets

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I'm trying to confess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
But it's not time for bullets"

"But,"I heard Doppliss say under his breath,"maybe the war isn't just went to be fought in Hell.."

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you