The Joke Thread

Started by Midnight Beat August 1st, 2007 1:47 PM
  • 11823 views
  • 195 replies

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
You know everybody enjoys a good joke whether it is all the time or just to brighten up thier day so here you can post jokes that really make you laugh. However I do feel that this thread has the potential to get out of hand if you are to take the jokes to heart. So to avoid conflict here are some rules:

- No racist and or sexist jokes
- Keep all the jokes as clean as possible
- Don't take any of the jokes here to heart they are ment to make people laugh not to hurt so don't go and start a flamming war over a joke, okay?
- No bad jokes (It just wastes time) :P

And just in case -> Permission to create thread by Drummersuff

Alright I will start us off;

One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP." "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.

Alright so it's not the best joke but it's a start.

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Ah,yes.lets think.Oh.Heres a horrible joke:

There are three people in a car down the highway.One is named Shut up,one is named Manners,and one is named Road Kill.Shut Up is driving and is going a little too fast.Road Kill isn't wearing his seat belt,and when Shut Up stops,Road Kill goes flying out the front window.Manners goes outside to go pick him up.The police catch up with him for speeding."What is your name?" one asks.
"Shut Up."
"What is your name?"
"Shut Up."
"You have a minute to tell me your name."
"Shut Up."
"Where are your manners?"
"Outside picking up Road Kill"

Its stupid,but a joke none the less.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 31
Toronto
Seen October 10th, 2012
Posted November 10th, 2009
624 posts
16.2 Years
This is this joke that I heard on my friends Psp.

*Man calls movie people*

Man says:Hey guy how much is a movie ticket
Movie dude says:that is 10dollars
Man says:what about 2 tickets
Movie dude says:that would be 20 dollars sir
Man says: Yay I can bring 2 of my friends
Man says: Well what about 3 tickets
Movie dude says:30dollars
Man says:Yay I can bring 2 of my friends!
MAn says: well hey what about 4 tickets
MOvie dude says:40dollars
Man says:yay I can bring 2 of my friends
Man says: Im going to watch airbud, do you guys have airbud
Movie dude says: no we dont have airbud
Man says: yay im going to see airbud
Man says: Thanks lady
Movie dude says: im not a lady
Man says: okay bye lady.

xD I hope you guys get it XD

.Aero

Tell Me I'm A Screwed Up Mess

Age 29
Male
Columbus, Ohio
Seen July 27th, 2016
Posted July 1st, 2016
1,767 posts
15.9 Years
haha sorry I don't get it.

Anyways, this is a little childish for a joke, but its the best one I know.

4 men are trying to get through a forest and they come up to a bridge guarded by a canible. The men ask if they can get by and the canible says, "bring me back 10 fruit from the forest and I will let you pass" The men agree and go find the fruit. The first comes back with apples. The canible says "Shove all the fruit up your butt and I'll let you pass." The man gets 1...2...3 then all of them fall out so the canible eats him. The second man comes back with pineapples. He only gets one up his butt so the canible eats him. The third comes back with cherries and he gets 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...then laughs and they all fall out. The canible eats him. The other two men ask the third guy in heaven why he laughed. The third man replied "I saw the next guy carrying watermelon"

Hard to explain. Hope you guys get it.

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
@Manaphy1128 Classic

@Shinji_ I'm not sure I get it either however I just might be off tonight so I'll read it again tomorrow.

@Pipluper That's a good one.

Thanks for posting guys

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>

Melody

Banned

Female
Cuddling those close to me
Seen March 4th, 2018
Posted March 2nd, 2018
6,459 posts
18.6 Years
Here's a funny one.
Disclaimer:
Yes, it's a blonde joke. It doesnt mean blondes are stupid though. I know many blondes and I think that the "Blondes are stupid" is a bunch of crap.
So, Dont take this personally if you are blonde. We all know blondes arent really stupid. The ones in the jokes are. Not real blondes just the ones in the jokes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here's the joke:
2 blondes are building a house. The first one is hammering nails into the wall. Every so often she throws one over her shoulder. The second one walks up and asks her "Why are you throwing those nails away?" and the the first one replies "Ugh! Half these nails have the head on the wrong side!! They're defective!" The second one then giggles and says "Silly! Those are for the other side of the house!"

XD
Ah. Funny.

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
Here's the joke:
2 blondes are building a house. The first one is hammering nails into the wall. Every so often she throws one over her shoulder. The second one walks up and asks her "Why are you throwing those nails away?" and the the first one replies "Ugh! Half these nails have the head on the wrong side!! They're defective!" The second one then giggles and says "Silly! Those are for the other side of the house!"

XD
Ah. Funny.
Very very funny! Defective nails.... I love it.

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>
Age 34
He/Him/His
Sioux Falls, SD
Seen April 22nd, 2021
Posted March 18th, 2020
627 posts
17.9 Years
I've got one. Not haha funny, but a good lesson nevertheless.

There are four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and everybody was asked to do it. everybody was sure somebody would do it. anybody could have done it, but nobody did it. Somebody got mad at this because it was everybody's job. Everyone thought anybody could do it, but nobody realized that everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that everybody blamed somebody for nobody doing what anybody could have done.

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
HA!! That one took me a sec. :cheeky: But it's definatly a good one.

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>
Seen September 18th, 2020
Posted March 3rd, 2013
706 posts
16.8 Years
There are three girls sitting on a porch. One has red hair (Jamie), one has blue hair (Lacy), and one has green hair (Kris). The mailman walks by, and says "Where did you get your hair done?". Jamie says "I got it done at the beauty salon". Lacy says "Mine was done at Krystal's beauty shop". Kris says (All while putting snot in her hair), "It's natural!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's better if you actually do it in real life, and not just write it... ugh.

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
Very funny. I'm just going to respond once every 5 jokes and comment on all of them in one post instead of posting after every joke.

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>
Male
Fish Spaghetti Town
Seen May 18th, 2016
Posted September 17th, 2015
3,543 posts
17.6 Years
Okay, here one my friend told me:

NOTE: THIS IS ANOTHER "BLONDES ARE DUMB" JOKES, WITCH IS STERYOTYPICAL. IF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE, CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE JOKE, OR WANT TO EAT THE JOKE, PLEASE DO NOT VIEW.

---

Three girls, a Blonde, a Burnette, and a Red head, just robbed a bank and are running from the police.

They came to a three way intersection, and split up.

The Burnette took the left turn, and ended up in a group of brown dogs. She blended in with them, and when the police came,
she exclaimed:
"Bark! Bark!"
The police left, letting her get away.

The Red head took the straight path, and ended up with a bunch of red cats. She blended in with them, and when the police came,
she exclaimed:
"Meow! Meow!"
The police left, letting her get away.

The Blonde took the right path, and ended up in a potatoe farm. She layed down in the potatoes, and when the police came,
she exclaimed:
"Potatoe! Potatoe!"
the police went:
"WTF?"
and captured the Blonde.


---

Yay lack of humor!
Collection DeviantART Pokemon

super epic credit to Cilerba and Calis for OW Bases,
make sure you check them out as well!
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
A stupid blonde joke and a few other stupid ones:

NOTE: the following joke is not intended to be hurtful:

Three serial killers,a blonde,a brunette,and a red head,have been caught on the top of a 15-level bulding.
"Any last words before execution?"one officer asked.
"Tornado!" the red head yells.The officers look while the red head ecscapes down the drain pipe.
The officer turns to the brunette."Any last words?"
"Hurricane!"she yells.The officers look,and she also ecscapes down the drain pipe.
They then turn to the blonde."Any last words?"
"Fire!" she yelled,so they shot her.

Suzanne:Look what I found-a koala!
Dave:I think you should take it to the zoo.
Suzanne:You're right.I will.

The next day they meet again,and Suzanne still has the koala.

Dave:I thought you were taking it to the zoo.
Suzanne;I did!Today were going to the movies.

Two theives robbing an apartment hear the owner coming home.
"Quick,jump out the window,"The first robber says.
"Are you crazy?Were on the 13th floor!"says the second robber.
The first one replies,"This is no time to be superstitious!"

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Gunn

horror resident

Female
California, United States
Seen March 5th, 2022
Posted July 7th, 2012
1,403 posts
17.9 Years
Well, here's another blonde joke. I don't think I can tell it any better than that site.
blessed mother. 😈

Spinor

&lt;i&gt;&lt;font color=&quot;b1373f&quot;&gt;The Lonely Physicist&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/i&gt;

Age 27
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
XD ROTFLMAO LITTERALLY! Achamo made the Funniest joke ever! Ok i got a good one

2 Boys where hiking up a mountain when suddenly 1 of the boys Seemed to have fainted, Luckily, the other boy had a cell phone and called 911

boy:911! I think my friend is dead! i need help!
911:hold on! calm down, now let's make sure he's really dead
There was silence for a moment, then a gunshot was heard. The boy went back online
Boy: ok now what?
____
WARNING:The following joke MAY be offensive to girls in a certain group and will cause a laugh attack to boys in a certain group
_______

What is Green,Lies in a ditch, and covered in cookie crumbs?

A Girl scout that got hit by a truck
__________________

What do you say when a lawyer is about to be run over?

Nothing
__________________

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have Flat feet?

To stamp out Burning Ducks

Why do Blue Whales live in the ocean?

Hey! isn't a roasted Elephant enough for ya?
___________________

What can Geese do, Ducks can't, and lawyers are supposed to do?

Stick their bills up their crack.

Ullion

Simic Synthesis

Male
Canada
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted 2 Weeks Ago
4,703 posts
16.9 Years
Ironic gunn, I'm blonde and I figured it out IMMEDIATELY. I won't say anything to ruin it though for the others. ;P

One my dad keeps telling voer and over; and IMO, its the only good one he knows.

One day, along the border between Ontario and Québec walked two men. One was a die-hard Québec seperatist and the other was a patriotic Ontarion. As all the other days, the two were walkign with eachother continously argueing over the stupidest ideas when they came across shiny object in the ground. They both raced to it and picked it up at the same time. They had notice dit was a genie's lamp and both ahd rubbed it. In a puff of smoke the genie appeared, but was confused at what to do in his situation. He usually grants the rubber 3 wishes; but for the first time ever, two people had rubbed it at once. He decided that each person would get one wish. The man from Québec was urgent and demanded that he wish first.

"I wish that Québec was surrounded by a thick, impenetrable brick wall that ensures that no one can get in and no one can get out." Yelled the seperatist.

The Ontarion chuckled and point to the wall and said, "Fill it up to the top with water, kays?"
Rhode Island
Seen August 14th, 2007
Posted August 11th, 2007
35 posts
15.8 Years
A Guy gets into a Taxi in NY.

He tells the driver where he wants to go,the Cabbie Nods and starts to drive off.

The Cabbie notices that the light just turned red so he floors it thru the Red Light.

The Man just glances and then thinks maybe he didn't notice.

The cabbie then does it a second time.

The man starts to panic a bit.

The cabbie does it a third time, and the man can't believe that he survived the 3rd red light with the Cabbie.

Finally the Cab driver sees a green light and slams on the brakes..

The man finally says, "What the ehck are you doing its Green, you went thru 3 red lights and Now your going to sit at a Green light, just Go already!

The cabbie turns around, "Are you stupid, any minute now the other Cabs are going to be flying thru those Red Lights."
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Spinor

&lt;i&gt;&lt;font color=&quot;b1373f&quot;&gt;The Lonely Physicist&lt;/font&gt;&lt;/i&gt;

Age 27
Male
Seen February 13th, 2019
Posted October 4th, 2015
5,175 posts
17.3 Years
Gun Yoshaiki posted a stupid link! i don't know what the joke is! It just keeps Chain Linking in a circle back to the original page, wat is up? i whant to know the joke.

Grovyle42(Griff8416)

No. 1 Grovyle Fan

Male
Seen April 11th, 2023
Posted May 14th, 2014
1,103 posts
15.9 Years
Ironic gunn, I'm blonde and I figured it out IMMEDIATELY. I won't say anything to ruin it though for the others. ;P

One my dad keeps telling voer and over; and IMO, its the only good one he knows.

One day, along the border between Ontario and Québec walked two men. One was a die-hard Québec seperatist and the other was a patriotic Ontarion. As all the other days, the two were walkign with eachother continously argueing over the stupidest ideas when they came across shiny object in the ground. They both raced to it and picked it up at the same time. They had notice dit was a genie's lamp and both ahd rubbed it. In a puff of smoke the genie appeared, but was confused at what to do in his situation. He usually grants the rubber 3 wishes; but for the first time ever, two people had rubbed it at once. He decided that each person would get one wish. The man from Québec was urgent and demanded that he wish first.

"I wish that Québec was surrounded by a thick, impenetrable brick wall that ensures that no one can get in and no one can get out." Yelled the seperatist.

The Ontarion chuckled and point to the wall and said, "Fill it up to the top with water, kays?"
Hah, I love Quebec Seperatist jokes!
Age 33
Male
Seen July 15th, 2015
Posted June 30th, 2015
8,343 posts
18 Years
A Moscow resident owned a parrot, and one day the parrot got loose. The man went to the KGB headquarters. "Why have you come to us?" a KGB agent asked him. "We haven't seen your parrot."

"I know," the civilian replied, "but he'll turn up one of these days, and I thought I should assure you that I don't share his views."

==========

A Moscow resident contracted laryngitis and lost his voice but couldn't afford medical treatment. He went to the KGB, who assured him, "Don't worry, we will make you talk."
Male
Fish Spaghetti Town
Seen May 18th, 2016
Posted September 17th, 2015
3,543 posts
17.6 Years
I got a couple more:

NOTE: This joke:
a.) Likes cereal
b.) May contain loads of Awesomeness
c.) Rocks

Please view with caution.

Spoiler:
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
Love, Sarah
---
Dear Sarah,
Your parents were smoking pot when they had you.
Santa


NOTE: The following...
will happen to you if you have a nagging mother >_<

Spoiler:
: My mother taught me ...
1) My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2) My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that the stain will come out of the carpet!"

3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4) My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, THAT'S WHY!"

5) My mother taught me about ADVANCED LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not coming to the store with me!"

6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident".

7) My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10) My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all of that spinach is gone!"

11) My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado hit it!"

12) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13) My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

14) My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15) My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16)!; My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home!"

17) My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when we get home!"

18) My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way"

19) My mother taught me about ESP. "Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20) My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me"

21) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up"

22) My mother taught me GENETICS. "You are just like your father"

23) My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24) My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand"

25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Collection DeviantART Pokemon

super epic credit to Cilerba and Calis for OW Bases,
make sure you check them out as well!