The Joke Thread Page 2

Started by Midnight Beat August 1st, 2007 1:47 PM
  • 11823 views
  • 195 replies
Age 35
Male
Pennsylvania
Seen August 14th, 2012
Posted March 29th, 2012
954 posts
16.4 Years
I heard this on a radio broadcast once last year... and apparently, through multi-cultural studies, this is the "funniest joke in the world", appealing to the most number of people in the most countries. I dunno how much of that holds true, and there are many variations to this one... but this is the one I heard (as best as I can remember it):

* * *

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! He's lying here and I don't know what to do!" The operator says, "Calm down, I can help. First, we have to make sure without a doubt that he is indeed dead." There is a moment of silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "Okay, now what?"

* * *
Exterminate All Rational Thought

Richard
0215 9525 7958
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
They just keep on coming:

The whole truth:

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.


Blonde say:

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."


Baseball Heaven:

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Ullion

Simic Synthesis

Male
Canada
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted 2 Weeks Ago
4,703 posts
16.9 Years
Wow, manaphy, those jokes are antiques, be careful with em'. ;D

OKay, here's a really lame (but funny IMO) riddle/joke thingy.

Why can't anyone hear a Pteradactyl go to the bathroom?

Spoiler:
Because the "P" is silent. x:

Gunn

horror resident

Female
California, United States
Seen March 5th, 2022
Posted July 7th, 2012
1,403 posts
17.9 Years
OKay, here's a really lame (but funny IMO) riddle/joke thingy.

Why can't anyone hear a Pteradactyl go to the bathroom?

Spoiler:
Because the "P" is silent. x:
Oh you. :]

Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?

Spoiler:
Fo' drizzle.


What happens when you throw a green rock into a red sea? (This one is my favorite)

Spoiler:
It gets wet.


What is the only thing in world that can be made in Brazil?

Spoiler:
Brazilians!
blessed mother. 😈
Age 34
He/Him/His
Sioux Falls, SD
Seen April 22nd, 2021
Posted March 18th, 2020
627 posts
17.9 Years
Lol, i love the umbrella one.

Here's one:

A king decides that he wants to find te bravest man in his land. If the man can jump off a hundred foot cliff into Shark infested waters, swim from there to an island filled with voracious Lions, lap the island, then swim back to the cliff and scale it, He will give him one million dollers, his Rolls Royce, and the hand of his virgin daughter. The first day, no takers. The second day, still no takers. The third day, however, a brave man leaps of the cliff, swims through the trechorous waters, laps the dangerous island, and swims back. The king was very proud. "Congratulations!" He exclaimed. "You have won one million dollers, my Rolls Royce, and the hand of my virgin daughter!" The man caught his breath and said "Look, you can keep your money, your Rolls, and your daughter, just somebody point me to the mutha***** who pushed me off that cliff!"

(Sorry if it's too out of line)
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Signs that you're a Drunk:

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

5. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

7. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

9. You fall off the floor

10. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

11. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive


12. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

13. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

14. You've fallen and can't get up.

Blonde Jokes:

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA? : "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?" "Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?" Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Natalie♥

Not even the sky is the limit

Age 29
Female
Wonderland♥
Seen July 3rd, 2010
Posted November 12th, 2009
637 posts
15.9 Years
This blond joke is to funny.

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.


The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
BITE ME! =D
Seen August 15th, 2008
Posted August 13th, 2008
195 posts
16.2 Years
I heard this one from my cousin.

A blonde walks in to a electronic store and goes to the store manager and says hello i would like to purchase a T.V. The store managers say's we dont sell T.V's to blondes, so she walks out in confusion and comes back the next day with her haired died black and goes to the manager and says hello I would like to purchase a T.V. and he says sorry we dont sell T.V's to blondes. So she walks out in frustration and comes back the next day with her haired cut off completely (bald) and says i would like to purchase a T.V and the store manager say's sorry we don't sell T.V's to blondes and she said angrily how do you keep knowing im a blond and the store maneger says because thats not a T.V thats a microwave.
Sig under construction~
Age 33
Male
Seen July 15th, 2015
Posted June 30th, 2015
8,343 posts
18 Years
A Soviet rocket officer falls asleep on duty, right in front of the dreaded "red button." A colonel comes in and requests a status report; the officer replies "Nothing's happened so far, comrade Colonel. "

The colonel retorts, "Nothing's happened, you say? Nothing's happened?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!"

Shadow_Yue

SO I HERD U LIEK NARUTO?

In my room , ofcourse 8D
Seen February 15th, 2008
Posted February 1st, 2008
135 posts
15.8 Years
My jokes might be corny but their still funny! ( I think ) Blonde JOKE ALERT!



Two girls , a blonde and a brunette went to blockbuster's to rent a movie.
The girls said they wanted Balto and the guy behind the counter went to go get the movie.

" I love that movie , it really speaks to you!" The brunette said.

When they got home the brunette went to you the bathrrom, leaving the blonde with the movie. She put the movie case on the floor and sat down next to it. 10 minutes passed. The brunette came back into the room. " What are you doing?" she asked pointing to the brunette who now had her ear pressed against the box.

"I'm waiting for Balto , I think he has me on hold." The blonde replied.
92% of teens have moved on to rap.
If you are part of the 8% who still listen to real music, copy and paste this into your signature.





98% of the population has a Myspace. If you're part of the 2% that isn't an emo loser, copy and paste this into your signature
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Alright. I have a Classic one:

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Rhode Island
Seen August 14th, 2007
Posted August 11th, 2007
35 posts
15.8 Years
Yo Mama

Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!

Yo mama so stupid that under "Education" on her job apllication, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
This signature has been disabled.
Disabled for a banner exceeding the width limit by 147 pixels.
Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.
Age 33
Male
Seen July 15th, 2015
Posted June 30th, 2015
8,343 posts
18 Years
If we're going to devolve into yo mama jokes, then I might as well bring out some of my own.

==========

Yo mama so loud, when she whispers she deafens everyone in a 100 km radius.

Yo mama so stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

Yo mama so filthy, the EPA declared her a hazardous waste site.

Yo mama so stupid, she got locked in a grocery store and starved.

Yo mama so stupid, she could trip over a cordless phone.

Yo mama so fat, she's got her own area code.

Yo mama so fat, when she dived into the Pacific Ocean it was emptied of water.

Azonic

hello friends

Age 10
Male
stranger danger
Seen June 4th, 2018
Posted May 4th, 2018
7,123 posts
15.9 Years
Yo mama is so fat she asked for a waterbed and they put a blanket over the ocean.

Yo mama is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Yo mama is so stupid she climbed a glass wall to see whats behind it.

Yo mama is so stupid she sold her car for Gas money.

Yo mama is so fat she saw a school bus and said, "Chase that Twinkie!"

Yo mama is so stupid she took a spoon to the Superbowl

Yo mama is so desperate she died of it.

Yo mama is so skinny she ate an M & M and looked 8 months pregnant.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
You guys have come to yo mamma jokes. If so,i'm posting some:

Yo mamma is so fat that when she fell in love she broke it

Yo momma's so ugly, on Halloween the kids trick or treat her by phone!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she steps on the scale it says one at
a time please.

Yo momma's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

And regular jokes:

There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you
tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says,
"I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror.
A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says,
"I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror.
The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think,"
and shazam...

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across
the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over
the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of
the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to
his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and
pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it.
There may not be an Easter because of me. What shouldI do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk,
and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the
entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and
candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter
Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned,
waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can?
What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that
the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair.
Adds permanent wave.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three
wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a
one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to
love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have
been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ...

I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make
another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man.
You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning,
is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again."

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Azonic

hello friends

Age 10
Male
stranger danger
Seen June 4th, 2018
Posted May 4th, 2018
7,123 posts
15.9 Years
LOL, whoever made this thread was a genius(like me:))

Yo mama is so ugly she entered an ugly contest and rejected for not reading the sign: NO PROFESSIONALS.

Yo mama is so fat she drowned in dry cement.

Yo mama is so fat, people live in her.

Dawson

The Rebirth Is Upon Us

Rising From The Ashes
Seen January 19th, 2023
Posted March 24th, 2013
9,727 posts
19.1 Years
LOL, whoever made this thread was a genius(like me:))

Yo mama is so ugly she entered an ugly contest and rejected for not reading the sign: NO PROFESSIONALS.

Yo mama is so fat she drowned in dry cement.

Yo mama is so fat, people live in her.
Those jokes are older than you are. I think you're the first person in this thread to do that.