The Joke Thread Page 3

Started by Midnight Beat August 1st, 2007 1:47 PM
  • 11823 views
  • 195 replies

Cherrim

Age 34
she / her
Toronto
Seen 19 Hours Ago
Posted 19 Hours Ago
33,052 posts
20.4 Years
I'm not surprised anyway. I don't remember why, but I looked up "your mom" in Wikipedia--

Shakespeare used one of the jokes in a play. So they've been around longer than any of us :x


paired with professor plum.

Midnight Beat

elit resu motsuc

Age 31
Male
Seen July 15th, 2022
Posted May 1st, 2011
1,614 posts
16.5 Years
LOL, whoever made this thread was a genius
XD Thank you.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

<<--Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away- Unknown-->>

Idiot!

One shot, one kill.

Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 28th, 2010
1,682 posts
17.4 Years
A lame one:

Holmes and Watson went camping. They set up tent under the stars and slept. Suddenly Holmes woke Watson up. "Look at the stars, Watson, and tell me your deduce."

Watson looked up. "Well, there are billions and billions of stars and the Earth is probably one of the thousands out there with life..."

"No, Watson! Our tent is stolen!"

Another one:

A man was cycling with a sack. An officer stopped him. "Show me what's in the sack." The man opened the sack and revealed sand. The officer inspect it closely but there is nothing but sand so he let him go. The man came again the next week, cycling with a sack of sand. The same officer stopped him and let him go after inspecting the sack. This repeated for months, then the man didn't show up. One day, the officer who is not in duty met him again at the bar. "I think you are smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it?"

"Bicycles."
I
Seen April 10th, 2009
Posted September 20th, 2008
595 posts
16.3 Years
(Not sure if this ones been done before...)
Your moms so fat, even Naruto can't believe it!

And here's a lame one my friend told me:
Your moms so fat, she was on a beach and a whale came up and sang "We are family" :|

Azonic

hello friends

Age 10
Male
stranger danger
Seen June 4th, 2018
Posted May 4th, 2018
7,123 posts
15.9 Years
Yo mama is so fat when she walks, every kid on the block yells, "KOOL AID! KOOL AID!"

Yo mama is so stupid she returned a puzzle because she thought she broke it.

Yo mama is so fat she makes the moon look small.

Yo mama is so fat she's the reason why there is gravity.

BLOND JOKES!!! THEY ARE SO FUN!

The blond calls her boyfriend up.

Blond: Hi! Can you come over here for a sec?
Boy: For what?
Blond: I need help with a puzzle
Boy: Whats it a picture of?
Blond: A tiger

The boy comes to the Blond's house and sees a bunch of Frosted Flakes laid out on the table.

Ullion

Simic Synthesis

Male
Canada
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted 2 Weeks Ago
4,703 posts
16.9 Years
This is pretty funny... my friend showed me this one. ;D

Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years

A man was cycling with a sack. An officer stopped him. "Show me what's in the sack." The man opened the sack and revealed sand. The officer inspect it closely but there is nothing but sand so he let him go. The man came again the next week, cycling with a sack of sand. The same officer stopped him and let him go after inspecting the sack. This repeated for months, then the man didn't show up. One day, the officer who is not in duty met him again at the bar. "I think you are smuggling something. Between you and me, what is it?"

"Bicycles."
Haha! *Laughing...* That was a good joke. Did you create it?



*Still laughing*


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor

Memory

let's waste time ✖

Age 28
Rawr.
Seen December 9th, 2015
Posted June 26th, 2009
1,324 posts
17.6 Years
Okay, one of my friends told me this, I'm sure everyone's heard it, dunno if anyone's posted it. xD
So, Jimmy wants to go to the bathroom. His teacher says, "Jimmy! You must learn the ABC's first!" And so Jimmy uses the bathroom when he gets home, and then asks his mother:
"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?"
"Shut up, shut up!"
Jimmy then went to his sister.
"Sissy, what's the second letter of the alphabet?"
"Uh-huh, uh-huh!" (talking on the phone, of course.)
Jimmy nodded and visited his little brother.
"Hey, what's the third letter of the alphabet?"
"B-b-b-batman!!!"
Jimmy then went out to the trash guy.
"Sir, what's the fourth letter of the alphabet?"
"In the trash can, in the trash can...."

So Jimmy went to school the next day, and again, asked to go to the bathroom.
His teacher said,
"Jimmy, did you learn your ABC's?"
"Shut up, shut up!"
"Do you want to go to the principle's office!?!"
"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!"
So Jimmy got sent to the principle's office.
"Boy, do you know why you're up here?"
"Shut up! Shut up!"
"Do you want to go home?"
"Uh-huh! Uh-huh!"
"Who do you think you are?!!?"
"B-b-b-batman!!!"
"Where do you live, son?"
"In the trashcan, in the trashcan...."

xDD
*shrugs* an old friend told that to me.
hi, i'm dead.

Azonic

hello friends

Age 10
Male
stranger danger
Seen June 4th, 2018
Posted May 4th, 2018
7,123 posts
15.9 Years
A foreign person comes to America and doesn't know english.

He walks near a Military camp and hears, "YES SIR! YES SIR!" and the phrase gets stuck in his head.

Next, he walks near a silverware department and hears: "Forks and knives, Forks and knives. So this gets stuck in his head. "Yes Sir, Yes Sir! Forks and Knives, Forks and knives!"

Finally, he walks near the Chocolate Factory and hears, "Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody Goody Gumdrops. So he says: "Yes Sir! Yes Sir! Forks and Knives Forks and Knives. Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody goody Gumdrops!

So next, policemen come over to him and say,"Hey! Did you kill someone?"

Foreign person says, "Yes Sir! Yes Sir!

Police ask him, "what did you kill him with?"

He says, "Forks and Knives, Forks and Knives."

The police handcuff him and say,"You are going to jail for the rest of your life!"

He says, "Goody Goody Gumdrops, Goody Goody Gumdrops.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bad guy drops a rock out of the window of a plane.

A kid is crying as the police pull up.

The police say,"Why are you crying?"

The kid says, "A rock hit my head!" The police drive away.

Next the bad guy drops an apple out

A kid is crying as the police pull up.

They say, " Why are you crying?"

He says, "An apple hit my head," so they drive away.

Next, this bad guy drops a bomb out.

A kid is laughing as the police pull up.

"Why are you laughing?" say the police.

"My dad farted and my house blew up!" he said.

YEA YOU PROLLY HEARD THIS ALL B4.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Wow.I've been gone for awhile:

Things Only Women Understand

9. Cats' facial expressions

8. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

7. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN


How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?:
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?:
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?:
Because those men already have boyfriends

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Joey the Cockroach

Dino Crisis will never die!!!!

Not here. >:
Seen November 4th, 2009
Posted January 31st, 2009
1,839 posts
18.2 Years
I cant think of any good long jokes at the minute, so here's 2 short ones:

What do you call a fish without an eye?
Fsh.

Whats invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

and one average one:

a new kid had moved into the school. the teacher said, "where does your mother come from?"

Kid: "Alaska."

Teacher: dont worry, i'll ask her myself.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
This ones a little gross, but its still a joke:

A man has lost his children and is going around the neighborhood to find. He calls out heir names
"Maru-Dashi! Moro-Dashi"
A police man stops him and says,
"If you're saying that, you must know about that illegal strip club! So what do you know?"
The man replies saying,
"No, those are the names of my children."
The police man replies, shocked,
"Your children are part of the strip club?!"
The man,
"No. That's their actual names!"
Still shocked, the police man asks,
'How old are they?"
Still confused, the man tells him,
"They're both 10."
The police man suddenly grabs him by both wrists and hand-cuffed him.
'Why do you let your children do that?" the police man asks. "You are arrested for 5 years until you get the concept of how stupid you are to let your own children do that!"

----------------------

You probably don't get it since you have to know what Maru-Dashi and Moro-Dashi mean. If you don't get it, tell me.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Idiot!

One shot, one kill.

Seen March 17th, 2011
Posted December 28th, 2010
1,682 posts
17.4 Years
A guy who hasn't learn his English well wanted to join the military. To do so, he just need to answer the General's three simple questions: How old are you, how long have you served, and do you want your pay or your food. And because the questions are always asked at that order, his friends decided to teach him the answers instead of the meaning of the questions.

The General, for once, asked the questions in a different order. "How long have you served?"
"28 years, sir."

The General was amazed. He went on tho the next question: "How old are you?"
"3 months, sir!"

The angry General now thinks this is a joke. "Either me or you is mad!"
"Both, sir!"
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
A wife and husband, the wife being blond, get into there cars to go to work. They each go a diffrent way. So anyway, the husband hears on the radio, "Be careful on interstate 20 since there is a car that is driving the wrong way."
The husband realizes thats the road that his wife takes. He calls her up and says, 'Honey be careful! There is a car going the wrong way!"
And the woman replies, "ONE?! There are thousands of them!!"
-----------

Pretty weak.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you

Azonic

hello friends

Age 10
Male
stranger danger
Seen June 4th, 2018
Posted May 4th, 2018
7,123 posts
15.9 Years
A blond, brunette(how do you spell it?), and a red-head are stranded on an Island 100 miles away from home.

The brunette swims 3 miles and gets hungry, and swims back.

The Red-head swims 56 miles and drowns.

The blond swims 99 miles but her head started to hurt, so she swam back...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spoiler:
Once upon a time, there was a person who knew everything.
He lives on a mountain.

A Turtle comes up to this person and asks, "o knowledgeable one, what am I?
The person responds, "Lets see, you have a shell and you are slow, so you must be a turtle"

Next, a bird flies up to him and asks him,"o knowlegeable one, what am I?"
He responds, "Lets see, you have wings and you can fly, so you must be a bird"

Finally, a skunk comes up and asks him, " o knowledgeable one, what am I?
He responds, "Well lets see, you're black, white, and you stink, so you must be Michael Jackson!"
BITE ME! =D
Seen August 15th, 2008
Posted August 13th, 2008
195 posts
16.2 Years
Okay i have one,

This guy was sitting on his couch and he heard the doorbell ring so he went to answer it and there was no one there so he looked down and saw a snail and he angrily threw it across his yard. Then 10 years later there was another ring and no one was there so he looked down and saw the same snail and the snail said : What The Heck Was That For.
Sig under construction~
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
5 Things that show you're going crazy:

1. You watch the washing machine wash clothes
2. When you're alone, you sing "I'm the Map" from Dora the Explorer
3. You understand what rats are telling you
4. You can only read upside down
5. You make a list of things you do that make you seem crazy

****************************************************************

That's probably the worst joke ever...

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you