The Race Underground

Started by Manaphy1128 August 4th, 2007 8:57 AM
  • 836 views
  • 7 replies
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
I know what you're thinking:"Oh my gosh. How many is she going to write?" I'm not sure either.By the way, the only reaosn its Sakura and Syaoran is because in the original one they were and I wanted to keep it like the original. Thats all.

Introduction: January 15th 2007
-------------
1. 'If anything happens to Sakura make sure you can find away back up.'

"Thats messed up!" Sakura said to the rules book.
It quickly re-wrote itself to say:
1. 'If anything happens to Syaoran make sure you find a way back up.'
"Wha? Thats just not right!" Syaoran told it.
'So?' the book wrote.
"Not going to say anything"
'Of course not.'
Sakura closed the book. "Ready for tomroww?" she asked.
"I guess"
Tomroww was The Race Underground, a race to just plain see who makes it to the end first underground. There were plenty of odd things down there. No. Odd is too light a word for such outlandish things.

January 16th 2007,5:56 A.M.

"You sure you have everything?" Sakura asked.
Syaoran sighed. That was the tenth time she asked that. "Yes."
"You-"
"Yes!"
"Okay."
"To the race place!"
"That was a stupid pun."
"I know."

Same Day,6:21 A.M.

"We are gathered here today to see off our contenders for The Race Underground" an anouncer spoke.
Oh man, Syaoran thought. I feel like i'm in a wedding..I really hate that feeling.
Just then a odd thing poked from the ground. Many screamed.
"Hi." it said. Many more screamed and ran
"What are you?" Sakura asked.
"A boke."
Syaoran tried not to laugh. "Are you seroius?"
"Yes." the creature pulled out a long spear. "We will go and kill whoever named us that!'
"Won't they be dead?" Sakura pondered.
"No. We were named a month ago."
"Good luck with that."
"Will you join us?!" it asked." They live underground. Thats why were under there. We used to live in a barn."
"How many of you are there?"
"We are traveling in a group of 15. Come out!"
A whole hoard of the things came poking out."Yes?" one asked.
"These travelers," he pointed to Sakura and Syaoran, "are going to help fight the idiots."
"Yes!"
Many people had come back seeing the two talk to the little creature. "Well then," the annoying anouncer dude said,"the rules are reversed. The competiters must help 10 diffrent species of creatures from underground to win."

All the competers were lined up at the starting gate. Will there really be enough species for everyone? Sakura thought.
"Go!!" the leader of the boke tribe cheered, racing forward.
"Wait!" Sakura and Syaoran yelled.
And the start began.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Ah, haven't written here in awhile. Yes, three days count as awhile too.

Chapter One
The Boke Tribe

The little tribe of things had run quite a bit before the two S's as I call them caught up. "Are you crazy?" Sakura asked. "They didn't say go!"
"And this is a problem how?" the leader asked.
"Well, I’m not sure."
"Good."
They had been walking a while when Syaoran tripped over nothing.
"Ahh!" the leader yelled. "They must be near! They've placed invisible rocks around base!"
"You know this how?" Sakura asked
"We don't"
"So-"
"Were off!"
The little boke's started to run again, Sakura and Syaoran trying to keep up with them. Trust me. They run around 6 miles per hour. Anyway, everyone kept falling over rocks or at least almost falling. Then it stopped.
"We lost them!" the leader shouted.
"Shut up!" Syaoran told him. "Someone else could hear you!"
A pattering of feet started.
"Its them!" the leader again shouted.
'No. I don't think it’s-"
And too late. The leader had then thrown a spear and it had landed on another creatures head.
"One of the Toruges!" someone from a traveling group yelled.
"Idiots!' the other one yelled at Sakura, Syaoran, and the boke tribe.
"Okay," Sakura whispered. "We have one thing to do."
"Yes?"
"Run!"
They started off as angry yells followed them for awhile.
"I just thought of something."
Syaoran told them. "The cameras caught that."
"You've participated and lost in races before. You know they won't penalty for that. You remember the Chingo accident."
"Don't want to be reminded of that.."
"ARE WE GOING?!" the leader yelled.
"Yes we are." Sakura calmly said to them, though Syaoran could see she was getting irritated at them
"Then this way!" the leader pointed.
"That’s the way?" Sakura asked.
"Oh no, were just guessing"
"Right."

By three hours they hadn't found a thing about the people they were going to kill. They had actually probably had gone in a circle quite a few times. "Are you sure they're underground?' Syaoran asked.
"Oh yes. Me and my tribe saw them go under to here." the leader responded.
They sure have horrible grammar, Sakura thought.
Sakura tripped again.
"Ahh! We are again near them!" the leader exclaimed
"I have an idea" Sakura told them all. "We each go a different way. When we all stop tripping, come back to this point."
"I like-No. That’s a great idea!" the leader spoke.
"It’s good."
Okay then. I will go forward, Syaoran go backwards, just from where we were. Tribe leader, go right. Tribe, go left. Got it?"
They all saluted.
"Good."

The tribe leader tripped first. He had gone about few feet before walking without trouble. The tribe was next, walking 10 feet. Then Sakura, who walked 20 feet. Syaoran had walked 50 feet before stopping. "Hey! Guys! Come here!" The tribe and Sakura heard him yell.
And we shall go backwards from here." Sakura said, winking.
"Onwards!" all the tribe yelled. "To victory!"

The tribe and Sakura met Syaoran about halfway down the hall.
"Well now to find them..." Syaoran said.
"I know!" the leader said. "Watch this!"
The leader smashed his ear against the wall, making it crumble in 3 feet.
"Whoa.." The two S's said in amazement off the little creatures.


Since each boke had the same strength, they must have busted down 30 parts of the wall.
"Look!" one finally yelled.
They had busted down 6 feet of wall and had come across a door.
"Onwards to more victory!" the leader exclaimed.
Sakura slowly opened the door, revealing two men in chairs.
"Attack!" the leader yelled.
"Stop!" Sakura said grabbing it. "If they die, they won't change your name!"
“Oh yeah.'”The leader said. He turned to one of the men. "Okay. I will threaten you with my spear until you change our name!"
"Well actually, you’re called boka, not boke like you think"
"Oh. Well then," the leader turned to his tribe. "Shall we change our name?"
The tribe saluted.
"What?" Sakura and Syaoran asked.
"In the end we are proud of our names. We must spread the word boke doesn't mean were stupid!"
"So we just wasted our time?" Sakura asked.
"No. You helped one the ten creatures you have too."
"Well duh" Syaoran said.
"Don't say duh to me!" Sakura exclaimed to him.

"Now only 9 more." Sakura said.
"Maybe the next one will be more worthwhile...” Saran said.
"Don't make me use this spear!" the leader said to them.
"Gotta go!'
"See you!"
And they were off again.

------------------------------


And chapter one complete. If you actually read this, thanks. By the way. It is defintly not a game if your getting that idea. And it is also original. I wouldn't think of stealing from someone.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Chapter Two
Pipe's Song Wish


"Okay, there must be creatures down here" Sakura said, looking for any sign of life and failing.
"Other than us?" Syaoran asked as he walked in his "I really don't care, deal with it yourself" type walk.
"Of course." Sakura replied while slapping his arm. She then tripped for the 4th time. She didn't look to see what until something said,
"Ouch! That smarts!"
Well they both looked down at an armless fox creature.
"Wait," Sakura started, "are you a Pipe-Fox spirit?"
"Yes. That means....yes! That's what!"
"Wha-?"
"Moe, what are you yelling about?" a woman asked from behind the creature.
"I found the stars of the show here! Right here!" Moe said while pointing his tail at Syaoran and Sakura.
"Wait," the woman said to Syaoran,"do I know you?
"You do."
"Are you the clone or the real one?"
"Real one."
"Well then good to see you again Sakura and Syaoran. You remember me-"
"Yuko. Otherwise known as the Time-Space Witch." Syaoran finished.
Yuko then turned to Moe. "You sure on these?"
He nodded. "Yes I am."
Yuko beckoned for Sakura and Syaoran. "Follow me."

They entered what appeared to be a large dome stadium type room.
"Yeah, uh, what are we doing?" Sakura asked.
"Why of course Syaoran's going to entertain the little Pipe-Fox Spirits."
"Why?"
"Okay, I am going to explain this. Since only twice a year a The Race Underground is held, these spirits only get entertained ounce a year. We pick out the first challenger from every race to perform. Now then," Yuko said while picking a basket of colored flash cards," pick four colors."
"Huh-?" Syaoran started.
"I said for you to pick four cards. Any common color."
"Then I pick red, blue, yellow, and purple."
Yuko set the basket down and picked out the right cards. She held the red and blue one up. "Pick one" she told Syaoran.
"I pick red.'
She looked at it. "You get Until The End by breaking Benjamin-"
"I can't sing that! It has the "F" word in it!"
".......And?"
"I'm not going to say that!"
"Then you will get whatever is on the blue card. Is this correct?"
"Correct."
Yuko looked at the blue card. "You get Breath, also by Breaking Benjamin."
She then held up the yellow and purple card. "Pick one."
"I pick the purple one"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"....Then you get So-So Suicide by Finger Eleven. Good?"
"Sure."

Yuko motioned for them all to move backstage. She turned to Syaoran with a piece of paper in her hand. "These are the lyrics to Breath. The show is in five minutes."
"Are you serious-?"
"And I’ll see you then."

Of stage in the crowd, Yuko and Sakura sat in the back row since they were the only humans there. Everyone else was a short little Pipe-Fox Spirit. Surprisingly, Syaoran learned his lines in those five minutes. "And I hope this won't be as bad as the last one. I had to sit through a horrible singing of Umbrella."
"Shh. Its starting."

"I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
"

"Wow." Sakura said after the song. "he sure can sing-scream like you hear on the radio and CD's."
"And that must be why Moe picked him." Yuko replied.

Sakura followed Yuko back to backstage.
"Goos job on that part." Yuko told Syaoran.
"I liked it." Sakurs also said.
"Oh thanks-"
"And here" Yuko cut him off, another paper in her hands," is your So-So Suicide lyrics. Have a good time reading that."
"But-"
"Well then see you on-stage."

There were about 5 more in this show. Pipe-Fox Spirits that is. Sakura realized that, even without arms, the Pipe-Fox Spirits played the instruments. She wanted to ask Yuko about this, but act two was starting.

"I felt the blisters
Below the words
A universe waiting to explode

And I felt the words crawl out of my skull
And now you know
Exactly what you should

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I like that I'm a mess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
I think it's time for bullets

Became so-so suicidal
And now I know the ugly from the good

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I like that I'm a mess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
I think it's time for bullets

Don't bother pretending I seem fine
I'm trying to confess
I can't stand it much longer in my head
But it's not time for bullets



"Hey Yuko," Sakura said, "how do the spirits-"
"And a bravo to that." Yuko said and joined in the thunderous clapping that the Pipe-Fox Spirits were somehow making, despite not having arms. And her question still un-revealed.

Meeting backstage again, for the third time, they actually congratulated him this time. Sakura did at least.
"I like that. You sounded like real rock stars do."
"I wasn't that good"
Yuko then said, "That was as good as that time I smashed that computer with my bat."
(Sakura and Syaoran "???????????")
"Now here is the $300 dollars you earned." Yuko said with the money in her hand.
"...I'M RICH!!" he exclaimed grabbing the money.
"You're not rich yet. It’s from the Pipe-Fox Spirits. They each payed ten dollars to see the show. Go figure."


On the way out of the stadium, tens of the tiny creatures swarmed Syaoran.
"Y'know what? I forgot to ask Yuko how the Pip-Fox's could play the instruments and clap that loud." Sakura told Syaoran.
"Me neither. And I was the one on that stage."

--------------

And that concludes chapter two. You may not have gotten all that they say if you haven't read xxxHollic and Tsubasa.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
I don't know why, but I suspended myself from the Other Writing except for the Poetry section. Eh.

Chapter Three
Chi-ling Vips

"That was...interesting." Sakura said after they had gotten out.
"I still don't understand how they played."
"And you were up there too."
They had walked a few yards when they both heard music and then a girl singing. They stopped and listened.

" Somebody falls in love, somebody breaks a heart
We never fell in love we only fell apart
I'm getting lonely, I need somebody to hold me
I thought I'd never miss her
She cut me out of her pictures
Take a look at the world around you
Can you see the desperation?
Take a look at the world around you
Can you see the life your living?
Somebody tells the truth, somebody lives a lie
I can see right through, the story is in your eyes
I know what they're saying, there is no need for explaining
There will be nothing better than when I burn all your letters
We never fell in love we only fell apart
We only fell apart
So we pick up the pieces and put 'em together
We said this was gonna last forever
We never fell in love we only fell apart
Somebody falls in love, somebody breaks a heart
We never fell in love we only fell apart
"

"She sounds familiar..." Syaoran said, and dashed to see who it was. She was familiar.
It was Chi.
"Yo!" Syaoran yelled to her. "Rally-Ho!"
"Syaoran....You weirdo..."
Chi noticed them both and waved.
"What are you two doing down here?" She asked them.
"We're in the Race Underground."
"So that's who those annoying dolts were. Some group of kids came by and vandalized the housing unit."
"Housing unit?"
"Yeah. The housing unit of the Vipis's."
"The-"
"Well then come in here."
Both followed Chi into the hole in the wall.

All the Vipis's came springing over.
"Who that?" one of them asked Chi, pointing towards Sakura and Syaoran.
"Henna, meet Sakura and Syaoran. Sakura and Syaoran, meet Henna."
"Or weird!" someone called from in the back.
"Yunshi, shut up!" Chi told the one that called out.
"They always like that?" Sakura asked.
"Huh? Oh yeah. They like to insult others. Why I don't know."
"Sing more!" another one called out.

"As we are falling down
Say my heart breaks my soul
So dead beat out of my skull
Try to please me again
"

"That's it?" Henna asked.
"More later."

"BO-HA-HA-HA!"
"You let them have BLEACH..." Sakura commented later.
"They wanted it and I had it. Now what's this race thing?"
"You must find the end of the maze underground and on the way help ten different species of creatures. So far we've helped two. They need any help?"
"Well-"
"BO-HA-HA-HA!-"
"SHUT UP!" Chi turned back to Sakura and Syaoran. "Now, I feel that the little Vipis's have been more cruel lately and I want you to help them try to understand that's wrong. Okay?"
"Okay?"
"OKAY!"

The following day....

"Now he was right on say
Why to be the way
The heat is burning me
Getting under my skin
The heat is burning my skull
And he won't stop it
"

It was after breakfast and all the Vipis's were sent off to work at their stations. Chi, Sakura and Syaoran were patrolling the areas.
Syaoran turned to face Sakura. "How-"
He looked up to see an open pair of scissors aiming towards his face.
***************************

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
It lacks narration AND description. They are two crucial things you should never really omit. How many times do people have to hear this? You can't solely depend on a casual dialogue to elaborate most of the imagery! If you do it, your story will turn to be as boring as this is.

They entered what appeared to be a large dome stadium type room.
That's the problem. Sorry, but you can't expect people to picture a scenario with just that. It's starved.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
It lacks narration AND description. They are two crucial things you should never really omit. How many times do people have to hear this? You can't solely depend on a casual dialogue to elaborate most of the imagery! If you do it, your story will turn to be as boring as this is.

That's the problem. Sorry, but you can't expect people to picture a scenario with just that. It's starved.
(Looking at comments like this is pure gold)

You see, I wrote this one year ago, and my writing really sucked and I wanted it to be exactly the same as the original.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
So what? It's still not well-written. I provided critique. Wasn't that what you were looking for? If not, then what exactly?

btw, your other stories, "Evil Angel" and "SDHWS" are as badly constructed as this one. Sorry, but it's the truth; I'm not trying to be rude. I don't dislike you.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず