The Underworld (PG-14)

Started by PwnNubz4EpicPokemonLulz August 6th, 2007 5:49 PM
  • 2588 views
  • 26 replies
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter One: The Secret

In the region of Kanto there is a secret underworld of illegal Pokemon battling unknown to the brave police officers of Kanto. The reason these Pokemon battles are illegal is because the trainers make the Pokemon fight until their last breath. Other trainers make bets on witch Pokemon will be victoriuos in these deathmatches. The battles take place in the basements of bars and even some top-notch restaurants. These such things would rattle the Pokemon community forever.
This is where I come in.

TO BE CONTINUED...

So, how was it?
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Mt.Coronet
Seen January 16th, 2008
Posted August 16th, 2007
91 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter One: The Secret

In the region of Kanto there is a secret underworld of illegal Pokemon battling unknown to the brave police officers of Kanto. The reason these Pokemon battles are illegal is because the trainers make the Pokemon fight until their last breath. Other trainers make bets on witch Pokemon will be victoriuos in these deathmatches. The battles take place in the basements of bars and even some top-notch restaurants. These such things would rattle the Pokemon community forever.
This is where I come in.

TO BE CONTINUED...

So, how was it?

i don't get it, it was much to short for a chapter, or even a prologue.
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
I think you ended way earlier than where you could have. This makes for an interesting read. (I'm reminded of dog fighting.) But you sold yourself and your readers short.

What you could have done (you don't have to take my suggestion. I'm just tossing it out there) is to have this main character thinking about these underground fights. Like, have him think back on a fight that he just had to deal with, ending his thoughts with his "And this is where I come in". Then have him come into the story. Your first chapter should tell the reader the setting of the world and (possibly) the main character we are going to follow.

Just...add more. Give us a good amount to read.

And yes, spell-check your work. A few words were spelled wrong.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter Two: The Investigation

My name is Tim Wayne and I am Kanto’s finest detective. Those who are reading this may not have heard of me. That is because I have never been on that reality show with that weird kid and his Pikachu or appear in any Pokemon simulator game. I stand at 6 feet even and 150 pounds. That’s all you need to know about me.
One evening I was in my office listening to the police radio app on my Poketch when Officer Jenny’s sister Officer Jenny walked in. She looked panicky.
“What’s wrong?” I asked her calmly.
“Well, I was on patrol in Cerulean City when I saw people walking to a bar called the Drunken Clamperl. The only problem is that the bar was closed. There is something suspicious going on.” Jenny replied.
“We’ll need to go under cover,” I said.
Jenny and I walked outside, in our everyday clothes, to go to Cerulean on the Police Station’s Pidgeots. In a matter of minutes we were in Cerulean City right in front of the Pokecenter. It was quiet in the City. We told our Pidgeots to head back to headquarters in Viridian City. We walked around the streets and we soon found the bar. We walked over and knocked on the front door. A short, stocky and, balding man answered the door.
“What do you let a sleeping Houndour do?” The man said in a grumbly voice. I had heard this expression before so I quickly said, “Lie.” And the man opened the door and let us in. The bar was empty and near pitch-black. The man turned on his flashlight and pointed to a door in the back of the bar.
“The boss man is in the basement,” The strange doorman said. I opened the door and Jenny walked inside, I followed behind. We heard loud cheering and applause coming from two of stairs down. Jenny and I crept slowly down the stairs. The basement was moldy and the walls were oozing something green and smelly.
“I don’t even want to know what that is,” Jenny said while pointing at a pile of steaming something. After passing the pile of something we found ourselves in some kind of arena. In the arena there was a Nidorino and a Gengar fighting each other recklessly. Jenny and I both found the quite disturbing. We looked around at all of the people standing; strangely they were all muscular men with many tattoos.
“I can’t wait to see what the ‘boss man’ looks like.” I told Jenny.
“I think he’s over there.” Jenny said and looking at a man sitting in a throne-like chair. The man was wearing a suit with a black jacket, pants and, tie. His black-gray hair was sleeked back and was incredibly shiny. Jenny and I walked over to the man and I asked, “What is this place?”
“This is an Ultimate Pokemon Fighting Arena or UPFA for short. By the way my name is Pasquale, you may have heard of my idiot younger brother, Giovanni, leader of that Team Rocket,” The boss man said nicely to us, “you two look new here.” We had arrested Giovanni two years ago. Giovanni looked just like his brother before he was sent to federal prison. Since then Giovanni really let himself go.
“We are very sorry to have to leave so soon Pasquale but we need to get some sleep.” Jenny explained.
“Come back soon.” Said Pasquale. On our way out of the basement we heard a blood-curdling scream. I turned around and saw the Nidorino on it’s back. It was not breathing.

I worked harder on this one hope you like it!
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Age 35
Male
Oxford, England
Seen August 11th, 2020
Posted June 4th, 2014
622 posts
15.8 Years
Nice work here, very dark and quite disturbing. Something very different.

The Ash/reality show thing made me laugh!

One thing though, surely Jenny would have been instantly recognised by many of the people in the bar. Considering this is an illegal activity and I would be sure many of the people will have had run ins with the police.
Name: Ben
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Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Nice work here, very dark and quite disturbing. Something very different.

The Ash/reality show thing made me laugh!

One thing though, surely Jenny would have been instantly recognised by many of the people in the bar. Considering this is an illegal activity and I would be sure many of the people will have had run ins with the police.
Sorry about Jenny, I tried to make it seem like the people were all occupied watching the battle. But still glad you liked it.
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Just to let you know, you hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph. Right now, your paragraphs are squashed together, making your chapter difficult to read.

You have a good plot line. There's nothing wrong with that. I enjoy the dark sides of Pokemon fighting and seeing them explored in fanfiction.

Your chapters seem short. Try adding in more description, like of the bar. With description of the settings, you can set the mood of the scene. A dark bar on the bad side of town will make a reader worry for the main character because it's a dark mysterious place.

Spice up your writing a bit. The sentences where Tim and Jenny were heading to the bar was very monotonous. "We did this. We did that. We did this and that." Find some way to shake up your writing to keep the readers on the edge of their seats.

Take a peek at this thread because you have a few grammar mistakes.

Avatar credit: Fairy
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Chapter Three: The Research Begins

Every time I have to do a big investigation witch requires a lot of research I feel like I’m my favorite comic book hero, Crobatman. Except Crobatman has a cool car and all I have an unmarked moped. Our investigation went very smoothly. I thought we would have been spotted out instantly. But luckily for us every one was watching the match. Jenny and I started our research as soon as we got back from Cerulean City. We logged on to my PC on my desk and went to yahoot.pkmn to search for the UPFA. Rather easily we found the official UPFA website.

“How dumb are these people, making a website for everyone to see?” Jenny said loudly.

“In case you didn’t notice the disguised the website as any ordinary Pokemon Battle League. So people wouldn’t notify the police, because it seems like nothing suspicious. That is why we only found out about it tonight.” I informed Jenny.

We stayed up late that night looking at everything on that website. It was all worth it. We found out that these illegal battles are located across Kanto and Johto. And to our surprise the fights have been going on for about ten years!

“When we bust these guys they are gonna be so… busted.” Said Jenny, “We should tell the chief about this.”

“No! If word gets out about the illegal battles it may look bad for the cops.” I stated firmly, “people might think the cops are in on the act because the UPFA has been around so long.”

“Oh okay so this is a secret investigation.” Jenny replied.

“Well it’s actually not completely secret. Remember those kids who are doing that reality show?” I asked worriedly.

“Yeah, why? You didn’t tell them did you?” Jenny asked accusingly.

“Yes I asked the kids. But it turns out they are pretty good detectives. And those kids will do anything to help the Pokemon world.” I informed Jenny.

“Tim, you my friend are a complete and utter idiot!!!” Jenny yelled loudly. Louder than I’ve ever herd her. She was mad.

“I’m sorry Jenny but we’re gonna need all the help we can get to stop the UPFA from hurting innocent Pokemon. Well I’m of to home gotta get some sleep tonight. Bye.” I said tiredly. Jenny was still shocked about my news. She had seen these kids more than once in person. And she knows how great fighters they are. Ash, Brock, and Misty, three good-hearted trainers that will help us greatly, “ Oh and by the way they are flying from Sinnoh and Johto to come and help us.”

Sorry for taking so long I had family over the last couple of days and I'll be out all this weekend. Hope you injoyed it chapter 3!
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
the chapters are still a little to short, but the concept is good, i'd like to see some more action.

-Yours Truly,
pscyho
Thanks steel and don't worry there will be more action to come! And also I will be on vacation from August 18 to August 25 so there won't be any chapters during next week. Thanks for reading!
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Age 28
To your right..keep going..keep going
Seen February 24th, 2008
Posted September 2nd, 2007
148 posts
15.9 Years
Pretty good. I like the part about Crobatman, very originial. I still think your chapters are a bit lacking and you could put a little more detail into what is happening. In all other things it is an over-all good story, and it's is very real. Not all that glittery crap with pokemon 'fainting'.

6/10
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
Pretty good. I like the part about Crobatman, very originial. I still think your chapters are a bit lacking and you could put a little more detail into what is happening. In all other things it is an over-all good story, and it's is very real. Not all that glittery crap with pokemon 'fainting'.

6/10
Thanks for your comment Poison. I love when people get my jokes. One of my friends said my story was a bad rip-off of Batman. But really Batman comics is what inspired me to make this story.
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Age 28
Earth
Seen January 24th, 2010
Posted August 26th, 2009
18 posts
15.8 Years
I'm really sorry that I haven't been writing lately I have had no inspiration. But look out for any brand new threads by me. And yes this is my last post for The Underworld. If any of you want an ending you guys can write. Its totally okay with me.
Bye.
DM100

Dan's PokePet

King the level 49 Kingler!
Seen September 18th, 2007
Posted September 12th, 2007
100 posts
15.7 Years
no others cant write them. whats the point of that?

I really love the plot. It's a new side. Your writing style is quite good, with a little more proof reading you might be able to fix your spelling errors which are popping up every un so often. If you understand. It still needs to be alot longer though.

Then you could say my fic needs to be alot longer. Ill shut up now.-Googlebug.
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http://z11.invisionfree.com/The_Three_Musketeers/index.php