Detective Work

Started by Fallen Angel_Messiah Of Black Roses August 6th, 2007 10:36 PM
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Should I write the entire series?

Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted September 29th, 2009
1,613 posts
17.6 Years
Detective Work;
The Origin to Dark Caliber

Characters:

AJ Valentine: A Hispanic Male that has just turned Seventeen, The Main character of The Story. He lives with his Brother in Myanna City, A city in North America, The Year is 2015. He Was Born August Twelfth, 1998. AJ has been an intelligent and athletic student, He Graduated college at the age of 16. Through his years in Middle School and High School he was a star Track runner, After College he started boxing and kick boxing. Oh, yeah... There is something else you must know about him, He has Psycho kinetic Ability's, Training his ability since he was a young child he developed these powers of the mind.

James Valentine: AJ's older brother, James is going on twenty three. He was born July Sixteenth, 1993. James has already succeeded from college and has a current job in Gun Design and Modification. James doesn't have as great of a Psionic power as AJ, not even on the same level. James is more the physical type, he works out regularly and loves to body build.

Alan Steel: Also Known As Captain Steel, He is Captain of the Local Anti Terrorist Force in Myanna city which is also highly linked to the MPD. Alan is Twenty seven, Born On June Third, 1988. He Joined the force in 2009 and by 2011 was captain of the squad. Uses a Psionic that is branched off of Biokinesis and Hydrokinesis; Hemokinesis, the manipulation of blood.





Introduction:



September 17th, 2015; Myanna City, California, USA.


Sunlight broke through the windows at a swift pace as the morning began in Myanna City, An irritated groan could be heard, muffled from underneath a thick blanket. A loud ringing soon ensued, an arm came from beneath the blanket and slammed itself onto the snooze button of where the ringing came from, an Alarm clock that read 6:30 AM.

The hand went back underneath the blanket and soon a whole body emerged from the bed that the blanket rested on. A Young man, in his late teen years, Spanish, Tall and lean with messy black hair. AJ Yawned, and clutched his stomach, He was starved.

AJ walked outside of his small room, then again small didn't even begin to describe it, All that was in there was a single bed with a nightstand next to it with his alarm clock on it, that was all next to the window. Then there was a High definition flat screen TV that was on the wall in front of the bed, then in the closet was his clothes. That was it.

“ James needs a job that actually pays him in cash and not Guns.” AJ mumbled to himself as he found himself walking down the hallway from his room and to the washroom, He opened the dull wooden door to the washroom and stepped inside, AJ started to strip from his sweat pants and boxers and threw them aside. He reached inside the shower and turned the knob causing hot water to spurt from the shower spout. AJ stepped inside and showered.

After showering AJ wrapped a towel around his waist and walked back to his room, “ I want to look tough but not poor... So what should I wear?” AJ asked himself as he pulled out a Thin Black T-shirt, He slipped the shirt on and reached for a pair of Boxers and a pair of Jeans, after putting those on he slipped on Black combat boots.

“ My hairs a mess, Damn... I'm going to be late.” AJ swore as he grabbed a rubber band and tied his messy black hair into a ponytail.

AJ grabbed his keys and ran out the door of his house and into the street in front of it, an Angel Motorcycle stood there, Midnight Steel. AJ knew that even if he sped he would be late at this point, He got on the bike and put the keys in the ignition.

AJ started to ride off from his home and deeper into Myanna city, passing homes on his way. Children playing in yards and woman drinking lemonade, Who would think that within three more years they would all be dead? AJ didn't predict it.

AJ stopped seeing houses and started seeing buildings, he was close to the MPD office another minute or so. “ Hope they don't hold tardiness over me.”

AJ arrived at the MPD office, it was now 7:48 AM. AJ parked his motorcycle and went into the large building. The place was highly secure, officers were everywhere and they all eyed AJ with suspicion. AJ went up to the front desk where a lady with brown hair and red fingernails was dully reading a magazine, without even exchanging a glance the woman spoke “ Name?”

“ AJ Valentine” AJ replied to the woman.

“ Identification?” The woman said without skipping a beat.

AJ handed her his ID card and she scanned it, she gave it back to AJ.

“ Your late.”

“ I know, You see there was this traffic an-

“ Sir, I don't personally care, just go in.” She said cutting him off.

“ Thank you”


AJ walked past the front desk and into the hallway in front of it, at the end of the hallway was a door with a sign on it; “ S.P.A.S.T.F”

“ Thats it, Hope I do well.” AJ said to himself as he opened the door and went in.






There is the Introduction, tell me if you want more or not.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Pfft. Well yeah. Thats not much of anything. It doesn't really set a story (*gets shot for to many complaints*)

It seems...charming *tries to find right words for this*. Reality, you can write longer please. It doesn't really tell us the story plot or a clue to what the story will be.

Thanks (*shot again*)

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
Violence? If it doesn't have blood and lots of gore and gross details, I'm not reading it. But don't change it to fit my wants. You never should. And... cliff hanger? I didn't think of it as a cliff hanger to br truthful.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted September 29th, 2009
1,613 posts
17.6 Years
Chapter One: The Beginning Of The End



AJ looked around the room he had just entered moments ago, it looked a little depressing, it was Very dark. “ Anyone in here? Anyone at all?” AJ asked whoever might be in the dark room. “ Turn on the lights, with your mind.” Came a voice from within the room. AJ complied and without much effort forced the lights on by sending a charge through the wires, AJ could now see the man who had asked him to turn on the lights.

It was a white man, he was wearing a full black uniform, on the shoulder of his uniform was an insignia with the Text “MPD” the man had Short silky black hair. But The Most Distinguished feature was his shades, “ You did that pretty quick.” the man said.

“ Yeah, It was simple. All I did was create a small charge and conducted it through my index finger, then I sent the charge through the ceiling and made sure it hit a wire, instant light.” AJ explained to the man with shades. “ I see, is electrokinesis your strong point?” The man asked AJ.

“ No, not really. I'm more of a... Cryokinesis person.” AJ told him.

“ Ahh, I see. Now, Let me introduce myself. I am Alan Steel, or more well known as Captain Steel. I am here to interview you on the job you applied for, and before we start I have to tell you something. As a minor you can't be assigned as a solider or officer, the most I can do for you is to assign you as a detective.” Alan explained to AJ.

“ A detective? Whats the pay? And is there a special course I take for it?” AJ asked the Captain.

“ The pay depends on the case, but averagely... Two Thousand bones a month? And... No, there is no course for this job, you just need intelligence and a strong stomach.”

“ Okay, I'll take the job. Now about that interview?”

“ Here, fill this paper out first.” Alan told AJ, giving him a sheet of yellow paper and a pen.

AJ viewed the paper and started answering the questions, AJ completed the yellow sheet and handed it back to Captain Steel. “ Okay, looks like everything checks out here... no criminal history, amazing history actually. Seems like you're an intellectual, and an athlete. You are hired.” Alan told AJ as he put the yellow sheet in a scanner hooked up to his computer, the file was put into the computer and sorted into it's rightful place.

“ Okay, the gear we're going to give you is top of the line, so treat it right or you are going to be paying a lot of money.” Alan said to his new employee, expressing caution.

AJ simply nodded and grabbed the stuff that Alan was putting on the desk, First was a PDA that also acted as a cell phone, Digital Camera and a black light. Next was an Auto Lock pick that had a laser pointer on the side. A Laptop seemed to come up, “ What do I need the Laptop for?” AJ asked a little confused. “ It's a complete database on every person in Myanna city, should be helpful. It'll also be where you can pick up information on your current case.”

“ Yes of course.”

“ And finally these two little items.” Alan said putting up two more items, both surrounded by leather.

“ Wow...” AJ murmured as he picked up one of the items, it was a combat knife. AJ picked up the other item and unholstered it, it was a handgun.

“ Beretta, They make a fine handgun. Do you know how to handle a gun?” Captain steel asked the Detective.

“ Yes, I have fine experience with Guns.” AJ replied taking everything, he put the PDA in his pocket and put the knife and gun holstered on his pants, finally putting the Lock pick and laptop in his bag.

“ So when is my first case?” AJ asked his new captain.

“ Today, A murder has been committed. About an hour before you came, all the information is on your PDA, Get going.” Alan told him.

AJ walked himself out of the building, he was an official detective now, it was great.

Viewing his PDA AJ saw all the information on the present case.


September 17th 2015 Myanna City

7:39 AM

A murder was reported from address: 2420 on West way Street, Apparently 43 Year old Gary Limber was stabbed to death. No other details as of yet.



“ Looks like I'm off” AJ sighed as he got on his bike, keys in the ignition and he was off.
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
The fact that you were in need to introduce the characters individually before the story rather than letting us know them by their behavior and descriptions, dialogue and narrative in it is not really impressive. I could notice a few detail on punctuation... I find the dialogues monotone; your narrations are brief and futile, so it is not passable. Remember when to use caps and commas.

I suggest you add more to the narration and describe more thoroughly the physical aspects and the environment on which the events take place, as the dialogue can't do it all alone, can it?
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted September 29th, 2009
1,613 posts
17.6 Years
Detective Work
The Road to Dark Caliber



Chapter One (Part Two)


AJ felt the wind slice through his slick black hair, he leaked a grin onto his face, “ First Case! Means I'm just that much closer to money!” The part of the City AJ was in now was a much more elegant surrounding, the houses we're about three times as big and fancy as the crap apartment AJ lived in, “ The Grass is always greener on the rich side.” AJ mumbled.

Double checking the address of the place he was head for, AJ realized that he was about to pass it, reaching for the brakes frantically AJ stopped the motor bike. The house of the victim was an old one, it was from at least in the 1950's, clearly rural from an external view. AJ parked his bike and walked up to the heavy wooden door and placed his hand on the large dragonfly shaped knocker and beat it upon the wooden door, the door swung open and a woman with a stony face appeared. “ What may I owe the visit of you stranger.” She asked in a rather cold voice.

“ I am detective Valentine, I am here to inspect the death of a mister forty three year old Gary Limber, Apparently stabbed to death.” AJ told the woman showing her his ID. She raised her eyebrow but let him in, “ I was expecting someone more... Experienced.” She said taking a second glance at the young detective.

“ I may look inexperienced, but I'm their best.” AJ told her, knowing that he was the only detective in the city, “ Please, lead me to the scene of the crime.” AJ asked the stony faced woman, she merely nodded and led him into a bed room where a man laid in the middle, his face was ashen with blood dribbling out of his mouth. Looking down further he saw that there was a blood stain the size of a softball on the mans shirt, bleeding from a impale wound about three by three inches.

AJ extended his hand toward the victim's wrist and checked the pulse, yes, he was dead, that had been obvious. But how long had he been dead? AJ started to touch his jaw first, then proceeded to a little more down, Rigor mortis had occurred. “ He's been dead for about Eight or nine hours, his whole body isn't stiff yet, just most of it.” As AJ said it he typed it into his PDA.

“ Is it murder or Suicide?” This time the voice was that of a mans, AJ turned around and saw where the voice came from. It was a rather young man, in his twenties, he had brown hair and blue eyes. “ It can't be suicide.” AJ told him without exchanging a single glance.

“ How can you be so sure?” the man asked, a little annoyed by AJ's smugness. “ Find the suicide weapon, then I'll consider it. But right now, with no weapon in sight.” AJ started but was interupted by the man, “ He could have hid it somewhere! Like outside of this room.”

AJ looked at the man in suspicion, “ He was nearly instantly killed, plus if he had gone anywhere else he would have dripped blood all over the damn place.” AJ explained to the man.

“ Now for the file, I need to know your name's.” AJ said to the two who were there. “ My name is Maureen Limber, I was his wife.” The woman told the detective, “ I'm Ted Forest, I'm his daughter's fiancce.” AJ nodded and typed it up, “ Where is your daughter?” he asked Maureen.

“ Out Of town, it will be eight days come tomorrow.” She answered.

“ Okay, If you would let me investigate?”

“ Yes, Of course.”

AJ watched them leave the room and sighed, “ Okay... Lets see, what should I do first.” Look for the murder weapon AJ thought to himself.

AJ searched the room, finding nothing at all, of course that had been expected. “ Next room I suppose.”